bus

Alright, so I figure that this is a good time to explore my feelings about SI, mainly because I really don't want to. I slipped pretty badly yesterday, and today I am feeling really ill about everything and about life in general. But I can really identify some of the reasons why I gave in like I did. I realise that I've totally lost confidence in myself because of recent events. I've felt very negatively about myself because I kinda cheated on an old friend with his girlfriend (my ex-girlfriend actually). It really really sucks the way I feel about that and all and I have been finding it very hard to come to terms with myself. The past few months I have been really appreciating my self-injurous impulses and have made sure in the moment to remind myself that the feelings will pass. And being able to accept myself in that "triggered" state has been key. But now I find that I have felt so disgusted by myself that it's hard to appreciate my feelings because of how disappointed I am. I know that I will not be happy or healthy until I can accept that I screwed up and that that is okay. I guess really what was working for me before all this happened was not only having a plan for when SI feelings arose, but cateering my life to lead to less of those triggered instances. Things like sunlight and activity and respect for my feelings made a much less SI prone lifestyle. But now I can't really appreciate that I should get sunlight or eat right or anything because I don't respect my feelings in light of what has happened. But I know that I do want to be free of this self-hate and I know that what has worked for me before is just accepting myself where and how I am. Right now it's just hard to believe that I am actually okay where I am. It's like a rut where I can't get better unless I choose to be at peace with everything, but there's no redeeming reason to be at peace, at least not in and of myself. But that's kinda the point I guess; I was really loving myself, I mean like really expressing love for myself, and love isn't based on the person who's recieving it. Their actions shouldn't affect whether you love them or not, so it's really not a matter of me redeeming myself. And I know that I need to accept my life situation as being where it is and just enjoying what God has given me. It's hard to accept a blessing when you feel rotten about yourself, I don't know, I have really tried not to ramble here and I know that I may not be posting correctly for this board... This is my attempt to sort out my feelings about what has happened though and on an overall scale try to figure out how to gear my life away from those SI tendancies... I hope this post is okay.

Love Justin

But now I can't really appreciate that I should get sunlight or eat right or anything because I don't respect my feelings in light of what has happened.
--it sounds like... even now... you realize that you have appreciated those things in the past & might again. what about simply deciding to act in those ways regardless of appreciation of lack of? choose to act in ways that you know are effective & healthy & all.. whether or not you 'want' to or appreciate it at the time or etc...

I've felt very negatively about myself because I kinda cheated on an old friend with his girlfriend (my ex-girlfriend actually).
--can understand that. i'd guess that it's justified guilt. since cheating is a fairly common thing to view as morally wrong. continuing to beat yourself up about it doesn't change things. what have you done about the situation? mistakes happen. & life goes on.

I was really loving myself, I mean like really expressing love for myself, and love isn't based on the person who's recieving it.
--love is also choosing to act loving whether or not you feel all warm & fuzzy inside at the time. if you love someone or something... it's not necessarily a constant feeling... for me it can be choosing to put food out for the cats when i don't want to move in the least.

I realise that I've totally lost confidence in myself because of recent events.
--what could you do to help regain some confidence?

I have really tried not to ramble here and I know that I may not be posting correctly for this board...
--is fine. imo the lists of questions are more suggestions. everyone who's wanting to think things through & all is welcome

i don't think you were rambling -- on the contrary, it sounded to me like your post demonstrated some very well thought-through analysis of your SI and your feelings.

Contactor Jed wrote:But now I find that I have felt so disgusted by myself that it's hard to appreciate my feelings because of how disappointed I am. I know that I will not be happy or healthy until I can accept that I screwed up and that that is okay.

this makes a lot of sense to me -- i really see myself in it. and i think you're right -- you won't be happy or healthy until you can accept that you made a mistake, mistakes happen, and just because you did a wrong thing does not mean you're a bad person. BUT, at the same time, i think there's some more to be learned from the way you're feeling right now. it sounds like you're having a really hard time letting go of the thing you did wrong -- and i wonder if part of that is because you don't feel like you've fixed it. learning to let go of your mistakes and value yourself as a person who is imperfect, who makes mistakes, is also partly a process of learning of how to rectify a situation when you do make mistakes -- learning that instead of beating yourself up endlessly, it's better and healthier and more responsible, not just to the other person but to yourself, to DO something to fix it. and then, after that, learning to accept that you've made a mistake, done the best you can to fix it, and have to move on. have you apologized to your friend? does he know? is there something in the back of your head telling you that you should do something about this situation that you haven't done? because if so -- honor that instinct. make amends, and then, gently, try to treat yourself with the respect you deserve as a human being who has made a mistake, just like everybody makes mistakes, but who has done all in his power to fix it.

plantt wrote:

Contactor Jed wrote:I was really loving myself, I mean like really expressing love for myself, and love isn't based on the person who's recieving it.

--love is also choosing to act loving whether or not you feel all warm & fuzzy inside at the time. if you love someone or something... it's not necessarily a constant feeling... for me it can be choosing to put food out for the cats when i don't want to move in the least.

i really like plantt's example -- as a cat person, myself -- and she raises a really good point. when you love someone you treat them well, even if you don't feel like it, or even if you're angry or disappointed or upset with them. so -- part of learning to love ourselves is learning that even if we're really pissed off at ourselves, we still have a responsibility to act in respectful ways, to treat ourselves as valuable people ... even though we don't feel like it. (i'm not particularly good at learning this lesson, either. i'm trying. i guess you just keep trying 'till it becomes habit, you know?)

Contactor Jed wrote:It's hard to accept a blessing when you feel rotten about yourself

<grin>

that's a great quote. totally true.

sometimes feeling rotten about yourself is the blessing, though. which doesn't make the feeling any better at the time, obviously. but which is important to remember, i think.

hang in there.


~b

Thanks you two. Plantt, to respond to your general approach, I do know that love is more than fuzzies, and what I have sighted from my own experiences of loving myself is with that taken into account. When I talk about loving myself it is with regard to doing that constantly, not just when convienient. And to answer you lingering question fire bird, yeah, he knows about it. He knew about it even when I posted this and we're still friends. I have had a very rough time forgiving myself throughout my life even when other people do. Thanks for all your support. I guess I think that it is also important to view the subjective side of everything. Of course life goes on no matter what (unless you die...um, yeah...), but it can go on in a negative way or a posative way or most probably a mixture of both. I think that my feelings are important in order to identify my natural responses to stressful situation and specifically what triggers or ails me, so I guess that's more where I'm coming from as opposed to an objective view. And I think that it is really important in keeping these posts geared toward growth that we examine subjective things as well as just hard coded critique (sp?). Anyhow, I think and write a lot. thanks for all your support and opinions; I really appreciate them.

Love Justin

im kind of late i think. sorry. but i was wondering if you have forgien your self for whats happened. it doesnt sound like it. but i dont think youll be able to get those things back if you dont forgive your self. it is okay to forgive your self. if we never forgave out selves i think we wouldnt all be in worse shape then we are..

im sorry your having a hard situation to deal with and work through. i hope you can find the peace you are lookin for.

take care.