bus

I just wrote a long post, and my computer messed up and lost it. I don't know if I have the energy to type it all again, but I really need something to get better...comments are very welcome.

I have already cut several times today, but I am still very urgy and getting more anxious as I typed the After that my computer destroyed. I don't really know what is bringing this stuff out in me, but I need to find another way to handle it.

And now...my After.
have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
didn't need anything

what had happened just before?
The first one today was at lunchtime. I have just gotten back to school and I am doing a week of special training. I am back with my classmates/friends...that should have been good. But I still felt so low. I didn't want to be there. I didn't have anything to talk about...I was just there, wishing I could disappear. I felt lonely, sort of...Or disconnected. Yeah, that is a better word. Cause I know any of them would have been happy to talk to me. But I couldn't connect...even when I was talking to them, the "real" me wasn't coming through at all. The others after that (had several more episodes today) happened whenever the "fix" from the cutting started wearing off. Whenever I started feeling worse again. Except now...cause I am feeling worse again.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I kinda answered that above...I felt disconnected, fake, sad (sort of...not quite the right word). I was thinking how pointless everything is, how empty life seems. Just one thing after another, with nothing that really matters...empty. I am empty too...nothing left to give or enjoy or draw on. Only the outside, pretending that everything is fine, going on. Like a tree that looks strong, but is rotted out inside. That is me.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I don't know exactly. I went outside to try to avoid cutting. I didn't think I would where someone could see me, but I had my tool with me. And suddenly I went from "trying not to cut" to "cutting now." I don't remember any thoughts in between. I don't remember changing my direction. I just remember that suddenly my tool was in my hand and I was cutting.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
don't know... Maybe just tried harder, but I don't know if it would have mattered.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no, other than a lot of change recently. And that is unavoidable.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
Just tried to get to a calm place away from people. I kinda felt if I wasn't surrounded by people I wouldn't feel quite so lonely. I don't know if it helped or made things worse, since I ended up cutting.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I don't know. There were so many people around and I didn't know what to do...But ideas would be helpful because I have training for three more days, so the situation will probably be repeated.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't know...just try harder?

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
no, not resolved. Still in the middle of it. Feeling empty, pointless. Especially since I am alone at home with nothing that I have to do (lots I should, nothing I have to) and nothing seems worthwhile. And tomorrow I have to go back and try to make the situation end differently, but I don't know how.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Still there...probably going to be there again tomorrow...feeling distressed.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Right now I will try...posting this.
Playing a computer game.
making hot chocolate...or holding a stuffed animal, cause I would have to wash my mugs before I could make hot chocolate and I just don't have the energy now.
For tomorrow, I have no idea what to do. Part of me thinks I could leave my tool at home and that would keep me safe, but I know I would probably feel more desperate and find some other way to hurt myself...something less safe. Not good.

Can you do things to help with that disconnected/lost feeling? Things that might help you to feel more present and grounded? Like chewing gum or holding that stuffed animal? Maybe making some food that you love and really taking time to enjoy it as you eat? Could you do something nice to your body, like taking a shower or bubble bath, or putting on some lotion?

You said that you went right from "trying not to cut" to cutting yourself. I'm worried that if you're blanking out when you do it, you might really hurt yourself before you're aware that it's happening. Could you try a day where you don't take your tool with you in the morning? Maybe take along something else to do with your hands, like Play-Doh or Silly Putty?

I'm sorry that things got bad for you. I have trouble with feelings of unreality and disconnection also. I hope that you're feeling better now.

Jessica

i also have a serious problem with dissasociation and sometimes use si as a way to stay grounded. my belief is if i bleed then i must be alive, so i totally relate to what you are saying. i tried to start a thread in coping about how to ground yourself when you dissasociate but nobody answered in it anyway, what i find best is to put your feet in ice water to help you concentrate, try to focus on your breathing or something concrete. i also have a cd of relaxation therapy which concentrates on your breathing and different muscle groups which helps me ground myself and focus when i dissasociate. if you or anyone reading this wants that file i will be happy to forward it to you, just pm me and i will see what is the easiest way to get it to you with the greatest of pleasure.

please know that i understand how it feels to "kind of wake up" and you are cut, bandaged ut there is no tool, no blood, no evidence of the actual si besides the cuts on your body. it has happened more than once to me and i will be happy to share as much as i can to help a fellow busser from experiencing the same

hugs if you want them. warm thoughts too.
noel

Thanks for the replies, Truce and Chimera.
Just to reassure you, I have never cut seriously enough to need medical attention, and I am unlikely to because I very strongly don't want people to find out. So while it is not good, the physical consequences of my SI are very minimal...long pants. Which I wear anyway.
I do think I am going to need to work more on staying grounded, especially if I am not cutting so much. Today I have been "spaced out" most of the day, and I find it very difficult to do the stuff required of me during the training (interacting with people, short presentations). Today I have been snacking or drinking something cold to try to stay more grounded...hasn't worked too well, but I have kept the cutting minimal. However, when I did cut, I couldn't really feel it, which is fairly strange for me. It didn't work like I expected it to...maybe that is why I didn't use it so much today.
Any grounding ideas that can easily be hidden? I don't think I have lost time, or even been really badly depersonalized (no floating)...just felt really distanced, not "me", not in control...don't remember making choices. On the other hand, I probably did make them...I don't want to avoid responsibility. Just the fact that I had my tool with me (coulda put it in my purse) makes me think some part of me had already stopped trying to fight it.
Again, thanks for the replies.