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A close friend (jess) is having a hard a hard time and going back through ECT again. (I've had ECT, so I know what it's like to go through) I'm very concerned for her.

I'm also feeling very lonely and in need of a friend, clearly my friend who is going back through ECT isn't someone to be leaning on and stressing out at the moment. That really leaves me with no one.

1.how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
Jess would be hurt if I did anything to hurt myself, my family would mad at me and take away a lot of my rights that I've earned back.



2.what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will complicate my friendship with Jess due to guilt and the possibility of indirectly "asking for" attention. It will simply make things between mother and I a mess. I don't even want to get into details...

3.how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel comforted and less lonely. It would definately make me more comforted in short term, but in the long term create a nightmare.


4.if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
It's not my best option, but it's AN option. The relief will only last 20 minutes or so, but that's better than how I feel right now....but it's not my best option because I don't want to lose all the months I have free....


5.what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I can post on main or in my place....not in the mood for ditractions, games, rw

that would keep me busy for most of the evening, I guess...


6.how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I'd be angry with myself for SIing if I did SI, but if I just post somewhere on the board, I still feel like shit tomorrow and feel alone and hurting watching a cloe friend go through hell and back as I suffer through needing someone and nobody being there.

7.what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to SI, but I'm not going to. It's a matter of the 5 minute game and hopefully the board pulling me through. I'm confused and upset. Replies would really help...I don't think I'm making sense...or maybe I'm just not thinking clearly tonight.....

c.

I think you made a lot of sense. You are worried about your friend and wanting comfort, but since you can't get it from your friend, you are feeling pulled toward SI.
How else can you comfort yourself? If you were trying to comfort a child who was scared, what would you do? Would any of that work on you right now?
I do think posting is a good idea. It sounds like you are feeling very alone right now, and maybe hearing from some of us will help you feel like you DO have people to lean on. We aren't physically there, but we are here for you.
Remember that your reasons for avoiding SI are valid. But if comfort is what you are hoping SI would do, we need to find something else (maybe several somethings) that will help in that area. Then the urges may not be so overwhelming.
Keep holding on!

I'd get up and leave the computer to do something comforting, but when I'm like this I first need to calm down more or else I will hurt myself. I know myself well enough to know that.

-C.

Glad you know yourself so well...that is a good sign.
What can you do while you are sitting there that will help you calm yourself? I have some things that I have tried when I am in class or at work, and so can't do anything too strange....one that helps sometimes is to play with my hair, cause it feels good. Or to give myself a mini massage in the areas where I know I carry tension. Or to just sit and focus on breathing for a bit...close everything else out and just breathe.
When you are more calm enough to leave the computer, what things will help keep you more relaxed? What can you use tonight or tomorrow to help you get through? (I may steal your ideas if they fit me...so please type them up, even if you don't need to for you )

I read children's books and color. While I'm at the computer I'll look on amazon for books to read and pictures to print and color.

I agree, you make a lot of sense. I've been in a really similar situation all month, so I can commiserate and say that you can get through this. It sounds like you know exactly what you need to do to make it without SI-ing, so keep doing those things. Looking at books on Amazon sounds like a lot of fun actually... I might have to add that to my list of distractions. *ponder*