after

[kate_]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

yes


what had happened just before?

i'm not sure what the trigger was this time...one second i was fine, and the next i had DECIDED that i was going to SI. it wasn't just an urge, it was a decision. i wasn't even going to argue with myself.


what were you thinking and feeling?

i broke down and cried hysterically, which i don't do as often anymore. i was curled up on my bathroom floor, screaming. i felt like i was in so much pain on the inside, it was like my chest was about to cave in and suck the whole world in with it. i felt disgusting, angry at myself, disgusted with myself...guilty, and worked up.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

a few days ago i had made an honest decision to stop SI'ing. i've gone almost a month without it before...but i only lasted 3 days without it this time. i know i didn't need to hurt myself, at the time i even said to myself 'you don't need to do this'. but i still did it. it was like my mind was apart from my body, not in a disassociation kind of way, but my body was just going on it's own, and my mind gave into it. i don't know why, but it really really scares me.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

when the idea of SI popped into my head, i should have taken a step back from myself and thought about it. i could have given it at least a few minutes...i knew i didn't want to SI, i want to stop, i want to heal and my scars to fade. but my SI today was like a fix. when i get a craving, i don't even think about it before i pick up the phone to get some drugs...it was exactly like that. all of a sudden, the fact that i was going to SI just became a reality for me, i didn't even try to argue with myself. probably the most out of control i've been with SI.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

i haven't been sleeping..the past week i've gotten less sleep than i usually do. not that i usually sleep anyways... i'm not sure if this had anything to do with it, but it might. i'm going to see my doc next week so she can do something about it though, i can't fix it on my own. i'm too scared to close my eyes, and when i do go to sleep i'm woken by a night terror in a matter of minutes. so hopefully she'll give me something to help me sleep. i wasn't doing drugs or drinking today, well i did drink but only while i was SI'ing. i'd made the decision, grabbed a bottle and headed to the bathroom. i don't think it was a factor, though i know it didn't help.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

i didn't try anything. i guess the reason i'm posting this is because i'm very confused, and i think i've completely lost control of it. it was like the addict in me was calling the shots again...and that's never happened with SI before. i knew deep down that i didn't want to SI, but i couldn't hear that part of my mind at the time..


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

of course there were, there always are. i saw my counsellor today, talked a bit about my SI because it scared me...my new plan is when i get triggered to first find something to distract myself. this is what i usually try doing first, and it always works..even if it just postpones SI'ing, it works at the time. after doing that for at least thirty minutes, i'll go for a walk...if i'm still urgy, i'll call a friend who's told me to ALWAYS call her before i try anything else.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

one thing i'll do is put my tools away...further away than i keep them now. i'm going to write down the things i have to try before i turn to SI and put that on top of my box of tools, so i go to it first.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

i'm unsure about what the situation was...that's what scares me, there wasn't really a situation. i was having an okay day, better than the last few, until it happened.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

of course...i usually notice when i'm triggered, i start to get anxious, my breathing speeds up, i get shaky...and my thought patterns stand out when i'm edgy or triggery, intrusive memories get me feeling guilty and disgusting and all that...that's what usually happens first.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

distractions for min 30 minutes, take a walk/run, call a friend..

[balletomane]

hey. i'm glad you've taken care of the physical wounds, just make sure you keep an eye on them. i think your ideas for distractions and the plan to put a list of coping skills on your box of tools are good. try them out for a bit and see how they work.

sometimes i have been in similar situations. i decide to SI when i am trying to stop. for me the pressure of counting days makes things harder.

you said that you've gone a month SI free before. what was different that time? what strategies did you use then that helped you?

good luck and take care.

[limestone]

walking sounds like a great idea. do you have a favourite route?