bus

# have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
don't need it.

# what had happened just before?
I was home alone...I read and posted several things on BUS...I don't really know. I know something must have triggered me somewhat, but I can't remember anything in particular. I filled out a Before, but it was stupid and pointless, and might have been triggering, so I deleted it before anyone read it.

# what were you thinking and feeling?
I was...angry. I felt alone. I felt...mixed up and tense. I don't know...I was thinking of how good it would feel to cut and how I couldn't really find a reason not to...I was thinking that what I do really doesn't make any difference anyway, so why not feel better if I can? I was somewhat depressed, I think...I can't always tell when I am depressed, but I was moving slower than usual.

# why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
I don't know. I guess getting angry with myself for the Before post...and I just wanted to SI, so I did.

# how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know. Usually I can find lots of other decisions...this time, I really think SI might have been the only way I have strong enough to handle the feelings...I know other methods are better, but I am not good enough at using them to make them work in a situation that intense. I wish the situation/feelings hadn't happened, but I am not sorry I SIed...

# were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Sorta...forgot my antidepressant the day before yesterday. But I took it yesterday and today, so I don't know if that made a difference or not.

# what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I posted, which didn't work at all...kinda made me more upset. I didn't really try anything else because I didn't really care if I SIed.

# in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I am sure there are some, but I can't think of them right now. The only thing I can think of is sleep, and I am not sure it would have made any difference.

# name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Um...sleep whenever I have urges?

# how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
Don't really know what the situation is. I still have lots of strong feelings stuffed away somewhere, but they seem more contained right now. I expect they will get out and cause problems again sometime...but I don't know how to resolve that.

# are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
The urge to cut may be a strong indicator.

# what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I can't think of three. Right now I can't think of any.

NobodyToYou wrote:# what were you thinking and feeling?
I was...angry. I felt alone. I felt...mixed up and tense. I don't know...I was thinking of how good it would feel to cut and how I couldn't really find a reason not to...I was thinking that what I do really doesn't make any difference anyway, so why not feel better if I can? I was somewhat depressed, I think...I can't always tell when I am depressed, but I was moving slower than usual.

I can definitely relate to that. Intense loneliness often leads to urges in me... Have you tried talking to people when you feel that lonely? As for having a reason not to, sometimes my only reason is because I know it would upset my friends. Yesterday I actually wrote a friend and asked her to write me a letter, telling me she doesn't want me to SI. That way, when I feel like I have to/it wouldn't matter, I have something in hand that reminds me that it does.

Thanks for the reply...
I have been in a really weird place the past few weeks...I am away from my T right now because of a break between semesters. At first I felt numb. Then I got quite depressed and lonely. Now I am feeling...I don't know. But I don't want to talk to people, reach for help, or even post. I am working hard to do this now...I want to close up again and stop trying. Part of me even wants to cancel my next appointment and not go back to my T. But I am pretty sure this is not a very healthy part of me...So talking to people has been very low on my priority list. And when I try (like the before post) I am getting very angry with myself. I don't know exactly why. It doesn't make sense to me either.
As far as hurting others...I kinda wish I was, but no one knows, so no one is getting hurt. Some people might be upset if they knew, but that is why I just don't tell them. What they don't know won't hurt them.
I better wrap up this quick before i decide not to post it. Don't like the little war in my head much.

I know what you mean there too. The more depressed/frantic I get, the more I want to just close in on myself and not worry about anything, and the only way I can think to do that is cutting.

But like you, I recognize that as being a not very healthy desire. Keep your appointment with your T, especially since it sounds like that's the only link your SI has with the rest of your life.

(Don't know if that made any sense... what I'm trying to say is having someone who isn't you know about your SI makes it a real world thing, instead of something you can just internalize and pretend there are no consequences. I guess it's like accountability, sort of.)

And I'm going to stop now before I start rambling...

It makes a lot of sense...I just don't like it right now. I think my attitude needs to be adjusted...just don't have the energy to do it now.