how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation won't change, but I can stop focusing on it and beating myself up over it for a little while, I want my brain back, even if it is just for a little while
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
It will bring more guilt and angers towards myself in the long run, but for short term it will give me some peace, for lack of a better word. It will take the urge out of the stuation for a while, so I guess it will also make for one less thing to think about.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to feel good in knowing that I solved my problems, or made them smaller. I want to feel like I really can be independent, rather than just trying to act like it because it has been forced on me. Cutting will make me further away from that because it will add to my problems, it will give me one more thing to beat up on myself for, one more reason to tear myself down.
if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
The relief will probably last an hour tops, but usually it can help me fight the urges for a few days. After that I will either give in again, get rid of my tools again, get high, or get drunk. One of those is a good option, but not a long term fix for me.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could try to read, but no matter I read the urges are there. It could buy me some time though. I could also try to sleep, that has been making me really frustrated lately because I always think before I fall asleep and the nightmares and insomnia are back. I am not sure I can lay still long enough to sleep either, I feel like I have to keep moving.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
I will feel guilty tomorrow if I hurt myself, and I will feel urgey tomorrow if I don't. Doing the other things won't make my problems smaller or go away, it is a way to buy time to a solution, but the urges won't go away until I act on them or find one.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I really want to cut, but other than that I really want to run and cry to my friend, tell her everything that is inside me and how empty and alone I feel. To stop trying to hide and joke, and pretending everything is okay. The best way to honor my self protect instince would probably be to write down everythiing I feel, try to organize what is in my head. If I could do that I would probably get more clarity than I would with SI.[/i]
before... updated with after
Moderator: treasure
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Guest
Here is the after.... I slipped....
have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
taken care of
what had happened just before?
The build up from all the things on my mind that were making me urgey and causing me problems and stress and anxiety got to be too much
what were you thinking and feeling?
I keep telling myself I will beat it next time, I know that doesn't work because if I keep saying it, next time will never come. I just kept thinking I need relief, even if it is temporary, I have been stressing and dealing with panic attacks for a while, and I couldn't do that again, I needed something.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Me beating myself up mentally was the final straw, I did it now for fear it would be worse later, I was holding off for other people not me, and sometimes when I do slip (which is becoming more frequent now) it gets worse for fear that my coping mechanism will be taken
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I just kept letting all the emotions and bad things inside of me build. When I was over at Pam's today, I should have really talked to her, I don't know why I didn't, I don't know what makes me think I can't. If I could have taken down the front I put up, I think I could have lasted longer, she knew I wanted to SI, but she had no idea how bad the urges were and how sad and alone I felt.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Lack of sleep was definitely one and I think drugs also had something to do with it. I wasn't on drugs when I SIed but I am and was pretty mad at myself for getting high over the weekend. The sleep issue I didn't have much control over because of when I had to get up and how big of a problem the insomnia is becoming, but with the drugs I should listen to myself, I knew it was a bad idea to get high before I did it, I knew it would cause anxiety from timing, but I tried to convince myself it wouldn't be this bad, in the future I need to listen to the little voice.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I read, which bought me some extra time. I also called Pam, which got me out of the house for a few hours, so that bought me more time. I guess that is an accomplishment. It worked well for a while, but sometimes it can only last so long.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Really talking to Pam, there is so much I want to get out, but I won't let myself pull down my tough and independent front. I could have also called my T, that might have helped, but I have never been able to bring myself to do it, because other people probably need that help and phoneline more than me.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Put public safeties number by my tools, so I can call my T. Tell Pam if I bring up the idea of SI that she needs to dig deep and not let me just drop it, because she knows I will try to make it look like I am okay or that it isn't that big of a deal (I ALWAYS call her before I do it, just usually I can't talk it out).
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I feel a little less overwhelmed for the time being, but once the initial effect of the SI wears off that will go away and I will probably feel worse because of the guilt and such that is now added. The problem isn't resolved and one thing I should do now is while my head is clearer right down what it is that is going on and break it into smaller pieces so I can more easily solve the issue at hand.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
It is very likely. I can always tell it is coming, but it is hard for me to put on the breaks, or talk to people about what I am feeling, that is one of my biggest issues, getting my feelings out in a more constructive manner
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1) Go for a walk, I did a little bit today, but not like I usually do (mainly because I am slightly sick.... or pretty sick if I were to not downplay so much) because this usually helps at least a little.
2) Call Pam, it got me more time before I cut, and it usually helps me to think about things more and sometimes it has helped me beat the urges.
3) Try to sleep, this is very effective unless the insomnia is prominent, but sometimes I can still nap, which can help me hold out for a while and hopefully beat the urge
have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
taken care of
what had happened just before?
The build up from all the things on my mind that were making me urgey and causing me problems and stress and anxiety got to be too much
what were you thinking and feeling?
I keep telling myself I will beat it next time, I know that doesn't work because if I keep saying it, next time will never come. I just kept thinking I need relief, even if it is temporary, I have been stressing and dealing with panic attacks for a while, and I couldn't do that again, I needed something.
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Me beating myself up mentally was the final straw, I did it now for fear it would be worse later, I was holding off for other people not me, and sometimes when I do slip (which is becoming more frequent now) it gets worse for fear that my coping mechanism will be taken
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I just kept letting all the emotions and bad things inside of me build. When I was over at Pam's today, I should have really talked to her, I don't know why I didn't, I don't know what makes me think I can't. If I could have taken down the front I put up, I think I could have lasted longer, she knew I wanted to SI, but she had no idea how bad the urges were and how sad and alone I felt.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Lack of sleep was definitely one and I think drugs also had something to do with it. I wasn't on drugs when I SIed but I am and was pretty mad at myself for getting high over the weekend. The sleep issue I didn't have much control over because of when I had to get up and how big of a problem the insomnia is becoming, but with the drugs I should listen to myself, I knew it was a bad idea to get high before I did it, I knew it would cause anxiety from timing, but I tried to convince myself it wouldn't be this bad, in the future I need to listen to the little voice.
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I read, which bought me some extra time. I also called Pam, which got me out of the house for a few hours, so that bought me more time. I guess that is an accomplishment. It worked well for a while, but sometimes it can only last so long.
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Really talking to Pam, there is so much I want to get out, but I won't let myself pull down my tough and independent front. I could have also called my T, that might have helped, but I have never been able to bring myself to do it, because other people probably need that help and phoneline more than me.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Put public safeties number by my tools, so I can call my T. Tell Pam if I bring up the idea of SI that she needs to dig deep and not let me just drop it, because she knows I will try to make it look like I am okay or that it isn't that big of a deal (I ALWAYS call her before I do it, just usually I can't talk it out).
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I feel a little less overwhelmed for the time being, but once the initial effect of the SI wears off that will go away and I will probably feel worse because of the guilt and such that is now added. The problem isn't resolved and one thing I should do now is while my head is clearer right down what it is that is going on and break it into smaller pieces so I can more easily solve the issue at hand.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
It is very likely. I can always tell it is coming, but it is hard for me to put on the breaks, or talk to people about what I am feeling, that is one of my biggest issues, getting my feelings out in a more constructive manner
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1) Go for a walk, I did a little bit today, but not like I usually do (mainly because I am slightly sick.... or pretty sick if I were to not downplay so much) because this usually helps at least a little.
2) Call Pam, it got me more time before I cut, and it usually helps me to think about things more and sometimes it has helped me beat the urges.
3) Try to sleep, this is very effective unless the insomnia is prominent, but sometimes I can still nap, which can help me hold out for a while and hopefully beat the urge
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Wandering
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Sorry you didn't make it through, hope you're feeling ok.
I can't think of much to say right now, sorry, but just to try to make sure you do those things you noted down - you sound like you have a good idea of what helps, and its a case of making sure you actually do them.
Take care, Andi x
Have you tried writing it down instead? That way you can take as long as you need to force yourself to put it honestly and to the extent that it really is. Then you can give them the letter and its harder to deny how bad you're feelingReally talking to Pam, there is so much I want to get out, but I won't let myself pull down my tough and independent front. I could have also called my T, that might have helped, but I have never been able to bring myself to do it, because other people probably need that help and phoneline more than me.
I can't think of much to say right now, sorry, but just to try to make sure you do those things you noted down - you sound like you have a good idea of what helps, and its a case of making sure you actually do them.
Take care, Andi x
Perhaps one day this too will be pleasant to remember
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