bus

1) how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
I don't know... don't know quite why I feel like cutting so it's hard to say how it would change.

2) what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
*sigh* Again, I don't know. No, that's not true. It would provide some sense of relief to this itching desire I have to just... crawl out of my skin. I feel so... jittery, it's driving me crazy.

3) how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
Usually I'd say I want to feel better--if I'm nervous, calm; if I'm sad, happy. Right now, I'd settle for just feeling differently than I do right now. Different how doesn't matter at the moment.

4) if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
I don't know. A day, maybe... but a day different from how I feel right now would be a day I'd enjoy. What will I do when it wears off... probably keeps SI-ing. Because it made it go away for a while, so it'll work again.

5) what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I could tell someone... if I tell people, I'm less likely to do it. Or I could... get off the computer and go write a letter to my friend... but it's gonna be a pretty serious letter, and I'm not sure I could handle that. I could take a bath, but that's iffy too. I could hunt down some chocolate. I want chocolate.

None of those would really last though. Well, telling someone might, which is why I don't want to. I don't want to be talked out of it.

6) how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
Different. Different bad probably... and a little guilty. And if I go talk to someone... I'll likely feel resentful that they talked me out of it. Yeah... not much wanting to be talked out of it right now, if you can't tell.

7) what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want my arm to stop hurting... random thing, but that's the first thing that came to mind. I wanted to work on my story tonight, but my arm is acting up and my hands are all tingly, so I really can't type very well and it's distracting, and that together with just the day in general has got me pretty depressed and frantic and I just want something to go right. I was really looking forward to writing.

None of those would really last though. Well, telling someone might, which is why I don't want to. I don't want to be talked out of it.

Ok, they might not last long term, but they will get you through the next minute/hour/day. Keep doing things and you'll find all those short bits of time add up. Which, I reckon, is what coping is about initially - preventing yourself SIing for a bit longer, and hoping the next hour/day/week will be a bit more bearable.

Well, telling someone might, which is why I don't want to. I don't want to be talked out of it

Hey, I'm good at that feeling!!! I do it so often!!! I know full well that if I text/call one of my friends going 'argh can't cope' the chances are I won't, mainly (for me) because I would hate to then have to say I went ahead and did it. But its possibly one of those things that you should make yourself do, because if it works its evidently a good prevention strategy. What you need to tackle, maybe, is why you don't want to be talked out of it?

Hope you made it through ok
Take care, Andi x

Thanks Andi. I did eventually tell one of my friends. The truth? I don't want to tell them because I always feel like such a... reject, having to come to them again saying I'm struggling. I know that's not right, and they've told me not to feel like that more than once, but somehow I just feel like a burden, and I don't like that feeling. Before I started SI-ing, I was usually pretty upbeat. (Well, I have depression so not necessarily upbeat but def. more positive.) Now I feel like every time I talk to people, I have some negative thing to say. I don't like that.

Now I feel like every time I talk to people, I have some negative thing to say. I don't like that.

i feel like this a lot too. but one of my friends managed to persuade me that it was okay if it helped me. the hope is that anything that will help me now will allow me to return to my more positive self soon. so if your friends are willing to talk at the moment, and you feel like it would help you, you don't need to feel guilty about it. sorry if this doesn't make any sense or isn't helpful. take care.

It makes perfect sense, and it's what one of my closest friends has been telling me for months. I'm just having a little bit of difficulty internalizing it I guess... I mean, I used to be the one that people came to with problems, now I'm the one with problems. I feel like my friendships lately have been seriously unbalanced--instead of a give and take, with both helping each other, I've been needing all the help. I just... gah.

However, I have been able to help my friend lately so I don't know why I still feel like that. Old habit I guess.