... before

[silenceBROKEN]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

At lifeguard training, they informed us that they would always be testing us, slipping dummies into the pools and areas without us watching.

Today, my second day of work, they did that to me. I had 10 seconds to spot the dummy. It was an infant doll, and they slipped in behind a waterfall in a rocky area. I even saw it but I honestly thought it was a rock. I was standing there 2 minutes until they told me I screwed up. That's 12 times what it should have taken me to see it and go in after it.

I had three suprovisors talk to me for ten minutes each. Saying things like, "Imagine if that was a real person." "We'll be watching you from now on very closely." "You're a lifeguard, not a deathguard." I almost cried right then and there.

Rules are, if you fail the test, you go home. I had to call home and get a ride from my parents. I wasn't alone. There were three other people in my zone only. Out of a total of 10 or so in Zone 3, 3 were sent home. Yet, I don't care about the others. I care about me, and how I feel. And I know that I am such a failure. Nothing else seems to matter.

Doesn't help that last night, when I went to Wal-mart with my mother, I stole blabes. I broke the law over self injury. Pathetic. That's not me. It can't be. I am not one to steal.. to do something like that. I feel like a monster.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Not exactly here, but yes, I've certainly been urgy before. It defintely varied, what I did. Sometimes, I gave in, other times I fought. I felt just as worthless, stupid, pathetic, and desperate as I do now.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I took a nap and ate one of my favorite foods, spaghetti, for dinner. I can read, write, listen to music, take a bubble bath, cry, or sleep. None of those would hurt me.


How do I feel right now?

Insecure, worthless, pathetic, exhausted, ashamed, embarassed, hollow, alone, insecure, stressed, unaware of my surroundings, scared, like a failure, and like I need to cry.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Calm, relieved, and peaceful.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

It'll hurt. Emotionally, I'll be drained. I'll go to sleep and wake up feeling regret and shame yet also proud of my "work." If it's not under my swimming suit for work, I'll feel ashamed and embarassed.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I could make sure to go in after anything I'm not sure of and spot the dummy next time. If I screw up, I can think of it as a day off to recoup and deal with the emotions that will be running high from screwing up.

I could also not steal anymore blades.


Do I need to hurt myself?

No, but it's never a question of need, it's a question of want. I defintely want too, and that want is so strong, it certainly feels like I need to.

[plantt]

i'd guess... that's *why* they use the dummies... so that you'll learn with them rather than having that happen while you were on-duty. it sounds like one mistake you'd not let happen again. i'm guessing you'll be far more aware of anything even that *could be* a human... after this.
it was a mistake. & one that i'm guessing you learned from. mistakes happen. & it wasn't something that only happened to you. cutting won't let you go back in time & change things. it's not going to make you more aware in the future. i'm guessing this experience is going to make you *very* aware.

stealing is against the law. cutting with stolen blades isn't going to let you go back & choose to not steal. if you're not one to steal... then imo the thing to do would be to *not* use what you stole... & to not steal again.

making mistakes makes you human. not worthless.

i've done things(& not done things) that have resulted in others getting hurt. or... not preventing things. & i've stole. i know how those things can make you feel lower than dirt. hurting yourself on top of it doesn't make things better.

I could make sure to go in after anything I'm not sure of and spot the dummy next time. If I screw up, I can think of it as a day off to recoup and deal with the emotions that will be running high from screwing up.

I could also not steal anymore blades.

sounds like a really good plan

i'm wondering... if too it might help to casually mention how it's felt to you... to one of the others who was sent home... it sounds... like something that would be highly upsetting to many people...

I can read, write, listen to music, take a bubble bath, cry, or sleep. None of those would hurt me.

should keep you busy for awhile

I defintely want too, and that want is so strong, it certainly feels like I need to.

*nods* wants can be really really intense.

i'm sorry things are so tough atm... hang in there

[littlethings]

"You're a lifeguard, not a deathguard." I almost cried right then and there.

That's horrible! I can't believe someone would say that, you poor thing, sounds like you've had a really tough day.

Doesn't help that last night, when I went to Wal-mart with my mother, I stole blabes. I broke the law over self injury. Pathetic. That's not me. It can't be. I am not one to steal.. to do something like that. I feel like a monster.

I'm afraid it is you. But this is what's called a dialectic, because I know that You stole blades AND you are not a monster. You are allowed to mess up. And yes, you are allowed to mess up more than once per day. Plantt said it before, if you use the blades you are going to make yourself feel even more guilty (which sort of defeats the purpose of self-injuring...to make you feel better...).

Insecure, worthless, pathetic, exhausted, ashamed, embarassed, hollow, alone, insecure, stressed, unaware of my surroundings, scared, like a failure, and like I need to cry.

That's a good list. Okay, well not good in a happy way, but I'm impressed by your handle on what emotions you are feeling. Have you been able to cry? I'm not one for big displays of emotion around others, but sometimes crying just helps more than is reasonable. What specific actions will help you with each of those? ex. you feel alone, does getting a response on bus help with that? or for exhausted & stressed you could sleep...etc.

It'll hurt. Emotionally, I'll be drained. I'll go to sleep and wake up feeling regret and shame yet also proud of my "work." If it's not under my swimming suit for work, I'll feel ashamed and embarassed.

Okay, so let's make a list.
Negative Effects of SI
1. You will feel guilty over the stolen blades
2. You will feel regret & shame over the SI
3. You will possibly be embarassed
4. If you feel proud of your 'work,' then may I guess that there are times when you aren't satisfied and then feel displeasure? You are exhausted right now, so I bet it's going to be hard to meet any standards you might have.
5. Fresh wounds and diving into water don't mix. If you think you're going to have to dive in for another dummy, well, SI is just going to leave you with stinging wounds that delay your reaction time.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I could make sure to go in after anything I'm not sure of and spot the dummy next time. If I screw up, I can think of it as a day off to recoup and deal with the emotions that will be running high from screwing up.

I could also not steal anymore blades.

That's a good list. Seriously. Now, easier said than done of course. But I like your attitude about taking a day to recoup

JoAnna