bus

relieving the anxiety and anger to some extent...

If writing and drawing doesn't work at times, maybe try some other coping methods. Why do you think SI works for you? You say its not about the pain, so what is it? If you can work out to some extent why it is effective at relieving those emotions, then you may be able to identify healthier coping strategies that approximate that. For me, I think SI mainly works because it numbs me and calms me - it doesn't tend to be about punishing myself or anything. Therefore the coping mechanisms I find work best for me are those that relax me and help me get away from the stress of building up emotions.

i didn't tell them i really needed to talk to them ASAP.... i'm not one for dramatics and crises and urgency no matter how real the situation is...... i just don't like to do that to people...... it doesn't seem fair

I know, and its something I really struggle with too. However, if you think about it, I'm sure your friend would rather you put them out a little and stay safe, rather than don't ask for there help and don't make it through. I know I would. I've had some long late nights talking to friends who are close to doing something stupid, and I've never resented them for it, because its a lot more important to me that they stay safe. Give it a go one time

the after is always bad for me...... always full of regret and guilt.. but in the moment all memory of the inevitable aftermath disappears...

Have you thought about writing down exactly how bad it is after you've SI'd, and putting this somewhere where you have to see it before you SI? For example, if you have a tool, or a place you SI, put it there so you make yourself read it first. Might not work, but worth a go?

but i haven't been able to find a better way to cope...

Keep trying - I'm willing to bet that you haven't tried every coping strategy on those lists yet, and even if you don't reckon one will work, you may as well try it. Also, remember that you need to re-educate yourself to use strategies other than SI - your body knows SI works, so initially its gonna be hard to replace it with something else. But you really sound like you want to beat this, and you can, it just takes time and effort.

Take care of you
Andi x

just wanted to say that i read and i care...hope things get better, take care of yourself

would listening to music have helped?