bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
hahahaha nooo mang it's okay.


what had happened just before?
umm...i was drinking, and having a shower. yes. now i am clean.


what were you thinking and feeling?
i felt like shit. swell pretty much always do. and yes, i am going to my therpy appt in an hour. or so. i should get dressed...well i am thi king that this is not okay..and i feel like shit. i just want this to be over.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
it was just everything building up...i had 'distracted' myself the last few days so i didnt' si. but i couldnt aymore. and drinking is not a good idea. especially when i'm alone. it's okay tho cause i couldnt feel a thing. but it felt amazing.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i just kept letting things build up. i did not 'let it out' in any other way, and it finally built up inside of me so much that i just exploded.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
yes, i was drinking. i'm not sure i wouldn't have cut if i was sober...but drinking deffinately doesn't help much. i dont feel anything, so the next day im super ouchy, because i don't feel anything so i cut way deeper. i could have stayed away from alc, but really..whats the point> if i'm not drunk i'm high..so we/ at least i didnt get raped this time


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
i had just put SI off for so long...today i didnt try much tho..i was doing okay, unstil i started drinking.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
no the the thing is, i'm not sure why i'm here. i want to pass out. i could have done a million things to avoid SI, i know i could have...and i could have avoided it. but i just didn't WANT to anymore. i dont know why i didn't want to...i'm still bleeding. its been like half an hour and i'm still bleeding. fuck i hat emyself. i hate when i drink, or when iuse. i just shouldn't be.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i dont get the question. next time i'll hopefully be smart enogh to realize that i DONT want to cut. but i wasn't this time..i can do a million things instead. distract myself, watch a movie, journal, fucking draw on my arms with red markers...it's worked before. i'm not sure why i didnt try ti this time

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
nothing is resolved. it's my life. there is no specific 'situation'. it's just my life..and as long as im still here its not resolved.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes i will haha i'll probably recognize when i feel like SIing again. but i'm always in that situation, at least a few times a day.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
next time i will journal before i cut...it has helped me in the past i dont know why i dont do it anymore. and i can try colouring myself with a marker..or squeezing an ice cube until i feel like my arm's falling off. wow i fucking hate myself..i'm so fuckec up/..

it sounds like you're pretty clear on at least one of the factors that makes you vulnerable. are there any safeguards you can put into place to make it less likely that you'll find yourself drinking alone in the future?

i hear that you've been feeling horrible lately. just a thought— i find that sometimes it helps me when i can move beyond a general "i feel awful" to figure out more specifically what i'm feeling (fear, anger, guilt, sadness, etc.)

i think i can relate to that feeling of knowing that you can do other things, but just not wanting to avoid si. if you're not sure why you didn't want to avoid it, maybe it would help to think about what you feared would happen if you didn't do it?

i hope you're okay.

dragonfly

I hope you managed to look after your wounds properly. Good wound care is very important to minimise risks to your health and help healing.

kate wrote:i just kept letting things build up. i did not 'let it out' in any other way, and it finally built up inside of me so much that i just exploded.

kate wrote:i could have done a million things to avoid SI, i know i could have...

What ways could you have used to not just avoid SI, but deal with the things going on?

The drinking sounds like a pretty big factor in your SI.

kate wrote:i could have stayed away from alc, but really..whats the point> if i'm not drunk i'm high

What is the point in working on your SI if you're not willing to try changing things that might help you?

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just really not understanding why you're saying it doesn't matter, because from the rest of what you've said, it does sound like it is important.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again. i dont get the question. next time i'll hopefully be smart enogh to realize that i DONT want to cut. but i wasn't this time..i can do a million things instead. distract myself, watch a movie, journal, fucking draw on my arms with red markers...it's worked before. i'm not sure why i didnt try ti this time

The way I understand the question, is that it relates to the one before where it asked what other methods you could have used. This one is asking when things get bad next time, what can you do to make sure that these things you've just thought of, are things you'll employ. For example, if one of your ideas is to draw on yourself with red markers, put your tools in a box and keep the red markers on top of it, so you'll get to them first.

The thing about hoping you'll realise you don't want to cut sounds misleading to me. It is okay to want to cut. In the moment, you might want to because you know it brings temporary relief. Denying yourself that isn't necessarily the best way to cope with the urges. What might be better (imo) is to make note of what your reasons for not wanting to cut are, your reasons for stopping SI, and making sure you can remember them when you need to know. Wanting to SI in the moment doesn't mean you don't want to, or aren't committed to stopping. A want can exist without being acted on.

Have you spoken to your T about your self-hate? It sounds very intense and painful for you.

Hey. I'm sorry you've had a bad day. I hope you're feeling a bit calmer and more clear about things. Did you go to your therapy session?

I think really the main issue was the drinking, yeh? It certainly sounds like it was a major thing that pushed you towards SI. Why did you decide to drink today? Could you have avoided that? If you're gonna try to tackle your SI, really you also need to look at the factors that make it more likely too, like drinking and drugs.

nothing is resolved. it's my life. there is no specific 'situation'. it's just my life..and as long as im still here its not resolved.

Well, thats a rather negative view of it. I would say, while you might not be able to change the situations, you can change how you view it and deal with it. Its just easy to fall into 'escaping' dealing with it by drinking, drugs or SI - all of those things mean you avoid dealing with the feelings and circumstances. If you face up to them instead, maybe you can start to sort things out. Things can get better.

Take care
Andi x

thanks everyone for replying to me even though i sounded so, just, you know.

It is okay to want to cut. In the moment, you might want to because you know it brings temporary relief. Denying yourself that isn't necessarily the best way to cope with the urges.

i know what you mean...but i don't often deny it. i meant in general, i don't want to cut. i don't get pleasure from it, in a normal kind of pleasure sense. [wow that was weird...i get what i mean though] i know that i really don't want to cut. even when i'm about to SI, i have everything ready...i still do things to put it off, i let myself get distracted. part of it is that it's just hard to start for me..i'm not sure.

What might be better (imo) is to make note of what your reasons for not wanting to cut are, your reasons for stopping SI, and making sure you can remember them when you need to know.

this is a great idea. i've never really focused on that part of it when i've stopped before..i think that would be really helpful.

i know an obvious way to avoid situations like this in the future would be to avoid drinking alone..but looking back at it, i'm pretty sure i started drinking because i knew i was going to SI. i gave into it, accepted that SI was what was going to happen, and started drinking to make it less painful, or easier. besides that, i know i would have caused a lot less damage if i had been sober. i just need to take a break from myself..this vicious self-destructive cycle i've let myself fall into is not good.

if you're not sure why you didn't want to avoid it, maybe it would help to think about what you feared would happen if you didn't do it?

this is a great question...i think it would deffinately help if i can figure this out before i SI. i'm not sure right now what it was that i feared..but i'll keep that question in mind and try to figure myself out a bit more..

Its just easy to fall into 'escaping' dealing with it by drinking, drugs or SI - all of those things mean you avoid dealing with the feelings and circumstances.

I KNOW. grrr it's frustrating. i'm trying to start working on the problems behind my actions and all the feelings that go with them..

thanks again