bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't know. I had a pretty good day, I think. It was long, but nothing bad happened. I just feel like SIing.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes...I usually try to distract myself or hold out for a while. Sometimes it works better than others. But the urges rarely go away...even if I can distract myself long enough to go to sleep, I will probably wake up feeling this way again. And eventually I will not feel like fighting it.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I really haven't done anything because I don't really feel discomfort. I am here rather than SIing now...but I don't know what I am really feeling right now. As I have seen Plantt mention, an urge to SI probably means there are some feelings involved...just don't know what they are.

How do I feel right now?
umm....kinda blank? Don't really know.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I don't know that either. I don't know what I would be wanting from SI right now.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
By tomorrow I won't care. Tonight...I might get angry or depressed, if SI brought out feelinsgs that are hidden right now. I don't know if it would or not...sometimes it does, but sometimes it makes them seem even farther away. I don't know if that even makes sense.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know. I don't know what the stressor is... If I just call it random urges, I probably can't avoid them. Maybe in the future I can find a way to figure out what is triggering them or what I would be wanting from SI and find it another way? I just don't know how to identify that stuff right now.

Do I need to hurt myself?
nope. Not even close to a need. But still having urges. This has happened before, but I still don't understand it.

Have you ever held out when having an urge? Did it go away eventually?

You say that you had a good day, nothing bad happened but it was long - do you think that part of why you're feeling like SI now is that you're tired?

One thing that can affect me but may not apply to you, is that I'll feel bad at the end of a good day if I've been enjoying myself, because then there is the contrast with my normal loneliness/emptiness at the end. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong, just that I'm aware of how my "normal" is.

NobodyToYou wrote:As I have seen Plantt mention, an urge to SI probably means there are some feelings involved...just don't know what they are.

Identifying feelings can be hard. Its worth keeping thinking about now though.

What do you think SI would do ? If you SIed, what would happen ? Your expectations might give a clue as to what you're looking for/needing.

Thanks for the reply.
Yes, I have made it through urges before...however, that is rare. And they are usually tied to some stressful event, so if I can hold on long enough, the stress decreases or I give up and SI. In this situation...I don't know what is behind these urges. My normal pattern is for urges to stay at a similar level or build until I SI. I might have a few minutes of distraction or escape by sleeping, but the urges come back as soon as I get out of bed. So...I don't know. I know it is possible, but I don't have a very good record on getting through.
I know that I am tired now. I don't know if that is making the triggers worse or not. I need to go to bed, but I am not feeling strong enough to go into my bedroom yet, cause my tools are there. And it would be so easy to slip...

One thing that can affect me but may not apply to you, is that I'll feel bad at the end of a good day if I've been enjoying myself, because then there is the contrast with my normal loneliness/emptiness at the end. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong, just that I'm aware of how my "normal" is.

There may be something to this...I had a good evening, babysitting some kids I really like. And for me right now "good" is pretty special. So maybe this is the let down after the good moments...I don't know how to handle it, but that might get me closer to a reason for the urges.

What do you think SI would do ? If you SIed, what would happen ?

I really have no idea. This is a bit strange for me...it is usually easier to identify what I would gain from SI. Right now I don't know...very strange...

Yes, I have made it through urges before...however, that is rare.

Does having got through urges before tell you that you can push through them ? Sometimes reminding yourself of these times, and remembering that SI is not inevitable just because you have an urge can be useful.

I hope you managed to get some sleep.

It is very frusterating when you can't name what is causing you the urge to cut. When it's so many things that it seems like nothing at all...that's when it's hard. I bet if you think long and hard about it, you can identify what's triggering you. Sometimes taking that time to figure things out and think in a more rational manner can help the urge to subside. Just a thought.

Still haven't figured it all out, but I think part of it was having a good evening. I don't know why that was triggering, really, but I think it was a part. I was also very tired, which made it worse. The urges are still there, but I am handling them better now that I am not as tired. I am trying to take it easy today and not expect much of myself so hopefully I will give myself whatever I am needing, even though I haven't been able to figure out exactly what it is.

glad you're able to handle them a bit better....
really i'm not sure... if urges that i can link to a reason are worse or ones i cannot link to a reason... probably just depends on which is happening at the time

I don't know what I would be wanting from SI right now.

then why do it?
sometimes... i can get so caught up in trying to figure out why there's an urge... that it just adds urge on top of urge because i get upset at not being able to pinpoint a reason... sometimes it can help to just leave it for the moment... to just accept that 'hmm there's an urge & i'm not sure why. interesting'
anyhow... hope you're hanging in there