BEFORE//pathetic.

[kate_]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

my fear of living. of him coming back, i know he knows where i live...he must have gotten someone to follow me home one of those days. there were so many days and i didn't even care, i just wanted to get home as quick as i could, they know where i live. it's only a matter of time..everybody's told me that. nothing in this world is free. and i'm scared, soooo scared. i know i'll call him again too. i need it too badly. i NEED it. and i don't even care that i'm going to call him, which scares me.

and therapy this week, that sent me off the edge. we started talking more about my past, and it just brought up so much..nothing that i shared with my T. i can't. but it's not burried deep inside me anymore, i need to get it out.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

tons of times.. i would either cut or get drugs. i felt the same, after cutting i feel better than after drugs..well than wayy after drugs. and i don't think i can handle drugs tonight..i'm too breakable, i won't last through it. i'll beg him to not let go of my neck just this once..wouldn't that be a nice way out


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

i've been on BUS. distracting myself..it only works for so long. i can keep distracting myself...but i don't know why i'm even here. i WANT to hurt. but i guess i don't..


How do I feel right now?

anxious really really anxious. jittery, and scared. but i'm always soo scared. i want to cry but i can't cry anymore.. i'm just about to break, i don't know what else to do. i have the worst cravings..i need SOMETHING. and cutting is easier ..


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

i'll feel way calmer, relaxed. care free...or careless. whichever comes first. i'll feel relief. satisfaction.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

i won't feel as 'better' as i expect to...i'll have to bandage my arm, again, and i'm tired, i just want to go to sleep. but i'm too scared to sleep..maybe i'll be able to sleep better after i cut. maybe i won't wake up in the middle of the night shaking and crying. maybe i'll be too distracted by the pain to think about how meaningless my life is. maybe i'll be too tired to think at all. hopefully. tomorrow i'll feel pathetic and useless, but i probably would anyways. i'll feel a bit let down maybe.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

yes, i could go back to my abusive bf [again] and get drugs from his or his buddies after they beat and rape me. that always gets rid of my anxiety and fear, sounds sarcastic but it's true. it's cutting or drugs. my therapist says cutting doesn't hurt me as much emotionally.. i'll admit she's right even though i'd rather get high.. so really i'm making a smarter choice [which i hadn't been doing for the past few weeks.] i don't have other ideas, nothing else works..

Do I need to hurt myself?

YES. okay nobody needs to hurt themselves, i know. but i do. i need to get it out of me, to cut it out. i need to have a release, i need to get away from him. i need to have control. and i neeeeed to stop these cravings. i don't know of any other way. i sound so pathetic and fucked up. i hate myself. maybe i should call him. it's not like i don't deserve it.

[mallie]

It sounds like you feel really unsafe physically. Is there any way to ensure you don't have to worry about these people hurting you? That kind of constant worry sounds really difficult to cope with.

If therapy set you off this week, can you talk to your T about ways to make it a safer process for you ? I know some people take a bit of time at the end of sessions to wind things down a little so they can leave in a safer frame of mind...

You don't deserve pain or to be maltreated by people. How are things feeling now?