A before

[Wandering]

I'm not in a good place right now, and I have a bad feeling I'm not gonna get through without SI. I'm not sure if I want to get through. But anyway...

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
Its been a really stressful week. I'm running out of time to finish college, do exams, and prepare for my gap year. Or at least I feel I do. I'm probably not that short of time. Then this evening my mother's just been an absolute pain in the backside, and constantly getting on my back. Now I just want to cut

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, many a time. I usually SI. Well I normally ride it out for a while then give in. Today I'm too tired to even try fighting. When I SI I feel better for a bit, Right now I feel I need that breathing space

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
Come on here. Got some work out of the way. Am avoiding my mum. Took my dog out to flyball. I still feel bad. What else can I do? Well, any number of things off the coping lists, but right now I don't want to - I want to cut and nothing else

How do I feel right now?
So tense that I'm about to crack. Hurt and angry at my mum. Stressed. Triggery. My arms have gone really sensitive.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Utter relief. Relaxed. Free

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Bad that I gave in, but not that bad. Happier than I feel now. Able to think clearly.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
Well I leave the country in 3 weeks, which might help!

Do I need to hurt myself?
No. No one ever needs to hurt themself. But that doesn't stop me wanting to and feeling like its the best option. The only problem is, I really can't. I'm doing Camp America this summer and the last thing I want is visible scars. My arm has healed really well, and if I cut now it'll mess all that up. But unfortunately there are ways round that, so even that isn't really convincing me.

[mallie]

Sorry this reply is so late. I hope you managed to stay safe.

Do I need to hurt myself? No. No one ever needs to hurt themself. But that doesn't stop me wanting to and feeling like its the best option.

I think its really good that you can recognise that its not a need, no matter how much you want it.

Now that you're not in the point of feeling urgy, can you think of other ways that could be effective to deal with the triggery feelings?

[Wandering]

Hey

Thanks for the reply. I did make it through, but only just. I'd actually opened the drawer to get out my 'tool', then decided I should try one coping method at least, even though I didn't want to. So I read a bit of the bible, and it helped enough to stop me cutting.

Am still very urgy though. I think the main issue is making myself believe I don't want to cut. Once I've decided I don't want to, I can beat the urges quite easily. The problem is, I sometimes can't see any reason to want to not cut. Then I have no reason to resist, and thats usually when I end up cutting.

Any suggestions?

[ChaseThisLight]

That's when things are the most frusterating; when you just can't think of any reason not to cut. I know when I was actively SI'ing I had that mind block all the time. I guess for me thinking about hurting my friends (and to a degree my family) was enough to make me not cut. Or letting myself down. Hang in there...find your reason.

[plantt]

one thing that works at times for me... when my own reasons give out... is to hold on to knowing that other people still believe that si'ing is not the best option... that they believe that getting si out of my life is really going to be best...
i know that 'stopping for other people' is a rather sensitive issue on bus. personally though... my own reasons tend to shake a lot at times. & holding to knowing that other peoples reasons don't always shake so much as mine... can reinforce my willingness to stick things out.

i think too... that at times... it's a matter of keeping on... holding to faith... trusting that at one point you did have reasons... knowing that things change & that at a later point your reasons may become more clear again.

[mallie]

I'm glad to hear you got through

Am still very urgy though. I think the main issue is making myself believe I don't want to cut.

Do you need to believe that you don't want to cut? Perhaps accepting that you want to cut - but that you don't need to, and that there are reasons why its not a good idea - would be better than trying to make yourself accept something that isn't true.

Personally, I have enough trouble making myself believe what IS true, let alone what isn't, but I'd like to be real. I tend to look at SI as something that I may want, but unless I can justify it as necessary or useful, and can't find other ways to deal with the urges, I won't do it. Perhaps changing the way you look at things could be one way to make the process easier?

What reasons do you have, generally, for wanting to not SI ? Could you list and detail them now (for yourself) so that you don't have to come up with them when you really need to know them ?

[Wandering]

one thing that works at times for me... when my own reasons give out... is to hold on to knowing that other people still believe that si'ing is not the best option... that they believe that getting si out of my life is really going to be best...

Yep - those kind of things tend to be my main reasons most of the time. I feel while its down to me whether or not I hurt myself, its not my right to hurt my friends, which does make me think more about whether or not I'll SI. Not sure if thats the best of reasons either, but if it works, it can't be that bad!

Andi wrote:
Am still very urgy though. I think the main issue is making myself believe I don't want to cut.

Do you need to believe that you don't want to cut? Perhaps accepting that you want to cut - but that you don't need to, and that there are reasons why its not a good idea - would be better than trying to make yourself accept something that isn't true.

I don't think I phrased that very well when I wrote it. I meant more believing that SI wasn't the answer, and that I shouldn't do it, rather than believing that I didn't want to. Cos obviously I wanted to - I wouldn't have been struggling not to otherwise. Unfortunately the other night I couldn't come up with any reason why not to that was good enough to convince myself not to SI. Well I didn't in the end anyhow but you know that already

Could you list and detail them now (for yourself) so that you don't have to come up with them when you really need to know them?

Good idea - I'll go do that

Thankyou all so much for your ideas - has helped a lot - especially as I'm feeling a little fragile tonight and its nice to know people care

Andi x