before (update: +after)
Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 10:09 pm
Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
i wanted to last night, but went to bed and had a fit. i can feel another one coming on, and it scares me.
i am lonely, i am tired.
i finished my essay, but it's not good, and i can see it. i need to start work on my class tomorrow, because i'm running behind schedule today.
i have another, big, essay to start tomorrow, that i'm scared of writing.
i have to go to a meeting tomorrow night that makes me so intimidated, and considering how i screwed up and let down half the people that i need to impress that'll be there, i'm not not not looking forward to it.
i have a conference to go to on my future career i want on saturday, which should be great but in the mood that i'll be in after this week is over i know when i get in conferences that size i'll feel so small and stupid and slow and pointless, everyone else will be more intelligent and better prepared and qualified.
i have nothing to look forward to that i can think of. even the summer is big and frightening and stressful, and i haven't done enough for it. kit says i could turn all of these into positives, but i can't see them, or won't let myself see them.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, and i'll be here again, tomorrow night, and friday night. i either cut, or i go to bed and have fits. i could go and see people, but that only works in some moods, and i'll just go and burst into tears or feel worse in this one, if i see people. i'll distract kit from his work. and people don't really need to know, everyone's stressed now.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i finished the essay, and i tried to play around on the internet but felt guilty because i should be working.
i could go to bed, i could do something creative.
How do I feel right now?
incredibly crap, low, bottom. i'm going to cry, which will make me even more angry with myself.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i will be focused, and in control. i won't think of anything else. i'll have 40 minutes of calm and quiet and rest.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i'll feel calm and better. tomorrow, i may get frustrated with myself for giving in, but will feel a bit better. i can do it so that kit won't see, probably, but i want the usual place.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
it's a combination of work, and me. i don't think i've ever learnt to deal with it.
Do I need to hurt myself?
i shouldn't, but i need to. otherwise it'll be sometime else. what's the point in putting it off and just feeling worse and worse? i can't cope with all this, i wish i wasn't here.
i wanted to last night, but went to bed and had a fit. i can feel another one coming on, and it scares me.
i am lonely, i am tired.
i finished my essay, but it's not good, and i can see it. i need to start work on my class tomorrow, because i'm running behind schedule today.
i have another, big, essay to start tomorrow, that i'm scared of writing.
i have to go to a meeting tomorrow night that makes me so intimidated, and considering how i screwed up and let down half the people that i need to impress that'll be there, i'm not not not looking forward to it.
i have a conference to go to on my future career i want on saturday, which should be great but in the mood that i'll be in after this week is over i know when i get in conferences that size i'll feel so small and stupid and slow and pointless, everyone else will be more intelligent and better prepared and qualified.
i have nothing to look forward to that i can think of. even the summer is big and frightening and stressful, and i haven't done enough for it. kit says i could turn all of these into positives, but i can't see them, or won't let myself see them.
Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
yes, and i'll be here again, tomorrow night, and friday night. i either cut, or i go to bed and have fits. i could go and see people, but that only works in some moods, and i'll just go and burst into tears or feel worse in this one, if i see people. i'll distract kit from his work. and people don't really need to know, everyone's stressed now.
What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i finished the essay, and i tried to play around on the internet but felt guilty because i should be working.
i could go to bed, i could do something creative.
How do I feel right now?
incredibly crap, low, bottom. i'm going to cry, which will make me even more angry with myself.
How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
i will be focused, and in control. i won't think of anything else. i'll have 40 minutes of calm and quiet and rest.
How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
i'll feel calm and better. tomorrow, i may get frustrated with myself for giving in, but will feel a bit better. i can do it so that kit won't see, probably, but i want the usual place.
Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
it's a combination of work, and me. i don't think i've ever learnt to deal with it.
Do I need to hurt myself?
i shouldn't, but i need to. otherwise it'll be sometime else. what's the point in putting it off and just feeling worse and worse? i can't cope with all this, i wish i wasn't here.