before
Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 4:57 am
1) how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? It won't. All the mail we sent her this week won't magically appear in her barracks, and it will still be my fault.
2) what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring a kind of perverse satisfaction--I screwed up, I deserve to be punished. It will take away the 8 weeks I've got going, and the excitement I've been building up about Friday being 2 months.
3) how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to not feel guilty for messing up my friend's address when I know how badly she wanted mail. Doing something I don't want to do (SI) will only increase the guilt.
4) if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The relief would probably last until I heard she'd gotten mail... and then I would kick myself--why couldn't I have waited a few days? At that point... yeah, I might do it again. Just to punish myself for being weak enough to do it this time.
5) what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? Unfortunately, nothing can change the situation I'm in. I can't call her and ask if she's gotten any of my letters, I just have to wait for the postal service. I can try thinking about other things though instead of how much I messed up and how bad she might be feeling, wondering why she hasn't gotten any mail.
6) how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Tomorrow? Probably still numb and angry. In a few days? Regretful... maybe. If I do the other thing I came up with... I'm really not sure. I don't know if it'll make me feel better or not, I'm really really upset with myself right now.
7) what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? What do I really want to do... I want something chocolate. Lots and lots of it. I can't eat a whole lot at a time though or I just feel blech. And I want to cut, quite badly. (To clarify, I want it badly.) And I want... I want to talk to my friend and apologize and hear her say she doesn't hate me for screwing up, even though I know she doesn't and she'd be upset if she knew I thought she might. That's what I really, truly want more than anything.
Instead of all that though, I feel like I'm waiting for my parents to go to bed so I can cut without them knowing about it.
2) what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? It will bring a kind of perverse satisfaction--I screwed up, I deserve to be punished. It will take away the 8 weeks I've got going, and the excitement I've been building up about Friday being 2 months.
3) how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way? I want to not feel guilty for messing up my friend's address when I know how badly she wanted mail. Doing something I don't want to do (SI) will only increase the guilt.
4) if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? The relief would probably last until I heard she'd gotten mail... and then I would kick myself--why couldn't I have waited a few days? At that point... yeah, I might do it again. Just to punish myself for being weak enough to do it this time.
5) what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? Unfortunately, nothing can change the situation I'm in. I can't call her and ask if she's gotten any of my letters, I just have to wait for the postal service. I can try thinking about other things though instead of how much I messed up and how bad she might be feeling, wondering why she hasn't gotten any mail.
6) how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with? Tomorrow? Probably still numb and angry. In a few days? Regretful... maybe. If I do the other thing I came up with... I'm really not sure. I don't know if it'll make me feel better or not, I'm really really upset with myself right now.
7) what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now? What do I really want to do... I want something chocolate. Lots and lots of it. I can't eat a whole lot at a time though or I just feel blech. And I want to cut, quite badly. (To clarify, I want it badly.) And I want... I want to talk to my friend and apologize and hear her say she doesn't hate me for screwing up, even though I know she doesn't and she'd be upset if she knew I thought she might. That's what I really, truly want more than anything.
Instead of all that though, I feel like I'm waiting for my parents to go to bed so I can cut without them knowing about it.