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#1 how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself? I'd be punishing my body for letting me down, and I'd feel release and relief at letting out some of this rage and sorrow.

#2 what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?I'd feel calmer and more in control. My husband would be terribly disappointed in me.

#3 how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?I'd like for tonight's incident to be a temporary meltdown. I don't want to give up on recovery, not really. Hurting myself wouldn't help with that.

#4 if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?I don't know how long it'd last. It's been so long since I've hurt myself that I don't know what it'd be like. If it wore off too soon, I'd probably just end up SIing again to try and get more relief.

#5 what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?I texted my husband and asked him to come home. I'm filling this out. I wrote in Place and posted on Main. I'm listening to pissy music. I took my AP a few hours early to try and quell the urges. I'm hoping that the urges just pass.

#6 how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?I'll be furious at myself for failing. I'd want to walk away from recovery. I'd be crushed at how disappointed Jason would be in me for doing it. If I don't do it, I'll hopefully feel strong and in control. I'd feel proud of myself (maybe) for getting through this without SI.

#7 what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?I want to be okay without fucking myself up. I think I've done everything I can think of to not hurt myself. I'll stay away from potential tools and talk things out with Jason when he gets home. Maybe take a bath after taking my razor out of the room.

It sounds like you used some really good coping mechanisms to help get you through

Chimera wrote:I'm hoping that the urges just pass.

Do you (or did you) actually know at the time that things will pass ?

Chimera wrote: #7 what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?I want to be okay without fucking myself up. I think I've done everything I can think of to not hurt myself. I'll stay away from potential tools and talk things out with Jason when he gets home. Maybe take a bath after taking my razor out of the room.

I agree with mallie, you're thinking pretty clearly here. Or perhaps you're thinking clearly despite how frantically your brain is working. Taking a bath is a great idea; just get the razor out of the room, put on some relaxing music if you like it, and soak.

Chimera wrote:If it wore off too soon, I'd probably just end up SIing again to try and get more relief.

I think this is an important point. Once more is rarely enough. It might be just one slip, but equally it might lead to more and more slips. I get the impression that your recovery is important to you, something you're proud of. Don't put that at risk. Get through tonight, and the next one and the next, just keep going. Keep moving forward. Si'ing now would be a step backwards, you deserve better than that.

I hope you're feeling better by the tim eyou read this.

Thanks for the replies. I did manage to make it through okay in the end.

Mallie: Sometimes the urges do just go away if I can give it enough time. It's usually the first few hours after the initial incident that are the worst. If I can ride that part out, I usually feel better.

cb_47: I was pretty clear ways to stay safe last night. Sometimes I get triggered by something and the next thing I know, I've gone and hurt myself. But last night for some reason I was able to work out rational, smart steps to take to keep myself safe.

pretty: I definitely have a tendency to throw my hands up on getting better after a slip. It's a real temptation for me to think, "Well, I blew that. I failed. I may as well just walk away now and keep on doing it." I'm really really glad that I was able to find better ways to deal with the urges last night.

Thank you all again. It means a lot that you took the time to say something.

Jessica

Chimera wrote:Thanks for the replies. I did manage to make it
cb_47: I was pretty clear ways to stay safe last night. Sometimes I get triggered by something and the next thing I know, I've gone and hurt myself. But last night for some reason I was able to work out rational, smart steps to take to keep myself safe.

pretty: I definitely have a tendency to throw my hands up on getting better after a slip. It's a real temptation for me to think, "Well, I blew that. I failed. I may as well just walk away now and keep on doing it." I'm really really glad that I was able to find better ways to deal with the urges last night.

So glad you made it! I know what you mean on both of these... a big part of making it 8 weeks for me has been to stop the automatic response, to make myself think about what I'm doing and think about ways to stop. It's encouraging to me to know that this is something that will keep getting easier. And I too am the type to just say, "Well, I screwed up. What's one more?" It's like the Shel Silverstein poem about the crocodile at the dentist--"what's what crocodile tooth, more or less?"

I'm glad