bus

*Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't know, I feel an intense self-hatred at the moment -- I ate too much, but I hate throwing up and don't really want to do that . . . at the same time I do . I feel like SI would almost be a lesser of the two 'evils' because it makes me feel better than purging . . . I just feel gross and fat and disgusting and like a stupid failure . . . I feel like I'm at a wall, a dead end, no where to go, I'd like to SU, but I'm kind of too tired to really think seriously about drawing up a plan . . . I guess I just feel like SI would be better than anything else I'll do . . . I'm also stressed out about my parents and their pressuring me to do something and pretty much "get over" my debilitating depression, I told them I'd volunteer somewhere, to get them off my back, and now I feel stressed that I'm going to have to do something and I don't know if I can handle it . . . arrrrrrgggg!!

* Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes, and I always end up doing it . . . giving in . . . I just don't feel like I have the energy to battle the urge . . . I'll try to do what I always do in the evening, pull out/dig out hair from my legs with sharp tweezers -- doesn't 'really' hurt, and it's satisfying, just sometimes it's not enough, but we'll see, I guess

* What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I just keep dwelling -- I can't get it out of my head! argh! I try to keep myself occupied, watching TV, but it's not enough -- I keep biting my nails and the skin around them, but there's nothing left to bite -- I ate dinner, and I'm full, but I keep thinking eating will help keep me occupied, but then the "I'm so f*cking FAT!" comes up again! I don't know . . . what can I do? Take a bunch of sleeping pills and drug myself to sleep, but will it work fast enough? I don't know . . .

* How do I feel right now?
shitty, overwhelmed, anxious, drained, full, exhausted, SUish, urgy, alone, dead-ended/trapped/no way out . . . everything utterly horrible!

* How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
relieved, in pain, my mind will be forced to concentrate on something other than my own pitiful self, it will hurt, deserving hurt . . .

* How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I don't know, relieved in a way? in physical pain, guilty for giving in, annoyed that I did it AGAIN, my T will probably be annoyed with me b/c I keep doing it, she probably thinks it's stupid that I can't stop, but that's not fair, -- that's actually what I think . . . *sigh* I feel like such an obnoxious BURDEN!!! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! sorry . . .

* Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know, any suggestions? how to avoid hating myself? I can't imagine it actually . . .

* Do I need to hurt myself?
No I never *need* to SI, I just want to , in order to avoid everything else that runs around in a tangled mess inside my head . . . it's an avoidance mechanism, I recognize that, I just sometimes feel so weak and incapable of facing myself and what I'm thinking . . . and feeling . . .

taking a bunch of sleeping pills *will* hurt you.

none of the self-destructive options will change how much you ate... or cause your parents to stop pressuring you.
i'm sure you know that though

would it be an option to attempt to explain how much you feel pressured to do things? to work out some kind of compromise... that would involve you doing *something* yet not so much as you feel pushed into doing?

imo volunteering can be a really good thing.
at the same time i know that personally often the more i feel pressured into doing something the less willing i am to actually do it.

what could you do to help find ways to deal with stress?

sometimes it's not possible to feel 'better'. at least not in an 'i want to feel better NOW' way. sometimes it's a matter of hanging in until the feeling passes a bit.
what could you do to distract? have you checked the list on the coping board?

sorry you're feeling so badly atm

thanks plantt for the reply . . . I know those things aren't exactly helpful for me to do, I guess I just need to do something self-destructive so I kind of go about ranking the lesser of the destructions, which I know is stupid . . . I've tried talking to my parents about it, but they don't hear me -- they think I don't know how to help myself, and that I need pressure even if I don't think I want it . . . I've been talking to my T about it, though, and we are setting up a family session next week for my parents to get all the questions hopefully out of their systems . . .
I think I'm going to take a hot hot shower and just stand under the hard water until I'm too tired, or run out of hot water . . . maybe that'll work . . .
-e

is good that you're going to discuss it with t... hopefully that'll be helpful

*nods* i know how it can turn into a 'well i'm going to do one of these things anyhow so which is the least harmful'. too often i've used that as a way to 'convince' myself that it's an ok thing... since of course if it's going to happen then it's going to happen...
not exactly logical. is a very appealing way to think when the easiest way out is to hurt yourself.

taking a shower sounds like a better use of time than doing something that'll hurt you
what are a couple things you could do after the shower?

hang in there sounds really tough atm

well, I took a shower -- let the water hit me for a while . . . then did the hair-pulling thing I know, not good, but it occupies me . . . then I pet my kitten for a while -- ah, to live life as a kitten, that'd be nice . . . but I didn't SI!! feeling a little less urgy now, Thanks for everything,
-e

It just struck me that all of the 'coping' things you mentioned are just aiming to divert your thoughts away from SI and the emotions, rather than expressing them/letting yourself feel them in a non harmful way. Maybe you could have a look at the coping list and see if you can find some that provide more than a diversion? Such as journalling/painting/screaming/etc. I don't know, it just seems that as long as you're just diverting the feelings, they're not going to do anything but be pushed back for a bit, and unless you get them out in some other way, they'll still be there waiting to be expressed.

Andi x