after

[shadow of a smile]

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
yes, i'm completely safe and taken care of.

what had happened just before?
i missed my class this morning and was feeling really overwhelmed by all the stuff i had to do. i had to eat cereal for lunch b/c there was nothing i liked (not a big deal, i know, but i tend to blow things out of proportion when i'm upset).

what were you thinking and feeling?
i was thinking about all the stuff that i had to do, and how i wasn't good enough to get everything done. i was really beating myself up about it, telling myself how worthless i am and that i'm a failure. i never do that to myself, it was a strange feeling.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
i don't remember a final straw event....my brain is kind of fuzzy...i've just been fighting for a long time. fighting so hard. it just got to the point that i couldn't handle it. and having self hate problems for pretty much the first time ever didn't help any. i guess that was the big thing today. i felt i needed to punish myself for not being good enough.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i'm not sure what i could have done differently. i have been working on my list of things to do and accomplishing what i can, it just didn't seem to be enough. i just felt worthless. i started beating myself up about it. not a good idea. i know. but it's not something i conciously decided to do, i didn't say "i'm going to start hating myself now", it's just something that happened.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
absolutely. i've been off my meds since sunday. i decided i didn't want to take them any more. but i know that's a stupid idea. in the future, i'll make sure i'm taking them. and have other people make sure i'm taking them too, if i need them to. i'll ask for help.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
well i've been fighting all week. i've tried working out, talking to people, posting here and in my place, going to the games forum, tackling some of the stuff i needed to get done. and that stuff helped a little i guess, but mostly all it did was put it off. it didn't actually make me feel better, just delayed the cutting. not even being productive helped. you'd think that since i'm feeling so overwhelmed, getting stuff done would help that. but for some reason, it didn't. i'm not sure why.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
being with my roommate helped. she knows about me, we don't usually talk about it tho. but just being around her is good, b/c she can tell if i'm having a rough time and make me laugh. but i can't always be with her, and i don't always want to. i sometimes just want to be alone, which is fine, unless i'm really nuts.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
well school's almost over and after that we won't be roomie's. but i'll try to continue to be around people if i need to.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it's not resolved, but it feels much more doable. i called my mom afterwards and she was very supportive, and told me that i didn't have to get everything done. it was okay, that i didn't have to do summer school. that i might need a break. and that was okay.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes, there will always be things that get me stressed and make me overwhelmed. hopefully i'll be able to put things in perspective tho, and know myself. and not have to get everything done.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. call my mom BEFORE instead of after
2. sit back and see what is not that important, and see if i can take some of it out
3. try to relax and get stuff done, but not freak out if i can't get to it all. just b/c i have to take meds, and just b/c i feel overwhelmed, does NOT make me a failure.


i feel so much better after talking to my mom. i really do.

[Wandering]

Hey. I'm sorry you didn't make it. But well done for making it to 69 days - that's brilliant, and you should focus on how strong you were for making it that long.

i've been off my meds since sunday. i decided i didn't want to take them any more. but i know that's a stupid idea. in the future, i'll make sure i'm taking them. and have other people make sure i'm taking them too, if i need them to.

Its good that you've identified that - until you identify a problem you can't solve it.

but mostly all it did was put it off. it didn't actually make me feel better, just delayed the cutting.

I know it can seem that way. But I found when I had just started the whole 'trying to quit' thing, that it did actually get me somewhere. The longer I managed to put it off, the less of an immediate option it actually became. Maybe thats just me. But try not to get too disheartened, because each day you 'put it off' is another day you've replaced that coping method with other ones (even if they don't make you feel much better). And gradually you do learn that those other things are an alternative option to SI. Maybe try keeping a record of all the things you try, and which have the most beneficial effect?

it's not resolved, but it feels much more doable

Could you plan for the next time you're in a stressful situation, with lots to do, so when you find yourself there, you feel more able to deal with it? Breaking it down into small tasks, and ticking off each as you do it can help, as you are making visible progress. And make sure you give yourself breaks in between the work too - you do need some time to relax even if you feel you have so much to do that you need to work 24/7

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
1. call my mom BEFORE instead of after
2. sit back and see what is not that important, and see if i can take some of it out
3. try to relax and get stuff done, but not freak out if i can't get to it all. just b/c i have to take meds, and just b/c i feel overwhelmed, does NOT make me a failure

Great - its good you've thought of some things to do! No. 1 is def a good one! For no. 2 and 3, can you think of something more specific that will help you achieve them? It's just I find it easier if I have a certain thing to do rather than a general aim (maybe thats just me?!) For example, maybe to help prioritise things, you'll write down everything you need to do, then order them by importance.

And maybe stick yourself up some notes telling yourself that you aren't a failure, and saying positive things about yourself, so you can see them when you're feeling down/stressed.

Hope you might be able to find something helpful in all my ramblings

Andi x

[shadow of a smile]

But try not to get too disheartened, because each day you 'put it off' is another day you've replaced that coping method with other ones (even if they don't make you feel much better). And gradually you do learn that those other things are an alternative option to SI. Maybe try keeping a record of all the things you try, and which have the most beneficial effect?

that's a good idea. sounds like something i need to start doing. i'm glad you said that even putting it off is progress. it doesn't always feel that way, but at least it's something. i made 70 days of progress. that's a nice way to look at it.

Breaking it down into small tasks, and ticking off each as you do it can help, as you are making visible progress.

another good idea. i'll do that. i think it will help me with my finals studying. and also with preparing for my mexico trip. sometimes tho, seeing all that stuff written down makes me freak out about it even more and think i couldn't possibly get it all done. but on the other hand, when i don't write it down i tend to forget what all i'm supposed to do.

For no. 2 and 3, can you think of something more specific that will help you achieve them? It's just I find it easier if I have a certain thing to do rather than a general aim (maybe thats just me?!) For example, maybe to help prioritise things, you'll write down everything you need to do, then order them by importance.

i'll give the list making a try, and order things like you said. i'm also going to write down the good things my mom said about me so i won't forget them. about how she doesn't think any less of me just b/c i have to take meds, and she's proud of me, etc. good stuff that i don't need to forget. i'll put it somewhere i can see it, and start finding other reasons for myself of how i'm not a failure.

thanks for those ideas, they're awesome.

[silenceBROKEN]

i usually don't have a hard time replying to these, but i'll try.

i think that although it is a shame that you did injure, you learned a lot from it. and to me, that means a lot.

i know i didn't write much, and i'm sorry but i am sending warm, comforting thoughts. please take gentle care of yourself.