bus

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i don't know that i am trying to change the situation, itself, but rather how i feel at the moment. i guess the focus will turn away from the situation to something else.


2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring some unwanted results, but also, it will take my attention away from what is going on.


3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel like i was strong and handled the situation well. and i'll look like i did outwardly. sometimes that is just as important--a lot of the time to be exact--in my opinion. i guess this goes to show my attitude towards sparing people from suffering, or trying to do just that.


4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it seems like the only option. after going so long without hurting myself, its like some sort fo sick reunion and i'm feeling dependent once again. the relief will be comforting for a couple hours, and at this point, i probably will hurt myself again. god that hurts to even say after having gone so long without mistreating myself.


5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
talk to someone, but i'm such an akward person. i tried--i did--but i went and sat with my friend and the words just won't come in those situations. i'll sit there thinking, "one, two, three go . . . talk" and i will just sit there in silence. usually, unless the person really knows me well, they don't even know something is up. if i told someone about the situation i was in, then i wouldn't feel so alone or isolated. that would probably help, because i think those feelings often lead me into situations where i want to hurt myself.


6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i'll feel fine tomorrow if i hurt myself, but vulnerable and embarrassed if i talk to someone.


7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
what do i want to do? ideally, automatically feel better. since that is impossible, i'd like to talk to someone. but it is 1 am and not many people would probably put up with my shit for very long. especially since it takes me so long to get to talking.

Hey there

Instead of actually talking, maybe you could write it down in a letter/email? That way you aren't under pressure to make that first comment (I know how hard that is), and you can think about each thing you want to say. When you've written it, you also have the choice to revise it, and don't even have to give it to anyone if you don't want to. I've found thats a good way to get some of my feelings out - and they tend to look less scary once they're down on paper.

i don't know that i am trying to change the situation, itself, but rather how i feel at the moment.

Can you think of any other ways to change how you're feeling? Do you even know what you're feeling? For example, if you're angry, maybe try some physical exertion or something, or if you're upset, have a long bath. I think there's a list either on coping or in sourcebook that gives suggestions of coping techniques for different emotions. If you're mainly wanting to SI to change the feeling, then maybe that's somewhere to start, although eventually you're really gonna have to look at the underlying cause.

Take care of you, and well done for managing not to SI for a bit!
Andi x