my first publicly posted before....

[shadow of a smile]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i don't know...it may not change at all. i'm not even sure why i want to cut. i guess i'm just feeling overwhelmed. and i did take care of stuff i needed to do. but i'm still not done. i was hoping making a good start would help me to quit stressing out and just be able to know that i'll get it all done and everything will be fine. but i'm still stressed. and the only way i know to relieve that stress is to cut.


what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring me calm. i'll be able to "rest easy". it will take away my stress and rapid thoughts and freaking-out-ness. but, on the other hand, in the long run it will bring added complications and guilt. and take away my feeling of being in control.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to feel like i accomplished everything that i needed to get done. and i think that it will help. it will help me get rid of my panic about deadlines and focus in on what i need to get done. if it helps the situation, why is it wrong? i know, b/c it's a "bad coping mechanism" and i'm trying so hard to stop. but that's in the long run. RIGHT NOW it would be helpful. RIGHT NOW is what is most important. and, in the long run, i don't think that one slip up will really make that much difference.


if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
i'm not sure how long it will last. hopefully a couple days. then, i will be a lot closer to having everything completed that i need to have done this week. and then i can cut thru finals week if i need to. either way, i think it's worth cutting if it helps me get the studying and work and scholarship stuff i need to do done. this stuff isn't something i can just relax about and hope it goes away. this is stuff that HAS to be done.


what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could call my bf, but i don't want to tell him. i hardly ever do, it doesn't help. and it won't last long. i just feel like i've avoided it as long as i can. i worked out, i got stuff done, i called my parents (just to talk), i've chilled with my roommate, watched tv, been on BUS. it's not helping.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
tomorrow, i don't know. it may not ever bother me. but i'm sure that after a few days it will. if i cut. but if i don't, i won't care. after i get all my stuff taken care of i won't care that i was freaking out like this, i'll just think it was a stupid thing to do and i'll be ashamed of myself. so either way, i won't feel good about it.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
right now i really just want to feel better. i've been struggling with urges for so long...today is day 69. and i know everyone on BUS knows how hard it can be to just get thru 1 day. and when i multiply that times 69...that's a lot of urges/triggers etc. it just seems like it grows exponentially everytime i resist cutting. the next urge is so much stronger. but at the same time, i know that i contradicted myself in this post. i said i was getting my stuff taken care of already, at least as much as i could tonight, and i haven't cut yet. so really i don't need to cut in order to accomplish things (at least not today) but later i said it would be worth cutting if it meant that i got my stuff taken care of. i'm just so all over the place with my thoughts, i can't even write to where i make any sense. or even make sense in my own head. i guess the main thing is I WANT TO CUT. i'm not sure why. i tried to work it out during this post. but i still want to. sometimes i hate myself. alright, i don't know why i just wrote that since i usually don't have any major self-esteem/self-hate problems. i guess at times like these i just get frustrated and don't understand myself. anyway, that was a long ramble. i think i'm done.

[plantt]

that's something i struggle with as well... getting *some* stuff done... but knowing that some stuff didn't get done. i'm very good & all practiced up at pushing myself to get more done. i'm not too good at accepting that sometimes things don't go how i'd like or expect them to. that me not living up to my own expectations isn't really the end of the world. even though my thoughts can spiral till i believe it.

how do you usually cope with stress? what are some things you could start practicing to help you deal with stress?

i don't think that one slip up will really make that much difference

one huge difference it makes is that it makes it just that much easier to do it again... & again... & again... & also like you said you'd end up feeling ashamed of having done it. & if you don't si then eventually this stuff isn't going to matter so much...

urges are hard. incredibly so. especially when they seem to hang around & not get easier.
i believe that eventually they will lessen.

i'm sorry it's so tough for you atm

[shadow of a smile]

plantt, thank you for your reply.

i'm not too good at accepting that sometimes things don't go how i'd like or expect them to. that me not living up to my own expectations isn't really the end of the world. even though my thoughts can spiral till i believe it.

that's exactly how it is for me. you put that very nicely.

how do you usually cope with stress? what are some things you could start practicing to help you deal with stress?

that's a good question...i honestly don't know how i usually deal with stress. it seems like stress always gets me triggered, i just usually don't act on it (lately). so my stress doesn't leave, i just try to deal with it and get stuff done anyway. a lot of times i end up waiting til the last minute to get stuff done. i stress and stress and stress about it, then finally do it right before the deadline and it ends up being fine. makes you wonder why i don't just do it in the first place, instead of doing all that useless stressing. one thing i need to start doing better is making lists. i do everyonce in a while, but not in an organized enough way. i need to start prioritizing and all that...

one huge difference it makes is that it makes it just that much easier to do it again... & again... & again...

another good point. and now that i've slipped, i'm going to have to work hard to make sure that doesn't happen. but i'll do my best...i'm not too confident in my ability to resist, but i can be pretty stubborn about some things so hopefully that will see me thru. who knew stubbornness could be a good thing?

you gave me lots to think about, thank you so much for replying.
-emily