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Question: (expanded version)
I have a new therapist... and concerning SI, she doesnt feel its anything major. She doesnt even bring up the topic. even if i just told her about 20 bad things that happened on one week. I so badly want to run away from lifes pains by numbing it out- not caring how much or how often it requires. Partly cuz she doesnt really care- which feels like shes giving me permission. And cuz i want to prove to her that its a big deal. ... wait... proving something like this to my therapist? that sounds backwards... *sigh* ... shes been practicing for a long time... its odd she reacts the way she does... but... i want to SI! if i can use my "drug" of choice to get my quick fix... then why not??
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whats stressing me out tonight is my mom being so very bad into depression her T has given her the options of Electric Shock Therapy or Inpatient Care (shes donetwice before and walked out on it), or anphetimines (uppers). Shes already completey changed from the wonderful fun-loving person she used to be... and its looking like thats never going to come back. She can barely function in life. My entire family consists of me mom and brother. thats IT! Shes all i have... yet i dont know that i ever had her for very long. Just a few years after she got over the divorce and ended when the depression got bad. Yet I cried so hard..and it took me to the point of SI. WHy does it drive me so far down? Yes i love her to DEATH, literally, i will die if she dies. Yes she is all I have. But shes been "dead" emotionally for months now. I dont know... everything is so overwhelming and confusing and frustrating!!!
Help!

~~Elizabeth~~

You may need to talk to your T about this. I don't know her and I don't know why she is doing the things she does, but she probably has a reason of some kind. She may be wanting to focus on the internal part of why you SI rather than the outer part. Or maybe she feels it is attention seeking behavior (not saying that it would be for you...she might just think that) and that by not giving it attention, it will fade. Or maybe she is just trying to stay calm so you feel you can tell her things without having her freak out. There are tons of possible reasons, but I really doubt that she would want to be giving "permission" for you to SI and I am sure she doesn't mean to make the problem worse.
However, if her actions are doing that, you need to let her know. She may be able to help you work through those feelings...it also sounds like you feel she isn't taking your problems seriously enough? If so, that would also be helpful for her to know. She can change her approach if it is not working...but not if she doesn't know there is a problem. If you need her to ask about it or if you want help stopping, make that really clear to her. I know my T asks about things, but he has not pushed me to stop...I think he knows it is harder than it seems and he wants to make sure I am ready (have coping skills and support) first.
If you talk to her about it and she still isn't helping, is there another T you could work with?

i want to SI! if i can use my "drug" of choice to get my quick fix... then why not??

Another question...please don't be offended...if you are looking to her reaction to determine if you should stop or not, do you really want to stop? Is this a decision you have made for yourself or is it something you feel others would want? Or are you just having a hard time and losing some of your motivatation?
It does sound like you are under a tremendous amount of stress and that things are really hard right now. However, I am concerned about some of your comments...

Yes i love her to DEATH, literally, i will die if she dies. Yes she is all I have.

I understand that you are in a hard place. I understand that you are hurting a lot...this may be the pain talking. But your life is not dependent on your mothers...right now you may have no one else. But that doesn't mean it will always be that way. You have a life ahead of you, with friends and family in it. Although it would be very very hard, you CAN go on, even without your mom. I hope you don't have to. I hope she gets better. But you are not her. You are a seperate person, and your life will follow a seperate course. Even if she does great, eventually, you will be leading your own life.
I don't know how you are taking some of this...Again, I understand you are in a lot of pain right now. It is probably very hard to see a way to go on. But I think it is important that you think through some of the things you are saying...you may find that you are stronger than you think you are and that there is more hope for your future than you can see at this moment.
I don't know if all of this really makes sense. I hope you can hear that I really care about what you are going through...I know I have been a bit "challenging" but it is because I want to help. Feel free to ask questions or PM me if something doesn't make sense.
Keep holding on...you can make it.

its odd she reacts the way she does...

i don't find it odd. the fact is some people(including therapists) don't see it as a big deal. there's a wide range of reactions given to si..

cuz i want to prove to her that its a big deal. ... wait... proving something like this to my therapist?

that is a really problematic way of thinking... as i'm sure you know.

if i can use my "drug" of choice to get my quick fix... then why not??

why not?

other than the si response... do you find your therapist helpful? did you ever get replies back from the other places you called? have you directly discussed your own view of si with your therapist?

WHy does it drive me so far down?

because you love her...

have you & your brother discussed what's going on with your mom?

how's going to the gym been going?
hang in there

Thanks for the replies.
Nobodytoyou, i wasnt offended with anything you said... i think you are right on track. You asked about my motivaiton to stop.. well, it kinda has always been , because no one wants me to SI . and i think a part of that is the young rebellious me - saying if she didnt EXACTLY not to, then that means i can do it. i dont think i care about MYSELF enough to do it for ME, to make a healthier me. everyone around me has been having bad problems since they can first remember. i dont have any motivation f2f. Do healthy people exist??
now, i didnt SI that night..but i did later cuz i was in the car and got into a disagreement with my mom- i had no where to run or get away. About being a seperate person from her... i think in a lot of ways i am.. but when it comes to the heart, i'm totally connected and i dont understand how that can ever change.

Plantt- you asked if my T was helpful- i've seen her 3 times now... and i think she'll be helpful.. we are still trying to figure out WHAT to work on.. that will not cause too much stress that it interferes with my job. I did call one other T on my list, and they were not taking new patients. I have not talked to my brother about my mom. My brother and I dont really talk. Not because we dont like each other, it just doesnt happen. And the gym.. heh... i did make it a few days ago... thats ONCE out of the whole year so far that I"ve gone. I have to schedule it in , inorder for me to go, and it has to be like the night before, or else i'll forget or decide to not get up. I'm just too exausted to go after work.

Again, thanks so much for the replies!

~Elizabeth~

i'm wondering if it'd help to just be extremely clear with her... that si has been an issue in the past... that moving back home has really caused it to be an issue again... that her response to it is clashing with your ways of thinking...

also... i'm wondering if talking with your brother about your mom... might help even just for you to know that you're not alone. that you're not the only one concerned about your mom. my older brother & i have a really sporadic relationship. & he's far more open about things than i am(especially due to his own view on life & how that ends up with me feeling but that's another story ). i've found... that even so it can be helpful for me to know that how i see certain things about my family... isn't just 'my' view. that often my parents view is the most screwed up one... not mine. it can help for me to realize that my brother sees things similarly to how i do in regards to certain aspects of my family.

what's your gym schedule for this week?