bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I don't know. I just want to. Don't really know why or what brought me to this point...I know there are feelings I haven't been dealing with for the past several days, but I am not feeling anything right now. However, I am gritting my teeth and my head hurts, and I keep thinking about SI.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I have, but I cut to deal with it. I don't remember exactly how I felt then...I probably didn't identify it well enough at the time to remember it now.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have done a TON of things to delay and distract. I have done homework, took a walk, went shopping, called my family, played computer, watched a movie, watched tv, surfed the internet, and now I am doing this. But nothing has changed, and I am still in the same place I was before.

How do I feel right now?
I don't know. Don't really feel anything that I can identify.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I don't know. I may still feel nothing. But I want to.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Again, I don't know. This isn't helping very much. I may not feel much of anything tonight. If I feel anything tomorrow, I might be disappointed in myself or I might be more relaxed. I can't really predict it.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't know how...I am here because I have been avoiding other stressors and trying not to get overwhelmed. Now I can't feel at all. I will talk to my T about it on Monday, but I have to figure out how to handle it between now and then.

Do I need to hurt myself?
no...we will see if I can keep delaying it. I am getting really tired of trying to resist this...I have been delaying since about noon yesterday. Wow...that is a very long time for me. Maybe I am doing better than I thought I was. Probably not feeling is the reason I have lasted so long.

Hi

Do you know what you'd be trying to acheive through SI? Is there a particular feeling you're aiming for? If so, maybe look at the lists of coping strategies (I think some are grouped into 'feelings' categories) and see if you can acheive that without SI. If its just one of those unexplainable urges, maybe try focussing on how long you've managed so far - give yourself managable targets, and then when you reach that one, reward yourself somehow but also set yourself another target. Urges are horrible, but they do pass eventually - you're doing great, so see how long you can stick it out!

Take care
Andi

I hope you are able to keep from hurting yourself today and get some help from your T tomorow. Perhaps you could try going through the other set of questions? Sometimes I find that if one set doesn't do much for me the other is more helpful.

I cut just a little tonight...I really want to do more. I felt real and alive when I did it...it didn't last, I am back to feeling flat. I don't feel guilty, which is unusual, but fits well with the lack of feeling from the past couple days. I don't know...
I want to feel alive. I want to feel "real" but I can't describe exactly what that is and I don't have any other things to make me feel that way.
On the other hand, I went a LONG time this weekend without cutting...more than 24 hours. For me, that is HUGE, even though I know it doesn't sound like it. The whole weekend has been a victory in some ways because I have tried so many other things before I cut...It just wasn't enough.
I wish I could feel sad, or proud of myself, or angry, or really anything but flat.

Have you ever tried the thing where you hold onto an ice cube? That gives the pain sensation (thus feeling something if that is what you are craving) without doing damage to you. I find it sometimes helps when I am just feeling numb.

Have you ever tried writing out exactly what is going on, like, in a journal of some type? Even if you dont have anything causing you to write, other than just feeling flat. I know that sometimes when I feel that way, it helps to write it out, just for the fact that I am getting it out. I dont know how well that will work for you.

The whole weekend has been a victory in some ways because I have tried so many other things before I cut...It just wasn't enough.

But at least you tried, even if it didn't work in the end. I would suggest you record how well you've done - managing 24hrs+ when you don't usually is a great achievement, and maybe being able to look back at that will encourage you in the future.

Take care
Andi