Before

[NobodyToYou]

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I am upset and tired. Today has not been a hard day, but I am triggered because of something that happened this afternoon. J got a phone call about his house, that the landlady may try to terminate the lease early. So he is trying to figure out if his family can move earlier and how that could happen if the landlady actually does it. This upset me for a couple different reasons. First, because I don’t want them to leave. I know they have to eventually, but I want them to move away when I do. Even with this, it wouldn’t be such a big deal except that it is pulling stuff from the past up. I am feeling like I did when the L family left, and that hurt a lot. That was when things in my life really started going downhill. Even though I am not as close to J’s family, I don’t want to feel that way again. My second reason for being upset is also stuff being brought up from the past. Hearing J’s situation makes me think of my situation when I had to move suddenly. It was so stressful and I was so upset. I felt like I had an impossible situation to handle and I realized how very alone I am here. I felt like I didn’t have anybody to lean on and my world was coming apart. It was around that time that I started cutting. This shouldn’t bother me so much because I got through it and everything is ok now. Even with J, I am a lot more upset than he is. I think I am glad I can identify why I am so upset, but I don’t know what to do with it.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes and no. I have had these feelings before, but I didn’t handle them well. I don’t know how long they will last or what to do with them right now, since I know they are coming from the past. There is nothing happening right now that should be this distressing.

3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I have eaten something. I am writing this. I have tried getting away from the upsetting situation (but I can’t seem to leave my thoughts). I worked on my homework. As far as what else to do…I can watch TV until I need to go to class. I can try to take a nap or rest.

4. How do I feel right now?
I feel confused, agitated, upset. I feel kinda numb and tired. I feel…I don’t know.

5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I would feel calm. I would have a way to let the feeling of distress out. It will hurt, but not too much.

6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I would have some physical pain to help me concentrate during class. On the other hand, I am more likely to be disappointed with myself tomorrow and feel like I failed, especially because I would be cutting in response to an “imaginary” threat. My security isn’t in question. I am not in any danger. These feelings are just ghosts. They can’t really hurt me and they shouldn’t really matter so much. On the other hand, I may feel better, because holding this in could be really hard and it isn’t leaving my mind. What if I dream about it or can’t sleep tonight from this? Then I will feel worse for not taking care of the problem, even if that means cutting.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can’t avoid this one. It came as a total surprise. I hope I learn how to handle it better in the future, but I don’t know how yet. I haven’t figured out how to handle it now.

8. Do I need to hurt myself?
Not yet at least…I don’t know how upset I will be later, but right now I can cope. I can keep going for the next few minutes without SI. I am going to try the 15 minute game and see if I can last until after class tonight.

[NobodyToYou]

Wow, I am triggering so bad...only 5 or 10 more minutes and I can leave for class. I can do this...
This is so hard. I can feel where I want the cuts to be. I can "feel" the tools...I know where they are without looking. I don't know that this really fits on this forum, but I am trying to fill time so I can make it to class without SIing first.
Right now I am feeling...anxious. Torn. Jittery. distracted. unfocused.
I don't know. The triggering feeling is getting more intense instead of better. I thought if I distracted myself it would get better, but it is not, it is getting worse. I know I can get through this. I know I don't "have to" cut. But I want it so badly right now. I don't know if I will make it...5 more minutes. Just 5 more minutes. I can make it that long.
Breathing. Focus on breathing. Think about something pretty, something nice.
I think I can make it. I really want to...I would hate to have tried this hard and fail again.
Ok...going to stop my little stream of consciousness rambling. Gonna get ready for class. I can do this...

[NobodyToYou]

Ok, now it is time for an AFTER.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
Yes.

what had happened just before?
I got to class, sat through two presentations (half the class presented stuff this week, I am next week), wrote stuff in my notebook to try to let some of the feelings out. When we had a break I went to a restroom and cut.

what were you thinking and feeling?
Well, some of it is captured in the previous stuff. I was losing my ability to focus. I am not sure why I stayed upset for so long, since it was several hours and other than posting, I wasn't really thinking about the stuff that upset me. I couldn't stop thinking about cutting. I was feeling discouraged and unfocused and sorta lost.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Because I didn't think I could keep holding out. I was tired and unfocused and needed the ability to think again. And I was still pretty triggered...I don't know. I should have been able to fight it off, but I didn't.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I don't know. I guess knowing that I had a limited time where I could cut might have played a part...it was a "now or never" feeling, even though it would have just meant waiting until the end of class, that seemed forever. I guess I had decided to cut before we even got to the break, but I don't know when I actually made the choice. I guess I stopped fighting and it snuck up on me.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Haven't been sleeping good since I started taking an anti-depressant. I don't know if it is causing me extra problems or if things would still be like this.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
tried writing in my notebook (in code so people wouldn't know what I was writing), drawing some pictures, tried paying attention to the schoolwork.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I don't know. My options were pretty limited at that point, since I was in class. I guess I could have tried getting my rock out to see if it would help, but I don't think I was losing my grounding, so it might not have helped. I could have...I don't know. I am not sure.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I think I need to have goals. I managed to get to my goal of leaving for class...I guess I should have set a goal before I got to school of getting through class, rather than just hoping it would happen. On the other hand, I was getting so tired of trying...I think I need some more ways to cope.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I don't know. I feel better for the moment, but since the issue was my emotional "ghosts" showing up, I don't know if they are gone or hiding to come out later. I will probably hear more things tomorrow about my friend's situation and it may trigger me again.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
I will have these annoying thoughts and feelings from the past that won't go away.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
I will try to get out of the situation before I get so triggered.
I will remind myself that this is not my situation and that I am safe and the stress is not mine.
I will try to do something soothing...maybe if I am in class I can do something small that won't stand out, like play wiht my hair. That might help and it could keep my hands busy.

[Wandering]

Hey

I'm sorry you didn't make it, but well done for making it as long as you did - you put off cutting instead of choosing that immediately, and although you did end up resorting to it this time, maybe next time you won't. Just wanted to encourage you!

I think I need to have goals. I managed to get to my goal of leaving for class...I guess I should have set a goal before I got to school of getting through class, rather than just hoping it would happen. On the other hand, I was getting so tired of trying...I think I need some more ways to cope.

Those are good points. It seems to me that you understand (looking back at least) what you could maybe improve next time. Have you thought about rewarding yourself somehow for each goal you reach too?

The thing about getting tired of trying - I really relate to that. Maybe writing down examples of when you have made it through, so you can encourage yourself that you're making progress - I know it can seem like its pointless fighting because you're not getting anywhere, but when you look back at what progress you have made it can really help (thats what I've found anyway).

Another thing that came to mind when reading through your posts is it sounds like you're trying to tell yourself that the situation with J isn't your problem, and shouldn't affect you. However, it evidently is, so maybe there's some way you can express your feelings and emotions about it (such as drawing/writing) instead of supressing them

Take care of you
Andi