bus

I'm not feeling as urgy now, after getting home and taking care of some chores, but I still want to just answer some questions.

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

Talking about college issues ... where I should be going, where I am, where I want to be ... that gets to me every time. And there's just SO MUCH involved ... everything that bothers me about myself, everything that's important to me ... and then the stress of thinking I have to take care of a dozen different things while I'm in the middle of a semester ... and imagining transfering is not fun, not good. Cutting would make it all simple (in the short term, I know it wouldn't help with the underlying issues, but still...). Boil it down to the immediate here and now.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Been here before, and specifically about this issue. I've answered these questions, sometimes taken action on something related so I can feel like I've actually gotten something done. Sometimes cut, but the last time I got worked up over this particular question (granted it was a simpler situation) I avoided cutting.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I'm playing Yanni music (some of my favorite soothing music) and answering these questions ... I think I'll watch a movie when I'm done writing.

How do I feel right now?

Just a little sick. Nervous. Trying not to think about it (college issues).

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Well, right now I'm feeling less like I want to hurt myself, so I don't know ... I don't think it would be as good as I was imagining when I was at the store.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Disappointed. I'm trying to make two weeks, and also, not hurting myself for a decent period will make my parents feel better about letting me go to this summer program, and that's one of the school oriented issues that's bothering me right now ... I really want to go.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? Cannot avoid this stressor as long as I don't feel completely comfortable with what I'm doing education-wise. I don't think I can deal with it much better either (except by continuing to avoid cutting, like the last time). It's too major.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No, and I don't want to now, but I did earlier. Now I just feel blank. Will go watch that movie.

It sounds like you have a lot to think about, and that's overwhelming you. No fun, at all. I'm a huge fan of writing lists. When I feel like there's just too much going on and it starts to get on top of me, writing it all down really helps. Just putting it on paper and seeing what there is to do makes it seem less scary, less tangled and confusing and awful.

It's great that you answered the questions even though the urge is gone. It's all to easy to just ignore it once it's gone. Then it comes back and bites you on the ass.

I hope you enjoyed your movie

Thanks so much ... yeah, the lists ... I love lists, but the thing that always gets to me about college applications is that I can never make up the list. There's too much ... and everything has to be done before everything else ... it's just insane. But maybe I'll try harder to get some organization ...

With things like that, that are 'one offs', try to remember that there is an end in sight. Once they're done, it's over. It's not like more routine things that just need doing over and over again. If that makes sense.