before- looking for insight?

[NobodyToYou]

I answered these questions for myself yesterday, but I would like some feedback. I really don't understand myself very well right now. By the way, I didn't make it.

1. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point? I don’t really feel I “need” to, but I want to. I don’t really know why. I don’t feel that bad right now. Today has not been very stressful. I just don’t want to fight it…I know I would feel happier and more in control if I cut. I would feel stronger. I would feel more…justified. I think I am getting thrown off by the medication (I recently started taking Lexapro). Although I don’t “feel” that bad, somehow I know there are things under the surface. It is like the medication is hiding them. This is weird. I wanted to feel better. Why is it so bad that I do? I think I am also feeling more angry with myself. I am not really sure why…I just noticed that I am grouchy and if I sign, it consistently gets angry and agitated. I am also really wanting to binge, and I just purged. I don’t understand that either. I don’t know.

2. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then? Not in the same way…or maybe I have. I can’t really tell. I have cut for the fun of it before, not because I had to but because I knew it would make me feel better. I remember once I even felt “high” afterwards. Of course, it crashed later, but it was fun while it lasted.

3. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me? I am not uncomfortable, but I am trying some other things before I cut or purge again. I played computer games, have been watching TV, got on BUS (couldn’t think of what to post or what I need) and now I am doing these questions. I have also tried to do schoolwork, but it is really difficult right now. Hopefully writing this will help me focus. I know I could finish the paper tonight if I would just do it.

4. How do I feel right now? I don’t know. I hate not knowing, it is really weird. I don’t feel bad…really. But I don’t feel good. I am confused and tired and maybe grouchy is the best word. Yeah, I think grouchy is probably the best I can come up with. I am grouchy but have no reason for it. Oh, I just realized from filling in another question that I feel empty and pointless right now. I have things to do, but I don’t care. None of it really seems to matter. The whole weekend doesn’t matter, because I will have no contact with people who care and then next week will come and I will be drowning in school again, and none of that will matter either. My life is a long “to do” list, and nothing seems to interrupt it.

5. How will I feel when I am hurting myself? Calm, focused, probably a little bit happy or proud…those don’t seem like the right words. I will feel like I accomplished something, even though it is something I really don’t want to do. Maybe just getting something done, rather than the lack of action that seems to be part of my depression.

6. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning? I know by tomorrow morning I won’t want to get up. I will probably be more depressed if I cut, but possibly not. If I don’t cut, I will probably end up tense by tomorrow. I think I need something that I can enjoy and not feel bad about…something that doesn’t waste too much time, but that helps me relax. Something I could enjoy. I don’t know. I also want some type of connection to other people, but I don’t have anybody to connect to.

7. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future? I don’t know. Not with the resources I have right now. If the (Friends) still lived here, I would go visit them. If I had friends, I could call or email them. But I don’t. Even (other friend)’s family is out of town. And I probably couldn’t make myself call anyway. It seems so desperate.

8. Do I need to hurt myself? Again, no, I don’t “need” to. But I want to. And I don’t know how long I am going to find it worthwhile to fight the wish. But I just lasted a little longer, and I am going to try drinking hot chocolate and see if that helps.

[XclippedXwingsX]

I just don’t want to fight it…I know I would feel happier and more in control if I cut. I would feel stronger. I would feel more…justified. I think I am getting thrown off by the medication (I recently started taking Lexapro).

I feel like that quite often when I get urges or when I feel triggered to cut. Another thing - if you believe your medication has something to do with this trigger, maybe you should talk to the doctor who prescribed it to you about it. Just a thought. Meds can do that to you - mine did after all.

xXx Charm xXx

[NobodyToYou]

Thanks for the input...I really want other people's comments right now, cause I am not sorting this out very well on my own.

As far as the medication goes, I know it is affecting me, but I don't think it is making me cut more...I have been doing that plenty already. It is making it harder for me to figure out why I am cutting. I have trouble identifying emotions anyway, but now it is even harder because I don't "feel" them as much. I don't know if this makes any sense...
I don't want to stop taking the meds cause I really need them if I am going to pass my classes. Without them I can't get anything done. But with them, I am having more trouble understanding myself. Maybe I dont' need to understand...I don't know. I am pretty confused.
Again, thanks for the input.

[plantt]

Maybe I dont' need to understand...

sometimes i think that's true. sometimes for me... i can become more upset... when i'm not able to pinpoint why i'm upset to begin with... or why i'm feeling however i do....
sometimes imo understanding is more of a process than a 'click--yeah *now* i get it'
i have a *lot* of trouble labelling my own emotions & also large issues with physical sensations...
when stuff is already going on & i'm having trouble hangin in... it's not the best time for me to work towards allowing myself to attempt to notice physical sensations nor to attempt to label my emotion...
at that point i don't need to understand. i need to act in a way that will cause me to get through safely so that i'll be able to work on the underlying stuff later.

I will feel like I accomplished something, even though it is something I really don’t want to do. Maybe just getting something done

what else could you find to do?
what could you do to make steps towards forming connections with people? & towards learning to deal with feeling tense... that'd help you relax?

Not with the resources I have right now

what are you doing to get more resources in place? & to make the most of the resources that you do have?

i'd second what Charm said as well.. talk with the doctor about the meds...

hang in there

[fire.bird]

I will feel like I accomplished something, even though it is something I really don’t want to do. Maybe just getting something done, rather than the lack of action that seems to be part of my depression.

this really resonates with me. i remember feeling exactly this way -- i think i've even written what you just said almost verbatim in journals before.

and looking back on feeling that way, now, and thinking about what you've said here, reminds me of this line from Ordinary People (the book, not the movie):

"Depression is not screaming and crying and giving vent. It's reduction of feeling. Reduction, see? Of all feeling. People who keep a stiff upper lip find it damn hard to smile."

(forgive any misquoting, it's from memory.)

reading through your post, i was struck most by the sense that you couldn't feel, and that it was frustrating and confusing for you. like here:

Although I don’t “feel” that bad, somehow I know there are things under the surface. It is like the medication is hiding them. This is weird. I wanted to feel better. Why is it so bad that I do?

and in answer to the question "why is it so bad that i do?", i would say "do you actually *feel better*? or is it that you can't feel anything?"

for me, a lot of times, SI became a way to force myself to *feel* something. and i'm wondering if that's part of what's going on with you. and if it is, i guess i'd ask ... are there other mean that you know of by which you can induce intense feeling states in yourself? do you play an instrument, and when you do, is it a euphoric experience? is there any movie that just breaks your heart, makes you cry every time? is there anything that makes you really really angry? if there's anything you can think of that will help you feel an emotion, *any* emotion, really strongly -- could you try doing that thing, and see if it helps as much as SI does? or if not as much, then could you at least observe your reaction, and try to determine if actually being able to fully experience an emotion does make you feel better for a little while? at the very least, it might rule in or out the theory that the muffling of your emotions is part of the problem.

By the way, I didn't make it.

<gentlehug>

i'm sorry to hear that, but i'm really glad you posted these anyway, and i hope thinking through how you felt and what happened will help some the next time.


~b

[NobodyToYou]

Thanks for the input.
Fire.bird, I think you have a good point about the feelings. I am so used to trying not to feel that now, when I am not feeling so much, I don't know what to do. I think when I was trying to feel nothing, I wanted it all to go, not just the emotions. I wanted the physical tension to leave too and the tendency to sleep all the time. But it hasn't worked that way.
I talked to my T about it a little today (not this episode of cutting, but lack of feeling). I think as I am doing better in some ways, thanks to the medicine, I am losing ground in other areas, like being aware of what I am feeling and being more open with other people.
I think I may try something that would make me feel, but I am afraid to feel too deeply...that was a problem before. Maybe I can find a healthy "in between" or a way to connect to the physical things I am noticing (like clenching fists, gritting teeth, etc.) without getting overwhelmed with feelings.
One thing I have found, but I think is a little too powerful a tool right now, is that if I talk in sign language about myself, I cannot help showing emotion. It just comes out. But that kinda scares me too...so I have been trying to sign for a minute or two each day when no one is around, and see if that will help. Don't know yet if it does, but it is worth trying.
Thanks again for the help. I appreciate it.

[fire.bird]

Maybe I can find a healthy "in between" or a way to connect to the physical things I am noticing (like clenching fists, gritting teeth, etc.) without getting overwhelmed with feelings.

you know, there's a post that deb put down in the sourcebook a long time ago with a lot of information from her experiences with DBT. DBT is particularly good at helping people gently recognize the links between their physical and emotional states ... you might want to check the post out, just see if any of it sounds helpful to you. i'll see if i can find the link.

One thing I have found, but I think is a little too powerful a tool right now, is that if I talk in sign language about myself, I cannot help showing emotion. It just comes out. But that kinda scares me too...so I have been trying to sign for a minute or two each day when no one is around, and see if that will help. Don't know yet if it does, but it is worth trying.

i noticed you mentioned sign before, and was going to ask you about it, but i forgot ... glad you brought it up again. i think this is a fascinating, and very well worth exploring, point. for people who are having trouble knowing what they're feeling, or connecting their physical and emotional states, re-embodying through physical activity is a pretty crucial step toward getting reconnected. and i'd never thought about it before now, but the idea of that physical activity also being a language -- that just has so many implications. i used to (still do, actually) use my handwriting as a barometer for my emotional state -- i had a really hard time knowing what i felt, as well, for a long time, but i wrote pretty much constantly, and my handwriting radically changed with some of my more extreme moods, so it became a good way for me to take stock. i imagine sign language would be even more effective in that way.

i think your idea is great. and i'd be really interested in seeing how it goes for you.


~b