another before *sex trigs and la*

[swanfaerie]

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

it won't change. i feel scared, threatened by an anonymous internet person. si'ing won't make the fear go away--besides it's not even a fear of a real person...not a true threat to me. but scared me really bad. and i feel dirty and cheap and si is good punishement for that



what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

might have said above--it will punish me for feeling dirty. not that the feeling is valid. but it feels valid. ugh. i hate circular talking. i'll feel the physical pain instead of this emotional crap. don't know what it will take away. it'll take away the months of si free time. idk. *sigh* i really don't know



how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to not be afraid of random people. it's silly really, to be afraid of some anonymous person, even tho he only mentioned one sexual thing, it's triggered a ton of memories. i don't want the memories. not of events per se, but snippets of events and A WHOLE LOT OF EMOTION associated with those snippets.



if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

probly the rest of the night. i can see myself si'ing then going to bed or to sleep on the sofa. OR i could just say f*** it and stay awake and punish myself more with sleep deprivation. oh, i *know* this isn't a good plan. hopefully i'd sleep after si'ing. but i hafta work tomorrow, and i had morning plans, and crap, i haven't told sandi yet that si, or did as recently as a few months ago. how do you explain a fresh c*t to a gf who doesn't know about the si?



what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i'm posting here. i could play with hobbes. he seems to think i'm sposed to pull that string about the house indefinitely. i could watch the rest of the movie i rented. i could do laundry. it won't change the situation. nothing changes the situation. it's just that sometimes things are worse and sometimes they're better. sometimes i COPE better.



how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

already talked about how i'll feel...sorta. i'll be worried about people finding out. i'll be sore. i might be disappointed that i didn't do it "good" enuf.
if i do the other things? my rational side says i'll be glad i weathered thru w/o si'ing. but the scared, po'd and stubborn side doesn't really give a f*** right now.



what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i want to be held. i want to be with sandi. but those aren't options tonight. so i'm here in front of the blasted computer. lol--i'd like to reach thru that jerk's computer and slap him upside the head and ask if his mama knows he im's such trash to random women. *weak smile* that's kinda funny actually

[plantt]

i'm wondering whether you continued to talk with this person... or let them talk to you... or if you blocked & deleted & got away from them....

it's not even a fear of a real person...not a true threat to me. but scared me really bad. and i feel dirty and cheap and si is good punishement for that

the internet is kinda funny... in that we know that people we talk with are real... yet they're not real in the 'i know them irl' sense...
were you afraid of that individual or afraid of what had happened in the past?
times i feel cheap & dirty would you tell me si would be a good punishment for me?
what would you tell me if i said i felt cheap & dirty & wanted to si?

it will punish me for feeling dirty. not that the feeling is valid.

rephrasing to make sure i'm understanding what you mean...
that you feel dirty & the fear isn't justified in that that individual doesn't pose a huge threat to your wellbeing.
if that's what you mean... i'd agree. the fear of that individual... isn't valid. yet it's reality. you were afraid. because of past experiences you were afraid of that individual.
how could you work on not generalizing those past experiences?

it won't change the situation

might depend on what 'situation' refers to. the immediate 'i was talking with this guy..' did change(or so i assume).
the longer term 'being afraid of random people & triggered by sexual comments'... i'd agree probably won't change drastically overnight. it can change though.

did you play with hobbes?

[swanfaerie]

i'm wondering whether you continued to talk with this person... or let them talk to you... or if you blocked & deleted & got away from them....

i blocked him and that was the end of it, except for feeling scared.

it's not even a fear of a real person...not a true threat to me. but scared me really bad. and i feel dirty and cheap and si is good punishement for that

the internet is kinda funny... in that we know that people we talk with are real... yet they're not real in the 'i know them irl' sense...
were you afraid of that individual or afraid of what had happened in the past?

the fear was the past. but nothing specific just a general sense of helplessness and wondering when it would happen again....definitely the past.

times i feel cheap & dirty would you tell me si would be a good punishment for me?
what would you tell me if i said i felt cheap & dirty & wanted to si?

dangit my t does this. grrrr. i know i know. of course i wouldn't tell you si would be a good punishment. but we were talking about me not you.

it will punish me for feeling dirty. not that the feeling is valid.

rephrasing to make sure i'm understanding what you mean...
that you feel dirty & the fear isn't justified in that that individual doesn't pose a huge threat to your wellbeing.
if that's what you mean... i'd agree. the fear of that individual... isn't valid. yet it's reality. you were afraid. because of past experiences you were afraid of that individual.

yeah that's what i meant.

how could you work on not generalizing those past experiences?

that's just it. i'm not sure. i told t we need to work on me stopping the cycle b4 i get into full-blown past is the present / the present is not now stuff.

did you play with hobbes?

yup for a smidge. but a smidge is never long enuf (for him anyways )

[fire.bird]

swanfaerie, this could be way off, but i noticed something in your post that i'd like to point out to you and just ... see if it's helpful at all.

lol--i'd like to reach thru that jerk's computer and slap him upside the head and ask if his mama knows he im's such trash to random women. *weak smile* that's kinda funny actually

that was the first time in your post i heard you express anger at anyone but yourself. this guy said some really nasty things, apparently, and invaded your space in an unnacceptable manner -- but this one line is the only line in your post that expresses anger *at him*. the rest of your anger you direct at yourself.

and that's something that i do a lot, too -- which is why i wanted to point it out. because i also noticed that in the line right after you expressed anger toward this guy, you seemed to feel some amusement, which was maybe a slight lessening, or at least destraction, from wanting to SI. and i don't think those two are unrelated.

this is probably an idea you've gone over with yourself or in therapy or wherever a thousand times. i know i have. but it's a point that's worth bringing up again and again, i think -- SI is anger turned inward. many, many SIers either have a hard time expressing anger, or immediately turn all anger toward anyone else back at themselves.

so maybe one thing to do, as an excercise, just to sort of to see how it goes/if it helps/how it makes you feel, is to consciously let yourself be angry at this guy, and consciously express that anger maybe write him a letter and then tear it up. or, heck ... keep it and read it again next time you're angry at yourself for something someone did to you. try letting yourself be angry at him. i mean, he did something wrong. he invaded your space in a very real way -- his actions may have originally started in the non-space of the internet, but they made you feel a very real way in your very real body in your very real house. his actions translated into your physical space invasively, and that's not ok, and you have every right to be mad at him. and i'd love to hear you go off on him, like you started to in that line. i'd love to hear what you'd say to him if you could reach into the computer and smack him upside the head and tell him that his mama taught him better and so will you. that kind of righteous anger can be an incredibly cathartic, refreshing experience. and if nothing else, it's a lot better than feeling scared. i still, to this day, pull out the break-up letter i wrote to a particularly cruel ex five years ago when i'm feeling frighteningly vulnerable, and re-read it. it revs me up, makes me remember that i, too, have agency and power and worth, that i, too, deserve to stand up for myself, and can do so eloquently and effectively.

sometimes anger is the best antidote for fear.

does any of that ring a bell, resonate at all with you?


~b

[swanfaerie]

sorry it took me so long to respond. partly cuz of work schedule, partly cuz i didn't wanna look inward. hey, at least i'm honest.

swanfaerie, this could be way off, but i noticed something in your post that i'd like to point out to you and just ... see if it's helpful at all.

lol--i'd like to reach thru that jerk's computer and slap him upside the head and ask if his mama knows he im's such trash to random women. *weak smile* that's kinda funny actually

that was the first time in your post i heard you express anger at anyone but yourself. this guy said some really nasty things, apparently, and invaded your space in an unnacceptable manner -- but this one line is the only line in your post that expresses anger *at him*. the rest of your anger you direct at yourself.

ready for the excuse? cuz i *know* he can't do anything to me therefore i was mad at me for overreacting to an essentially benign situation. and i'm mad that my past can still trigger so much self-loathing and fear.

i also noticed that in the line right after you expressed anger toward this guy, you seemed to feel some amusement, which was maybe a slight lessening, or at least destraction, from wanting to SI. and i don't think those two are unrelated.

ya wanna know a secret? i actually got mad that i almost laughed cuz suddenly i didn't wanna si even tho i still wanted to si, ya know?

this is probably an idea you've gone over with yourself or in therapy or wherever a thousand times. i know i have. but it's a point that's worth bringing up again and again, i think -- SI is anger turned inward. many, many SIers either have a hard time expressing anger, or immediately turn all anger toward anyone else back at themselves.

i'm not sure i completely agree with that. i think of si as a maladaptive coping mechanism, much as drinking, drugging etc. cuz it distracts me, numbs me out from the emotion i don't want to feel. for me i don't think of it as anger so much as NOT wanting to feel w/e it is that's gotten me upset.

so maybe one thing to do, as an excercise, just to sort of to see how it goes/if it helps/how it makes you feel, is to consciously let yourself be angry at this guy, and consciously express that anger

that would work IF i didn't believe anger is also another way of not feeling w/e emotion is really going on. (geez i'm sounding like my t ). cuz the reality is i wasn't angry at him so much as scared...old tapes playing in my head. maybe i *should* be angry at the guy. but he wasn't being a perv so much as just saying one sentence that some people wouldn't be bothered by.

*shrugs* maybe i'm a prude. (naaaaaaaah )

i mean, he did something wrong. he invaded your space in a very real way -- his actions may have originally started in the non-space of the internet, but they made you feel a very real way in your very real body in your very real house. his actions translated into your physical space invasively, and that's not ok

well, that's a judgement call as far as him doing something *wrong* but i'm not feeling like discussing situation ethics today.

sometimes anger is the best antidote for fear.

yeah, sometimes.

thanks for replying. has given me stuff to think about.

toodles,
swannie