my racing thoughts will stop, i'll be relaxed, calm able to focus. the situation in itself will go away and be resolved.
what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
it will bring peace, state of mind, calmness, relief, joy, and minimal guilt. it will take away the manicness and the racing thoughts.
how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to be able to get away from self injury in the long run. but today, at this moment, i think i need it.
i guess injuring will only get me further away. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then? the relief it brings will last for five mintues, then guilt, then shame, and then relief when i see the scar. after wards, i'll clean myself up and prepare to go to the hospital, as per the agreement made with my therapist and my parents.
what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then? i could stay on BUS and bullshit, like i've been doing all day, until my pdoc appointment in two hours. then i'm going to practice, and afterwards, i guess i'll see how i feel then.
how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
both ways i'll feel like shit, either because i cut or because i didn't. actually, in my twisted mind, i see cutting as the better option right now.
what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i don't know.
