before *a little lang*

[Guest]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm tired and had a crappy situation at work today and my fiance is acting pissed off with me and won't say why. He's working tonight and I'm alone which always makes me more likely to hurt myself. I feel overfull of bad stuff and I want to release the pressure. It's been a bad few weeks.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Pretty much. Maybe not the exact combination, but close enough.
Work stuff I talk to Michal about. Michal stuff I talk to friends about. None of the people I'd be happy talking to are available or in a good place or even suitable to talk to right now. SI urges I come here and talk about. I always try distractions.
I'm not sure I know how to answer the last part.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
-asked Michal what's wrong, before he left for work and on the phone at his break. He said he was fine.
-tried to convince myself that I couldn't have handled the work thing today any other way. tried to convince myself I shouldn't feel guilty. Felt stupid and guilty anyway.
I could have a bath if there's any hot water, but I'd need to move the razors out of the bathroom first because I'd be very likely to grab one and cut when in the bath, and I don't know if moving them is a good idea. I could do some extra research for the work issue in the hope I;d either find something to help the client and his dad or manage to reassure myself there IS nothing else, but I'm so fucking tired.
I could read a book I really love. I'll try that.

How do I feel right now?
Miserable, tired, incompetent, frustrated, edgy.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
With any luck nothing at all.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
A mixture of calm and self disgust. Both times.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I can demand some relevant training at work. I can review what happened today with the team manager tomorrow and get her opinions and advice.
I can't make Michal do anything different, I know I need to change my responses to things more than anything else. I need to get to a stage where I can think, 'OK, he's pissed but he doesn't want to talk about it yet, it doesn't mean he hates me and is about to leave'.
Being tired and emotional and alone makes me want to hurt myself more and makes me more likely to give in to urges. I don't know how to deal with that and I'd appreciate any advice.


Do I need to hurt myself?
I still hate that question.
No.
I just very much want to.



(edited [badly] for spelling)

[plantt]

Miserable, tired, incompetent, frustrated, edgy.

sometimes 'matching' ways to cope with emotions can help... i don't really have personal experience with that helping as i have a lot of trouble identifying/experiencing my own emotions.. i know it often helps other people though.
eg. miserable... let yourself cry. watch a sad movie. cuddle with a favorite teddy bear. tired... let yourself sleep. stretch. take a bath(minus razors). incompetent... do something that would help you feel competent... something that you think/know that you do alright at. frustrated... hit a pillow. run(around the house or in place if you need). edgy... relax.

i think too... reminding yourself that emotions & experiencing them is natural & it won't kill you... emotions won't hurt you... they hurt no doubt... but in a very different way than si.

being tired can make things seem a *lot* harder & worse than when you're not so tired. sometimes for me it can help to remember that... to not be quite so hard on myself & kinda wait it out... remember that things will look different after i'm able to sleep.

for being alone... go somewhere public if possible. call someone... call information lines just to hear a real voice.

*nods* 'need' is different from 'want'... sometimes giving in to the belief that it's a 'need' is easier short-term.

what book are you reading?

[Guest]

Thank you
Those are really useful suggestions. I never really thought about 'matching' ways to cope with each emotion, I just sort of let them all bundle up together and overwhelm me.

I'm reading The Land of Lost Content. I must have read it 20 or 30 times but it's always lovely to sink back into.

[Proximity]

Being tired and emotional and alone makes me want to hurt myself more and makes me more likely to give in to urges. I don't know how to deal with that and I'd appreciate any advice.

Spoof, this has been a problem for me, too.
I think there aren't many things that don't look a bit better after a good night of sleep. Do you think that sometimes, you can just drop what's going on in life and say, "now, I need to rest. for me. world - you just need to wait a few hours, I'll get back to you when I've slept."
It's very understandable that your abilities to cope would deteriorate with things like being tired, emotional, or alone.
I'm addressing "tired" because it's the simplest
Do you think that "emotional" is something that might be helped by the reflection that some time and some rest and some distance might bring?
It's like that old addage that one shouldn't fight when one is angry.
I have found distance to be very helpful in dealing with problems in a more reasonable and productive way. If it's the sort of thing that I can put aside to deal with when I'm not as emotional about it, I don't think I've ever regretted giving it that space.
I think most of us feel more vulnerable on our own. When you find yourself alone, and feeling unsafe, what would it take for you to pick up the phone, or just to seek someone out? Is there anything you could do to make it easier to find some company if you feel like you want or need it?

Finially, a sort of practical type thing .. can you create a place in your home that's *safe* for you? For example, by moving razors out of the bathroom (when you're safe!) to keep elsewhere, and bring in with you when you want to use them (for their intended purposes)?
To sort of rope off a physical place as a safe place gives you a sort of "time out" zone... a place where you can go to get that distance from the problem. Then if you realize that you do need to, or are going to harm yourself, don't do so in the "safe place".

(I hope that wasn't advice that was too specific.. sorry, I'm trying to get the hang of this forum .. tell me if I'm getting it all wrong.)

prox.
[I bite my nails, and I like to sleep.]

[Guest]

"now, I need to rest. for me. world - you just need to wait a few hours, I'll get back to you when I've slept."

It's what I want to say sometimes, definitely.

When you find yourself alone, and feeling unsafe, what would it take for you to pick up the phone, or just to seek someone out? Is there anything you could do to make it easier to find some company if you feel like you want or need

it?
You know, that's been going round and round in my head. Thinking about it, I could kind of mix this with what plantt said above... Maybe I could make a list of people I can call or go and see that's matched to exactly how I feel, or at least a list of which people I'm going to be Ok talking to about which stuff.
I just realised a big reason I couldn't call anyone yesterday was shame. Argh.

I like the safe place idea. I'm going to ponder it today. There's a boxroom we just chuck stuff in, maybe that could become like a chillout room or something.

Thank you
That was great advice.