bus

okay so i cut. i was just feeling really really fat. so i came home and ate cookies, fried clams and some french fries. what the hell is wrong w/ me? not quite sure. my x bf told me i was fat today. i just wanted to cry, but i couldn't, so i cut. i feel better actually. kindof in a numb hazey feeling i guess. i'm really really dissociated, and i kindof like it. i just don't want to deal with the realities of the world right now... bc reality sucks. i will now go to my happy place... sadly i don't feel bad about cutting. is this a bad thing???

ok im done rambling now...

Ellen

ok... i'm going to rearrange/reword this & see if i'm getting things straight... feel free to correct me if i'm off

your b/f told you that you were fat(precipitating event)
you felt like crying(emotion-sad)
you were thinking you were fat(thoughts)
you ate(action)
you felt numb/hazey/dissociated(physical sensation)
you wanted to avoid(probably i'm guessing because of emotional pain)
you cut(action)

how could you challenge those thoughts? what could you do when you're thinking that you're fat other than eat? what do you get out of eating... what is it that draws you to doing that? have you told your boyfriend that you found that comment hurtful? what could you do rather than cut when you're sad & want to cry yet are unable to cry?

you mention that you don't feel bad about cutting. i'm wondering if that's an 'i don't feel badly. i don't care why i did & have no intention of thinking it through & will continue to do it again without thought'... i'm kind of guessing not since you took the time to post here.
i'm wondering if it's more 'cutting makes things easier for a time. i'm wondering why/if i want to stop'.. & i'm wondering what your thoughts are about that.

well it's an x bf that told me this... well yeah i am kinda wondering why i really want to stop. things have just hit the fan. everything sucks. gah.

what's one thing that does not suck?
what specifically 'sucks'?
what can you do to work at changing the things that you'd like to be different?
why do you want to stop si? why not simply keep doing it whenever you have even a slight urge?
if i were wondering why i wanted to stop si... how would you encourage me?

I know that it can be really hard to let a comment like that slide, it's hard for me, I think it's hard for everyone,
but since he's your <b>ex</b> boyfriend .. there have to be some reasons he's your ex.
Why do you think that what he said got to you so much? Is your self-image tied up a lot with what he, or others in general, think of you?
If you were the only person in the world, how would you feel about yourself? Would you think you were fat, with no one to compare yourself to?

what do you think the link is between feeling bad about yourself, and wanting to hurt yourself? do you think there's anything you can do to stop that process between those steps, just for a moment, so you can think about it before one thought flows into another action?

you said that reality sucks, and that being disociated was actually enjoyable by comparison,
do you want to be in reality?
if you do, what can you do to find that place agian?
when it feels like reality sucks, what can you find that makes it worthwhile?

(I hope that none of those sound accusing to you, or judgmental. The questions are just questions, not assumptions, they don't have answers unless you answer them .. I hope you're doing a bit better, today.)

prox.
[I bite my nails, and I like to sleep.]

no your questions aren't judgemental it's kinda nice to have someone analyze me once in a while

i guesse it go to me so much because i struggle with thinking i'm fat all of the time. it bothers me when anyone says that i'm fat or makes a comment like that...

i just want to punish myself for being bad i guess.

usually i can stop myself becuase i play the 15 minute game...

i don't want to be in reality because right now my reality is just too painful to think about, especailly because i have nobody right now because all of my friends aren't really friends anymore bc i've pushed them away.

thanx for listening