bus

Hiya.

I haven't posted in here before, and I'd really appreciate some feedback. I've thought about doing these questions a few times, but most of the tiime lately I feel too dull and blank and confused to write anything. This time I just dove in and filled out the questions. Wrote a lot, so it's kind of long. Mentions SA with no details, and there's a bit that could be considered an ED trigger. Here goes:


• Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm so frustrated and tense and scared right now. I'm sick of hiding away and not living my life, but I'm terrified of being out in the real world where people can hurt me. I'm scared of Christopher, or any other guy, looking at me and deciding that I'm not worth his time even though I know that this particular guy probably isn't good for me anyway. And I'm scared that if I ever let a guy close to me he'll hurt me the same way Scott did. My body is so tense that my muscles are on the verge of cramping and everything hurts. I don't want to fall asleep because of the nightmares. I want to stop being sick. I want help, but I don't want to be a burden on my family, but I'm a burden on my family anyway unless I contribute, but I can't seem to contribute anything worth while when i feel this bad, but I don't know hot to stop feeling this bad without help, but I can't ask for help because then I would be a burden on my family, and so on.

The skin on my arm is crawling just the way it did when this guy who raped my friend brushed against it in school six years ago. I never realized that that crawling, filthy feeling my skin gets when I'm urgy is just the same as that feeling then. I scrubbed at my arm in the shower for hours that evening, and shaved all the hair off to try and get clean. I want to be clean, but I'm so filthy. I'm scared, and I know what I'm scared of, and I know why I'm scared, but I still don't understand it. I'm so frustrated with myself for having such brilliant insights into my own condition but not knowing how - or being too afraid - to act on them. I want to speak up, but I don't want to bother anyone. I want to be a useful person, but I'm too scared to move. I'm sick of being a deer in headlights.

• Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
It's been a few months since I've felt quite like this. Christmas, I think. Or, no. That Sunday afternoon when I was trying to help but just messed things up. Since then all of the SI has been for a different reason. I haven't felt this much in a while. Then I felt overwhelmed, like I do now, and I reacted by running away and hurting myself and shutting down for a while.

• What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I've tried to distract myself by reading. And by playing games. I tried to show myself people who are worse off than me, and tried Adam's method of pretending that I'm happy in the hopes that my act would come true. I tried eating more even though my stomach already feels sick.

I could try to sleep, but then the nightmares would come again. I could try drawing on my arms, or working on one of my craft projects. I could wait until morning and then do some physical work cleaning out the empty apartments for the next tenants. I could use the hand-held massager on my neck and shoulders to help with the tension. I could try to let myself cry. I could pray.

• How do I feel right now?
Frustrated. Frightened. ANGRY. Angry at myself for being angry.

• How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
I will feel relieved, relaxed, calm.

• How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
Alien, isolated. Later I'll feel disgusted and self-pitying.

• Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
It isn't any one thing this time. It's a million little things, some of them every day frustrations, others specific to one or another of the many unusual difficult circumstances in my life right now. I don't know what the proverbial straw was. Maybe I can deal with things better by not letting all of the stress build up, but I don't know how to do that yet. Maybe I can deal with it better if I learn how to let myself be angry.

• Do I need to hurt myself?
I don't know. If I knew of some other way that would actually work instead of just being another distraction, then I wouldn't need to. If I do have the tools to handle all of this in a healthy way, I sure as hell don't see what they are or how to use them. I've gone a couple weeks without, but everything keeps building up and I feel like I'm going to explode if I don't do it.

hi. glad you tried the questions.

I'm so frustrated with myself for having such brilliant insights into my own condition but not knowing how - or being too afraid - to act on them. I want to speak up, but I don't want to bother anyone. I want to be a useful person, but I'm too scared to move. I'm sick of being a deer in headlights.

i understand that one way too well. i can analyze a situation forever and still remain stuck in the middle of it.

i was recently reading about the idea that insight is actually a result of change (rather than being what leads to it). i don't know if that's always how it works, but it was an interesting thing for me to consider. because it reminded me that i can't just approach everything intellectually (which is how i tend to operate. ) and sometimes the only way to really understand how things could be different is to take a step in that direction.

i don't know what (if anything!) that would mean for you. (maybe something like asking for help, even though you've already figured out in your mind why that isn't an option or wouldn't work?) i can definitely understand the terror of moving. for me, it usually takes a real sense of desperation before i risk trying anything different. the realization that as terrifying as it is to try anything new, it's even worse to contemplate staying mired forever in misery.

this is perhaps not the most helpful response; i'm just kind of randomly talking. really, i struggle with this kind of thing a lot myself, so it's hard to have much to say. but i do hear you. and i'm sorry that things have been so bad lately.

take good care.

dragonfly

Neats wrote:
I would be a burden on my family, and so on.

sweetie. you will be more of a burden on ur family if you don't get help and it hurts more people than just yourself... trust me.

hope u feel better.

be strong.
Love,
Ellen

Neats,

GOOD JOB analyzing and writing out your urges and what's going on behind them so thoroughly. although it's true that it's entirely possible to have a full intellectual grasp of what's going on emotionally and still not be able to change it (i'm like that, too), i still think it's a really good thing that you have as full a grasp as you do of what's going on. it's a starting point. i'm also really impressed that you can link your emotional and physical states as well as you can. again, a good starting point. if your emotions are well embodied, then sometimes when you can't change what's going on from the head/emotions angle, you can start the other way around and change your physical state.

i was really, really struck by this:

Neats wrote:I never realized that that crawling, filthy feeling my skin gets when I'm urgy is just the same as that feeling then.

that's quite a powerful realization. and i think it's important. especially given this:

Neats wrote:I'm scared, and I know what I'm scared of, and I know why I'm scared, but I still don't understand it.

could you maybe talk a little more about those two? because i noticed that feelings of fear and anger seem to be at the core of your urge right now, but that you mention them briefly, in single sentences, and then move on. and i'm wondering about that ... wondering if it would help to explore those specific feelings a little further. as you say here:

Neats wrote:Maybe I can deal with it better if I learn how to let myself be angry.

i think that's a good idea. so maybe, in the interest of learning how to let yourself be angry, or be frightened, you could write some more here about those feelings? what exactly you respond to by feeling fear and anger?


~b

There are some great things to think about here already, but I wanted to add a couple more

Neats wrote:If I knew of some other way that would actually work instead of just being another distraction, then I wouldn't need to.

If you think about it, si is really just another distraction. It won't fix anything or solve anything. A few days, hours, weeks after you si you'll be right back where you were before you did. That doesn't help you much, but if you think of si as just a distraction (albeit a pretty powerful one), you can start to think of other distractions as more useful. If all you can do is distract yourself you might as well do it in a healthy way.

Neats wrote:It isn't any one thing this time. It's a million little things, some of them every day frustrations, others specific to one or another of the many unusual difficult circumstances in my life right now.

I know that feeling, and it's horrible and overwhelming. What I do to get through it is list the things which are upseting me. Just write a big long list. That really helps me see them for what they are, individual probelms rather than the screaming mass of thoughts in my head. You don't need to post it here, but it might be helpful. Then, if I can, I write out responses to each of the things on my list, try to rationalise them. Sometimes it'll be an action I need to take, but sometimes it's just "this <i>will</i> pass, give it time".

Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon.