bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

i want to feel better. in control, im so fat.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

yes. i cut and ate lots of food

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

tried to sleep, ate some food. talk to someone on bus take sleeping pills and go nini

How do I feel right now?

frustrated, like crying, hurt, abused, belittled, abandoned, lonely, self hating

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

numb, relieved, better

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

horrible, like i've let all of my friends down

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

there really isn't a stressor, just stupid thoughts running through my head, and the fact that people are saying mean things about my cutting and stuff

Do I need to hurt myself?

maybe

adding some more... sorry this is so long~~
I'm really not sure where this post will go so i'm just going to ramble. i'm sorry if none of this makes sense...

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i'm in a really bad place right now. there's nothing really going wrong, but i just want to cut so badly. found out that one of my friend's mom didn't want me to go with them on a trip, and she says that she doesn't like my attitude and the way i talk to adults. i don't know why but this is just getting me down so badly. i shouldn't care, because i still get to go because she's not in charge of the trip and has no say over whether i go or not, and if she doesn't like it she can kiss my lilly white ass. and another friend can't go because i'm going. i don't know what everyone's problem with me is. i guess its' bc i'm a sutpid fatass cow bitch that needs to die. god i'm so fat. i fucking ate so much last night and i feel horrid for it. and then today i eat again. tomorrow i'm not going to let myself eat anything, because i don't deserve food. i'm not allowed to eat. eating is bad. talked to my T today, so won't be seeing her for antoher week. that sucks ass. i really really really need to see her, but i can't. i hate this. i have nobody. i'm so alone. course nobody would want to be around a stupid bitch like me. i'm so ugly and fat. i just want to go purge all of the food that i ate today, but most of its probably gone by now... and my dad is home. stupid stupid stupid. fuck. i hate me. i just wnat to take the whole bottle of xanax and sleep. not die, just sleep. for like 3 days and maybe when i wake up all of this shit will be gone. i doubt that one though. life is a shithole. i hate it. i'm so tired of all of this. i want so baldy to be in college and making a new begining where nobdoy knows me. where nobdoy knows about the cutting. too many people know. and ppl feel the need to say that i do this for attention. why? it's not u fucktards. why would i cut myself up just for attention? that's rather retarted. i just want to die, no i just want the pain to stop. i'm sick of all the pain. i'm sick of being a fatass and hating myself. i just want someone to hold me. i want mrs rose to ask me if i'm okay and so i can talk to her. i want so badly to have that human contact with her. i don't know what it is about her, but i just want her to reach out to me. i look up to her as kindof a mother figure i guess. god i'm stupid and childish. i'm such a fucking baby. 18 years old and i still can't ask for fucking help. i just want my blood to run. i know exactly where i wanna cut too. i can picture it in my mind. every time i close my eyes i see that picture. why?! god. i hate this. i hate being like this. i hate being fucked up. i hate ME. i hate ME. i hate ME! i'm such a stupid fucking bitch and i need to die. i don't deserve to have friends. i don't deserve this....

ok i'm done ranting for now... this isn't makeing me feel any better....

hugs would b appreciated.
Love,
Ellen

there really isn't a stressor

there's nothing really going wrong

just an observation. this is some of what i heard in your post:

you have a lot of negative feelings about your weight.
you feel hurt and rejected by the behavior of your friend's mom
you feel rejected by a friend
you don't feel in control of your eating
you feel hurt by people's reaction to your cutting
you feel lonely and hungry for connection with other people
you feel upset about the fact that you have the above feelings

my thought is, wow, that's a lot of stressors. at least, i would be feeling pretty overwhelmed by all of that. maybe a start would be to say, this stuff is real and it's hard and it's okay for me to struggle with it?

take good care.

dragonfly