bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I guess Ill be able to think clearer. And, Ill feel better.
And I wont have this fucking urge. Cus it will've been fulfilled.
And, I guess I wont have this damn voice telling me to do it. Cus I wld have done it.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring a certain peace of mind. Make me feel better.
Stop me feeling shit.
But it'll take away how good I feel that its been so long since I did it. And it will make me more reliant on si again.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to feel better. I want to be able to make myself feel better without the use of meds, or sh. In the very long run.
So obviously, if I sid, it wld get me farther away from feeling like that.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

I dunno, its been ages since I last felt like this, with this intensity of urgyness. So I would hope quite a while. Anytime up to a week I guess.
Them, hopefully I wlda seen my C again, n cld tlk to her, n get some help from her bout it.
Learn some new coping mechanisms.
But I think that if I sid now, it would make me more dependant on si if I feel like this again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could try drawing I guess.
But I tired it this lunchtime, n it didnt succeed in making me feel better.
I could read, however, I reckon this feeling would still be here after I stopped reading.
I could write as well. But Im quite scared to let my thoughts go anywhere. Cus I dont know what I might find there.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

If I si tomorrow, Ill probably feel guilty and also better.
I wont feel like this, so it wil be better. but Ill feel so guilty that I sid.
If I do sumin else, Ill doubtless feel like this still.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

By using other coping mechanisms I guess.
but the thing is, I havent found any that work yet.
Thats what Im working on with Jenny (My C) right now.
But we havent quite got there yet.
Havent found any.
So, part of me, says, just wait till u see Jenny, n tlk to her.
But the other is saying, you've felt like this since thurs. It sucks, and you know how to make it go away.

So I dont know what to do.
But I so badly wanna si right now.

But it'll take away how good I feel that its been so long since I did it. And it will make me more reliant on si again.

i think that's a really good point. if you do it, you probably will feel better for a while, and it is a relief not to have to keep fighting the urge. but, as you say, it also means that you're not learning other ways to get through tough urges.

I dunno, its been ages since I last felt like this, with this intensity of urgyness. So I would hope quite a while.

do you have any idea why it's so intense right now? does it seem to be related to anything in particular that's been going on in your life? can you identify any of the emotions that are related to you wanting to do it?

So, part of me, says, just wait till u see Jenny, n tlk to her.
But the other is saying, you've felt like this since thurs. It sucks, and you know how to make it go away.

i'm sending lots of encouragement to keep listening to the part of you that wants to wait.

dragonfly

silverdragonfly wrote:do you have any idea why it's so intense right now? does it seem to be related to anything in particular that's been going on in your life? can you identify any of the emotions that are related to you wanting to do it?

I was feeling like that since thurs, when I went to see my Pysch from the hosp. I guess I was just reminded of how I felt before I OD'd, if y'know what I mean.
And I guess it was particularly intense, cus I was tlking to Dan. WHo just makes me think of him walking away. And then of other people as well.

I guess I was feeling really lonely. And rejected. And I just wanted to feel worth a bit more.
And I was remembering the past. So I was feeling really hurt.
As in I was emotionally hurt thatId taken an Od, if that makes sense.

i'm sending lots of encouragement to keep listening to the part of you that wants to wait.

Thanks.

And I hate saying this.....but I just couldnt do it.
I couldnt not si.

Id forgotten how horrid the urges were. I really had. For nearly 3 weeks I hadnt been urgy at all, so it was just really hard to stay strong.
And Im really mad at myself that I didnt.

Maybe I shld do an after post....


But thanks for replying.
Your qs really helped me like, identify exactly what I was feeling. And the reasons.
I didnt do that at all last night.
tc xxx

hey. i'm sorry that things ended up as they did. but i hope you're not beating yourself up too much over it. learning other ways of coping is a process, and even with making slips sometimes, it sounds like you're still learning. which is what matters.

take good care.

dragonfly