bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I can stop obsessing over doing it if I've already done it. I may feel calmer and more focused or I may feel guilty.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

I don't know that it will bring or take away anything as long as no one notices that I've done it.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I don't know. I should want to keep being si free but right now I feel like the 200 some odd days si free are a pressure I don't need.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

If history is any indicator it may last a week or more and then I'll probably end up cutting again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

I could embroider. I'm having trouble concentrating on anything though. I'm not sure it would help.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I think I will feel relieved, I've been avoiding it for so long it would kind of be a weight off of my shoulders not to feel like I HAVE to keep being si-free just because I have for the last two hundred and some days. On the other hand it's been nice not to have to hide wounds and worry about people noticing them.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I want to feel different, I want to be different. I want to be less lonely, I want to feel something other than depression and anxiety and blahness.

still before

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?

There aren't a lot of times when I don't want to hurt myself, I just usually want it less, sometimes I can go for a while without thinking about it. So it's more of a shift of importance. I really want to very strongly right now. The why I'm not sure of. I'm depressed and I'm not sure if that's because I don't feel well (allergies) or it's hormonal or just because I've been spending too much time in my own head and not enough time interacting with other people or because I'm lonely or because I don't like how I've turned out or what.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

I own a timeshare condo here. How have I dealt with it in the past? Well for the most part I self injured. And I would feel better. For the last 280+days I have not self injured. I've typed A LOT, read other people's messages, tried to abstain for my family's sake. Not done it just for the sake of seeing how long I could go. none of it really works as well or as quickly as hurting myself does.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

typed here and in place, listened to music, hung out with my kids, washed dishes, petted my cats, had sex, slept, slept some more, avoided anything tool like, surfed the net reading nonsense

What else can I do that won't hurt me. I don't know. Lots of things. I don't have much energy though. I'd like to get out of the house but my daughter's allergies are acting up. My sil is taking the kiddos for a couple of hours tonight and so if my husband feels up to it we can get out of the house then.

How do I feel right now?

depressed, low, self destructive, annoyed with myself, fleeting bits of selfhate but mostly I can't work up enough emotion to properly label it "hate", numb very numb, lonely, tired

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

relieved, calm, less numb

How will I feel after hurting myself?

As long as I'm in pain I will feel better and less numb, even after it stops hurting looking at the cuts would be calming.

How will I feel tomorrow morning?

probably the same as I feel every morning- frantic, anxious.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

stressor= me and who I am so no. I mean I could but not without involving *su methood removed*.

deal with it better in the future? I think I'm dealing with it ok now because I haven't SIed. I would hope that if I'm going to live for a while yet (which I plan to..for the most part) that I will get to the point where I can be better at dealing with living in my own skin.

Do I need to hurt myself?

define "need". ugh. no. no I can get through without it I have before. I'm just tired of getting through.

hi dragons.

herebedragons wrote:I think I will feel relieved, I've been avoiding it for so long it would kind of be a weight off of my shoulders not to feel like I HAVE to keep being si-free just because I have for the last two hundred and some days. On the other hand it's been nice not to have to hide wounds and worry about people noticing them.

that does sound like a lot of pressure, to feel like you have to live up to that. i can see how getting rid of that weight could be a real relief. but i'm wondering whether there's any chance you could reframe things so that you didn't feel so pressured? i don't know if this would help you or not, but i know that (paradoxically) i find it easier sometimes not to give in if i decide that i can do it if i really want to; that way i can focus more on whether i really want to, and on trying other things first, and less on the internal debate about whether it's allowed, which often makes me want to hurt myself just to end the debate! (though i realize such an approach could have very different results for different people, so obviously i'm not saying this is the best way of thinking for everyone.)

stressor= me and who I am so no. I mean I could but not without involving *su methood removed*.

deal with it better in the future? I think I'm dealing with it ok now because I haven't SIed. I would hope that if I'm going to live for a while yet (which I plan to..for the most part) that I will get to the point where I can be better at dealing with living in my own skin.

when you say the stress is who you are, are you thinking of certain things you've done (or things you're doing) that you're feeling critical of? or is it more a general sense of not liking yourself in some fundamental way? and how does si help with those kinds of feelings (distraction? punishment? making you feel better about yourself?)

i'm very glad to hear that you are planning to live for a while yet. but i wish you weren't feeling so lousy. please take care.

dragonfly

i find it easier sometimes not to give in if i decide that i can do it if i really want to; that way i can focus more on whether i really want to, and on trying other things first, and less on the internal debate about whether it's allowed, which often makes me want to hurt myself just to end the debate! (though i realize such an approach could have very different results for different people, so obviously i'm not saying this is the best way of thinking for everyone.)

The ten minute rule never worked well for me so I'm guessing that wouldn't but I may try that because who knows and I feel like I'm likely to give in and SI anyway so trying it would be better than nothing. I can see how it could work.

when you say the stress is who you are, are you thinking of certain things you've done (or things you're doing) that you're feeling critical of? or is it more a general sense of not liking yourself in some fundamental way? and how does si help with those kinds of feelings (distraction? punishment? making you feel better about yourself?)

Partly a fundimental dislike of who I am but mainly I guess I meant more that my coping mechanisms seem flawed, that the anxiety and depression that lead me to si are a fundimental part of me and that my inability to cope with them in a better less destructive way are inate to me. But there is a small part that does it because I would rather aim my rage inward than outward like my dad did and does. Not that I have tons of rage, I guess it's kind of a preemtive thing. But si is never a punishment, I find it calming and soothing. No, I take that back occationally I would SI out of anger at myself or frustration (the rage aimed inward thing) but then I would usually use a different m.o. that would be more painful in the longrun than what I'm wanting to do right now.

Gosh I can't believe that I felt the need to qualify the whole "planning to live a while yet." that's kind of pathetic.