bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
No. Let them bleed.

what had happened just before?
I got off the phone with my boyfriend. I read in my friends lj that all of her friends qualified. I didn't. I felt like she met I wasn't her friend. I cried twice yesterday...I cried once Friday. She hurt me so bad by not caring. She hurt me so bad... She hurt me so fucking bad I want to die I don't want to be alive.

what were you thinking and feeling?
I'm just so upset. I want to die.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Yes, no, I don't know. I just feel like my boyfriend's parents hate me and everyone else doesn't care if I die and drown and if I'm so sad I can't stop crying. And I just feel so unwanted or hurt or just betrayed by everyone around me and I thought they were my FRIENDS but I just want to die and they're so far away and if I reached out they wouldn't care. I just want to cry and bleed and never stop until i die...


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
No. Screw this. They hurt me Friday. She hurt me Saturday. And she hurt me Sunday, and she was supposed to be MY friend and she doesn't even realize and I want to die.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
I don't think I've taken my Zoloft for a few days...I keep forgetting. I didn't think I needed it.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I don't care. I wanted to cut. I had the blade in my bedroom.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Screw them. I should have cut deeper and died. Then I'd never need another coping method. That'd be good. No one would care anyway.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
I don't care.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I wish it would go away so I could stop crying.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

Yeah. They'll keep hurting me. And I'll keep cutting, and one day I might have the guts to slit my wrists and then I'll be happy.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

Hey there. I'm kinda short of things to say, because you've made it very clear how hurt you are, and in that situation maybe the only end result was going to be you SI, at this moment in time at least. But the fact you've come here to post suggests (hoping I'm assuming right) that you'd rather that wasn't always your only option. I hope you're feeling a little better at least.

I got off the phone with my boyfriend. I read in my friends lj that all of her friends qualified. I didn't. I felt like she met I wasn't her friend. I cried twice yesterday...I cried once Friday. She hurt me so bad by not caring. She hurt me so bad... She hurt me so fucking bad I want to die I don't want to be alive

Looking at that in a logical way, she was probably meaning the great majority qualified. I'm sure she didn't mean you weren't her friend. Bear in mind your own quote in your siggy about not to let words hurt you, because people don't think about what they're saying. However, I can see how hurtful it sounds. Have you thought about talking to her about it?

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
Yes, no, I don't know. I just feel like my boyfriend's parents hate me and everyone else doesn't care if I die and drown and if I'm so sad I can't stop crying. And I just feel so unwanted or hurt or just betrayed by everyone around me and I thought they were my FRIENDS but I just want to die and they're so far away and if I reached out they wouldn't care. I just want to cry and bleed and never stop until i die...

A lot of this seems to be based on feelings rather than actual events (though I'm sure there's some of them too). Perhaps doing something along the lines of writing down each bad feeling you have, ie "I feel my boyfriend's parents hate me" and then set out to disprove that feeling. A lot of times feelings build up like a sort of paranoia (well they do with me anyhow) and really confronting them can stop them getting to a point where they're unbearable.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
Screw them. I should have cut deeper and died. Then I'd never need another coping method. That'd be good. No one would care anyway.

Hmm, if you're feeling any better than yesterday is there any chance of trying this question again?

I know you're hurt and upset, and right now SI/SU may seem the only way out. But it isn't. Please keep trying to find that way out.

Take care
Andrea