bus

have you taken care of your physiacl wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.

Yes. I'm taking care of them relatively better than I was before.


what had happened just before?

What didn't happen. Loads of work, found out my mom was admitted to hospital and had to have surgery (though everything is okay now).


what were you thinking and feeling?

I was already feeling overwhelmed because I had a lot of homework to do. When this came up, I was just really startled. And I felt bad, because at first I didn't know how serious it was. It was just the apendix. Then there was loads to do at work (which is where I was when I found out). I didn't go to the hospital until afterwards, which I kept getting worried about what other people would say about that. I can't drop everything; my life just doesn't stop. I was going to go after work, which I did. Wasn't able to stay long because she left for more testing, and I had to hit the library and then go home and do more stuff. Everyone else can just drop and go, and I feel bad that I can't. And then I feel that people think ill of me because I can't keep going to the hospital. I plan to visit her after classes tomorrow. I just think that people probably think of me as rude and disrespectful and uncaring. I do care, I really do.


why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?

I've been avoiding hurting myself. Even early today I was going to, but didn't have my stuff. I probably could have just gone home and did work and never hurt myself, but once I found out my mom was in the hospital, and then all those feelings that people were probably viewing me badly came into play, I was just gone. I needed something so that I could focus, because it was becoming this insane repetative bantor in my head.


how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.

I didn't go see her right away. I was at work. Once person at work said that I could go, they could handle it here. But there was stuff, and my boss never said that (though I admit he's on a different planet all week because of health issues in his family). That led to the paranoid thoughts, or whatever you call them. Me beating myself up, and having others beat me up inside my head. Maybe if I would have gone, but then I would have felt guilty for leaving work, because it wasn't as if she was dying. I suppose I could have run over and hung out for a bit and then come back (it was really close to where I was). Of course, then I would have been put behind and it still would have been stressful, only a bit different. Though maybe I would have been too busy to end up hurting myself. I'm not sure.


were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?

Haven't been on meds for at least a year. I've actually been getting lots of sleep, which is unusual for me. Usually I'm up until 11:30. Now I'm lucky if I can make it to 9:30.


what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?

I called my friend on the way home to say how I felt guilty and what not, and how I hated that everyone else could just stop what they were doing. I don't even know if she was paying attention or even cared. She didn't even say anything when I said my mom was admitted to the hospital. I think calling her made me feel worse, actually.


in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?

Not really. I didn't have loads of time, and since I can't do anything else in the car, I decided to call. I had done some homework prior, and that frustrated me. Many times I try coloring and that makes me feel better, but I think I would have actually felt worse because I would tell myself that I'm wasting my time. I really don't know what I could have done, because there didn't seem to be anything else to do.


name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

Many times I think about calling my friend when I'm upset. I don't think I'll do that anymore. I really should not put off homework. That way I could color, which I usually think of, but I dismiss because it's so much quicker to just hurt myself and move on. I feel weird for saying that, because I felt it shouldn't be said, but it's what I think at the time. I guess I don't know anything quick. And I know I should make time for my health, but many times I just put my health to the back.


how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

Kinda. I mean, the issue was pretty much with myself, so it helped. I just have to move on now, and I did--finished my work and everything. So, I guess it's resolved.


are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?

I hope not to be in that situation again. But, hmm, I haven't made myself semi-paranoid with that thinking for awhile. And, really, it wasn't as bad as it used to be. Probably just because of the stressful situation that made me do that. So...I guess if I'm in a sudden, really stressful situation I need to watch out for something like that, because it could happen again.


what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.

I guess I could call my friend again and just chat about whatever. Also, I should do coloring, because that might be helpful. Maybe I could try writing part of this story thing I'm doing. And writing in my lj before I hurt myself, instead of after (though it did still feel good to vent). Or, if I have time, nap. I'm not big on the, and usually can't do them, but with my sudden tiredness lately, maybe I can.

you posted this awhile ago so i'm a bit hesitant to reply properly... was wondering how you were doing & how your mom was doing...

hey.. yeah, perhaps a bit late ..

but I did have a question, when I was reading your post,
I was wondring when you called your friend, what you were hoping that she might say or do, or how she might understand the situation you were in. Like if there is a specific sort of need that talking to her would fill, and if you think you could find that same sort of thing in another place, or with another person? In other words, is there another way to get what you hoped you might get from her?
It sounds like your coping possibilities were limited..

anyhow, take care.

prox.
[I bite my nails, and I like to sleep.]

Plantt: My mom is doing well now. She was in the hospital for 4 days and everything went well. She's back at work and is practically back to her old self now.

Proximity: I think I was just hoping she would say "Oh, I'm sorry, I hope that's she's doing okay" or anything like that. Any acknowledgement. She's known people that have been in the hospital before (her dad once was). Also, I think I wanted her to ask how I was doing, so that I could just talk and get some stress out. Oh well. There's no one else I really talk to. My number of friends is limited, and it seems to have shortened as years have gone by. I don't know what else can take the place.