Before

[onlypurples]

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?
I have too many emotions running through my head right now that I do not know how to deal with in any other way. Hurting myself will help me focus.

What has brought me to this point?
- things going on at work (good things and not so good things)
- I'm nervous about the overnight for work this weekend and rooming with a Social Worker, even though I think she is really cool and is someone I would like to get to know better
- my self-consciousness and parnioia about someone at work finding out that I SI
- family problems
- constant problems with myself
- difficult converstation with a good friend this afternoon
- me not knowing how to deal with my emotions adequately
- food, eating it and not eating enough of it

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
I feel like I am always here or at this same area. I write about what I am feeling, I talk to my best friend, and I play the 15 minute game until I am blue in the face. I felt confused and overwhelmed and all mixed up inside - like a bad plate of rotten scrambled eggs -- very similar, if not the same, to how I feel now. Things have been this way for a while now...

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
- I have called my best friend and heard her voice. Didn't get to talk to her because she isn't feeling well and is very tired. She has reasons to be tired and I know she feels crummy, but she did talk to me for a few minutes... of which I am very grateful.
- I could write, I could stay online, and I could keep on playing the 15 minute game.
- I could write the emotions I am feeling in pen all over my body where I want to hurt myself so I can *see my emotions* on myself.

How do I feel right now?
- very upset
- restless
- confused
- excited
- in need of physicall affection from others
- unloveable
- self-conscious
- nervous
- tense
- scared
- scattered
- sick to my stomach
- tension in my shoulders, back, and down my arms

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
- in control
- relieved that I finally have some resemblence of control for a few minutes
- physical transfering of the mental confusion into something concrete and identifyable, something more manageable than what is in my head
- guilty about adding even more scars to my body so that someone can find out about me at work or somewhere else

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
- very relieved and relaxed
- numb
- hopefully I will be able to sleep
- guilty
- more pressure to hide what I have done tonight

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
I don't believe so. The only thing I can do is learn to better deal with my emotions, but I don't know how to. Everything is so intense and all bottled up right now.

Do I need to hurt myself?
Yes, because right now that is the only thing I know how to do that will for sure make at least some of the pressure go away - even if only for a few minutes.

[eatredapples]

I just want to reply and say that I have read your post. You seem to have done quite a few things to try and not hurt yourself. I hope one of these things do work for you, but if they don't, at least you have tried, and that's all that you can do sometimes.

Is it possible to just go to sleep? That has helped me sometimes. I'll stay online until I get extremely tired, and then I just go to bed (well, I watch Daily Show first, which I find helpful because it makes me laugh). By the next morning that urge is gone or at least lessened. I don't know if that is something you are able to do.

[onlypurples]

Thanks for your response. I didn't cut myself last night like I wanted to. I ate tons of chips instead, which isn't a whole lot better because binging without purging is another way I self-harm. At least all I got in return from the binging was a slightly upset stomach and no more visible scars. I even got some sleep. *hugs*