bus

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

I'll be calm, not twitchy, I'll ba able to sleep. I might not feel so disgusting. |The feeling of empty will go away and so may the temptation to take an overdose.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

It will bring.. release, repsite, hopefully. Peace, calmness.. nothingness for a while. Numbness. The pretty way it looks, gaping open.
It will take away..pain, anger. Self-worth. Being able to say I tried to resist.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I can't see the long run right now. Right now, I can't promise I'll be alive in the morning. I'm not a long term planner and especially not when it's all just started going to hell in a handcart. Maybe that's the problem, that I don't think about the future. The scars, internal and external. The record, the ..borkenness that will always be inside of me. The regrets, wishing I never started, wishing I'd stopped while it was still half curiosity, easy to leave it alone.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

That's *if* there's any release this time.. it's wearing thin to say the least. but maybe for a while I can be numb.. a couple hours at the most..or unitl morning if I fall asleep. Until Nathan comes in and I feel guilty and dirty and shitty again, because I don't deserve him.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

Loud things are out because it's nighttime. I could draw or cry or throw pillows at the floor. drawing.. drawing sounds good. headphones on and music maybe.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I won't i hardly ever feel anything real any more.. that's the problem.. it's all a plastic surface over a gaping void.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

I don't know. I honestly don't. this is the problem, the reason i can't get past hurting myself. because I can't work this bit out. I don't understand the fundamental why? of doing this. I don't know where to start looking for the answer.

*hugs* I hope that things are okay. Drawing sounds like a really good idea. Sorry that I'm not of many words right now, but I just wanted to let you know that I read, and I hope that you are able to work through this.