bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
It would make me feel better, or just something. It's not like I feel numb, but I just feel very blah. I'm here, and that's about it. I've been down lately, about 2-3 weeks now. It's strange, because for the longest time I was doing really well, and sometimes I would feel like I wanted to hurt myself, but then it would go away. Then a couple weeks ago it kept getting stronger and stronger, and it was just overwhelming.

Today was pretty uneventful. I got up later than I first planned, but I was tired. I thought about not going to my two classes today, but I did the homework. Well, I didn't finish it, but that's alright. Only part of it I did correctly, anyway. The class is going to be harder than I thought. I should probably use flashcards because my memory is kinda bad. I just hate sounding dumb in class. Last class I answered something wrong and I felt like a complete moron. No one else got anything wrong when they spoke out loud.

Yesterday we had a meeting at work, and my boss shared something briefly. I guess something is going on in the family, but he wouldn't say what yet until test results or something. He almost started crying, and I've never seen him do that before, so I got teary eyed. Then my co-worker asked if I was crying. I told her I was just misty eyed, and she said something like "oh, good for you," and then another coworker said something like "of course, she's human." I don't know. It didn't really bother me, but it felt strange. They knew that I was depressed and everything, but I think that was about it. That's just stuck with me and making me a bit down, I guess.


Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?

Well, when I was at this point, I would hurt myself. It made me feel better then. Maybe sometimes I would go to a friend's house, but she's not home, or even in state. I can't even call her. That more put off stuff, I guess. It was always 50/50 on whether I would feel better or worse. I tried the rubber band thing, but that didn't really work, because I felt like I wanted more. Um, did coloring, too. That helped some. It's weird, because I used to really hate coloring.


What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?

I've been petting my cat, which is kind of nice. I am also filling this out. As I was driving home I said that I would try this out and try and get things sorted (things are always so jumbled in my head). I do need to do homework, so I can do that. I just want to be able to concentrate and do well on it.


How do I feel right now?

Kinda blah still. Not sad, not happy. I guess like I'm sitting here and everything is going on around me. And maybe I would be going with it, but then I'd have to think of all the stuff I have to do, like for school, and then it just becomes so huge.


How will I feel when I am hurting myself?

Better. At least for awhile. It'll get me to concentrate on something.


How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?

Still fine. I hadn't hurt myself for awhile, but I did a few days ago, before I knew about this board. I just felt like "okay, I did that, it's not too bad" type of thing. Tomorrow morning I'll still probably feel fine. Maybe I'm just not dealing with it. I'm not sure, because I keep telling myself that it won't be like last time.


Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?

I don't think I can avoid it, because school is most of the reason for it. I did procrastinate a bit because I was depressed and didn't finish all of what I should have at the moment. Now I have a bit extra to do. I'm not sure how I should deal with it better, besides maybe planning ahead more. I'm not very good at that.


Do I need to hurt myself?

Probably not. I mean, it doesn't feel like I absolutely need to, but it would make me feel better. Maybe I'll do some homework first.

hey! welcome to bus; i havn't seen you around.

i don't have many words tonight, but i'll try to offer some helpful suggestions anyway. it seems like you're stressed out, and like you said, had schoolwork to do. maybe you could try and plan ahead to allow time for yourself to relax as well. like, set aside an hour to work, then a half hour for tv/reading/whatever you want, and then back to work for a while. i think it's different from person to person, but you could keep trying until you find something that works. what other coping mechanisms do you have? do you have an emergency book/box? do you have someone to call when you're feeling low? posting here is a great start, and can be very helpful in fighting off urges. congratulations on deciding to think this through before you simply just si'ed. even if you do si later, you know that you honestly tried hard not to, by posting this thread.

i'm always here if you want to talk.
love, tara.

Thanks, Tara, for replying. I actually feel much better. I went and did my homework for about 6 hours before I decided to stop. Sometimes I would call a friend, but she's away right now and I can't get ahold of her. I didn't even know she was gone until I called a few days ago to hang out. She's really the only person I talk to. She doesn't know that I si, or that I used to, either, though she knew that I was depressed at one point (she was too, actually, and we both lost touch during that time but started hanging out again and have become really good friends again). I'm hoping she comes back soon because I really want to hang out with someone.

I try and get relaxing time in. Usually driving from work to home, which is a 30min drive about, I relax and maybe make a phone call or two. When I get my homework done I usually go online or watch tv. During the week it's a bit difficult, because I work until 5 or 6, then come home to do work. I just need to do more schoolwork over the weekend. I think I'm going to try more with doing that this weekend, so that my weekdays aren't so bogged down.

You mentioned an emergency book/box. What is that? I do have some coloring pages printed from the net and some colored pencils. I think I read that as an option of what to do. Is that something like you are talking about? I have loads of manga, so maybe I'll try giving them a look when I'm feeling down.

I think I just need to try harder, because maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Thanks for the suggestions--I think the having a relaxing time would be good, so I'm going to try really hard to work that in somehow.

Hi Apples - I'm glad you made it through okay and were able to get your schoolwork done. I find that I get overwhelmed by tasks in front of me and that makes me feel sort of urge-y.

Be gentle with yourself. It sounds like you are a kind and sensitive person and have a lot to be proud of!

Welcome to BUS!
Susie