bus

I don't know how to explain this. I feel like hurting myself, but there isn't really a reason for it. I just feel like it, so most of the questions that are used to base a post on won't make much sense. So, I'm gonna cut and paste the questions that will work.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
I want to quit hurting myself, so in the long run, I want to be done with this. Hurting myself now would ruin that goal. I would feel better right now, but I would have to start counting days over again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
Right now, I am doing this. Starting this thread, and putting my feelings down for others to see. I could also do something that I have meant to do for a while: learn about Tarot, which would get me outside of the house, seeing as I have a deck already and it came with a book.

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
So far, I have done everything I can possibly think of, from journaling to drawing to writing poetry. Some other things that I can do is read or journal, draw, and write some more.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
If I hurt myself, I would feel terrible, because I gave in after 16 days. If I do something else, I will know that it is possible to fight the urge and win.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
Right now, I really want to SI, but I know that I shouldn't. If I go outside and read or journal, I would be honoring the self-protective instinct, because I would be protecting myself from me.

Do I need to hurt myself?
No, but it would make me feel better. I don't need to hurt myself, but I desperately want to. The longer that I fight the urge, the worse it gets, and the more I get suicidal, but I don't need to hurt myself. If the urge to SI or to SU gets bad enough, I can go to the mental hospital or call my T or pdoc.


Hope all of that makes sense.......

Emily

*sits with you* i hate those days where you feel like si'ing, but you can't figure out why, and there's no real reason for it.

i'm glad you've done things to distract yourself from these feelings. and posting here is always a good idea; it can help you think a litlte more about what you're about to do, and decide if it's worth it or not. sorry i don't really have anything constructive to say, but i read, and i'm thinking about you.

pm me if you need someone to talk to.



love, tara.

**great big bear hugs**

I have been there as well. For me si is like an addiction- sometimes I want to do it for its own sake, not because I'm triggered by anything else. Kudos for fighting the urge! Keep taking care of you, and pm if you need someone to talk to.