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how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
i'll be able to think of something else. i'll be calmer in preparation for the presentation tomorrow and the essay i have to write.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
as well as calm and peace, it will further worry my boyfriend, be a problem when it comes to hiding it, and mean that i'll be getting back to an old frequency, almost.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to be able to deal with the stress i put on myself. self harm will neither push me away or bring me closer to dealing with it, just put it on hold.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
it'll last until tomorrow, until my boyfriend sees. i'll then build up to needing it again.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
i could go to bed. it would postpone it and mean i feel worse tomorrow, if i get to sleep. it wont change the situation other than making me feel worse, and then i may do it more often and worse.

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i wont really care if i do. i'll be frustrated if i don't, and more willing to do drastic things in the faculty loos...

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to self harm, and i want to go to sleep afterwards and not have the dreams. i want to be warm and not have to get up early tomorrow and do all the things i have written for tomorrow. i want kit to hold on to, or s to talk to.

have you taken care of your physical wounds? if not, go do that now. we'll wait.
just about to. *tidies up* ok.

what had happened just before?
a long lonely evening working on an essay and a presentation for tomorrow.

what were you thinking and feeling?
tired, numb, lonely, selfish, ridiculous, pointless and frustrated.

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was the final straw? what was it?
thinking about tomorrow, and yesterday, and last week, and how tired i am of it, and how i want to feel different. i have been wanting to for several days and have put it off.

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.
it kind of sauntered to it. it was the sitting there, thinking of everything at once, about how i feel about myself, work, friends, my life. i could have gone out.

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
no, no alcohol tonight, otherwise it would have been worse.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
distracting myself on the computer, working hard, eating, watching something funny. it just prolonged it and made it worse.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
i could have gone out. i need to get past the block of thinking that no-one will be pleased to see me. i could have let one of my friends ring me, instead of saying no.

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
i will make myself go out of my room, i will write a note to myself now.
i will try to start an emergency box.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
it'll carry on, because its all wound up with the next eight weeks. as i tick things off, it'll get better, and as i get some feedback on the work i'm doing, i might feel like it's paying off. at the moment, i can't do enough, because i dont know how much i should be doing.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. it's pretty constant at the moment. it's the evenings that are the worst, when i get really lonely.

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
going out. i will buy an agatha christie book tomorrow as distraction; i don't have anything fun to read. i will try to talk to someone who is around, i should try to open up to a friend i trust here, as well as my poor boyfriend, who i cant go to because he is pulling an all-nighter.

i will also buy some proper bandages and some antiseptic cream.

demidivine: i'm searching for words tonight, but unfortunately my brain can't function because i'm sick. so this will be short...

1. congratulations on posting before you did anything. even though you ended up si'ing, you at least tried to distract yourself.
2. if okay...

i'm always here if you need me. i hope things get less stressful soon.
love, tara.

thank you... this was just for me to think it through. i'm beginning to think beforehand, which i think is progress.

thank you... hope you get well soon...

nicki xxx