bus

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

i'll feel more alive. and real, and not dead and empty or numb. i can't do anything else to take away this feeling right now.

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

it will bring feeling back. i think.

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to feel alive again. i don't think hurting myself will get me farther away. it will help temporarily, because i don't have any other options.

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

i'll get through the night. then i'll be with friends tomorrow, and able to do physical stuff. that always works.

5.what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?

i don't know... but i need help quick.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

i don't know yet.

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

i want someone to hold me and tell me i'm okay. and i want to feel special.

tara.

i want to feel alive again.

how do you feel when you're feeling alive? what is it about hurting yourself that gets you there— the physical sensation? the emotional meaning of what you've done?

i want someone to hold me and tell me i'm okay. and i want to feel special.

reading this, i wondered whether your feeling dead is somehow linked to feeling disconnected from people? and whether finding a way to re-connect could help when you're feeling like this?

i'm sorry you're having such a bad night. i hope you get through it okay.

dragonfly

i hope you're ok. if it's any help, you helped me so much last night that i didn't, and went to sleep instead. you are a clever and patient and good person for talking to me in that mood, and i'm immensely grateful.

so you *are* special.

i hope you made it through the night ok, and are having a good day today, with friends and fun and exercise.

thank you so much silverdragonfly and demidivine. you're both wonderful people.

silverdragonfly wrote:how do you feel when you're feeling alive? what is it about hurting yourself that gets you there— the physical sensation? the emotional meaning of what you've done?

i just feel more real, and more important. it's definately the physical sensation; it's easier to feel than emotional things.

silverdragonfly wrote:reading this, i wondered whether your feeling dead is somehow linked to feeling disconnected from people? and whether finding a way to re-connect could help when you're feeling like this?

thanks for bringing this up... i hadn't really thought about it in relation to feeling numb. but i'll try and find ways to feel more connected next time i'm numb.

i didn't si last night.
tara.