bus

I am seeing a pattern of when I really get to a point where I feel I need to hurt myself. The last few weeks it's been every Saturday....I realize it's Sunday today, but I cannot always get privacy to get to the computer and that's what happened last night.


How will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
1. I will feel better.
2. The physical pain will take away the awful intense emotional pain.
3. My totally out of control world will fill in control for a period of time. If it starts to feel out of control again I usually re-injure the area to gain some control back...

What will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation? On one hand, I will feel like I can be the strong one again and "handle" whatever is thrown at me. On the other hand if anyone see's what I did, I will feel so guilty it will just make it worse.

How do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

I want to be able to feel in control of my world for the long term, not just a temporary amount of time. My marriage, my kids, my work. Right now I am having problems in all three areas and it just feels like too much some times and out of control.


If hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

If I hurt myself right now, it will depend on the extent of the injury. But still it will only be short term. It's a bandaid not a solution.


What is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
I can use some of the tools my therapist gave me and pretend she's right there talking me through.

I can go for a walk.

I can post a "before" post instead of an "after" post.



How will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

I will feel better if I could make it through without hurting myself. If I do, I have to be able to accept my self even though I hurt myself until I can stop.


What do I really want to do right now? how can I best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

Honestly, I want to get off the computer step out of my current world into one where I know my marriage is healthy and will stay together. I world where I don't have to worry every second about my 14 year old son who has recently become facisnated with fires and explosives. What happened to my son??? I want a world where I can go to work and have confidence that I can do a great job and help others do the same. Right now my management thinks I can do anything and give me stuff they feel other people in my area can't handle. I feel like I can't handle it either. I always do it and find some way to get through. They are happy. But inside it was a nightmare for me. They don't understand that I'm not that great.

I'd better go now I went and started crying. Hard to go out and conquer the world crying isn't it. I guess I'll just do the best I can for today.

Thanks for listening.

Hi Terri - I just wanted to let you know that I read your post and am thinking of you!

Hugs,
Susie

I am seeing a pattern of when I really get to a point where I feel I need to hurt myself. The last few weeks it's been every Saturday....I realize it's Sunday today, but I cannot always get privacy to get to the computer and that's what happened last night.

having seen this pattern, is there any chance you could schedule something on saturdays, like time for yourself in which you did something positive, or that helped you to de-stress or whatever?

Right now my management thinks I can do anything and give me stuff they feel other people in my area can't handle. I feel like I can't handle it either. I always do it and find some way to get through. They are happy. But inside it was a nightmare for me. They don't understand that I'm not that great.

that does sound like a lot of pressure. it's impressive that you always figure it out, but i can see how it would be hard to feel like you have to keep living up to that. it doesn't sound like you feel like there is any room for you to make mistakes, or to not be able to always solve everything?

I'd better go now I went and started crying. Hard to go out and conquer the world crying isn't it. I guess I'll just do the best I can for today.

i'm sorry that you are hurting so much. i hear that you're dealing with a lot, and are in a lot of pain. does it help at all to get emotional and let yourself process it? i'm just thinking that sometimes a good cry can sometimes calm me down and help me cope.

please take care.

dragonfly

Thanks to Susie and Dragonfly. It really helps when your trying to dig yourself out of a hole to know someone is along side of you with a shovel.

Dragonfly - you had some great insight. I just started a class on Saturdays, 2-hours, one that I enjoy to try and get some alone, non-pressure time. I really was on a natural high when I got out of class at noon. I came home. My husband had bought me 2 bouquets of flowers, registered and washed my car. I couldn't have asked for more. I still ended up going downhill by late afternoon. I'll make note of it and try to be alert to it next weekend....

The other two you are right on. I don't know how to feel any different. I have been the strong one in all aspects of my life for so long that now that I have lost the strength I feel overwhelmed...After reading your response I set up a meeting with my boss to talk about my latest project and see if she can help me get it into perspective.

Thanks again,

Terri