bus

Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
not having custody of my kids. phsycially ill. not sleeping. stressed. overwhelmed. beginning to hate my job again.

Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
si'd i felt suicidal before. i'm not quite there at the moment, but definietly in the "i need to run away" mode. i could get drunk but that most definitely would make me feel *su*

What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
i've played in games, posted in my place, arc, my lj, im'd with a friend. cried. called into work cuz i just can't go tomorrow. need to talk to my t but that's not an option till 0830 tomorrow. i've eaten tonite. i've watched tv. i've petted the cat.

How do I feel right now?
unbelievably sad, overwhelmed, and exhausted. completely exhausted.

How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
like a loser. but then (hopefully) numbness will set in.

How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
numbness maybe. tomorrw? upset with myself for giving in and si'ing.

Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
1--need a new job
2--need custody of my kids back...longterm process
3--need to be physically well (at least another week)

yes i can deal better when i'm not sick and tired (no pun intended)

Do I need to hurt myself?
no

how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
the situation won't. i might feel different. but si'ing isn't working as well as it used to.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
i don't wanna feel. it will take away feeling all the sh** inside of me. now i'm feeling guilty for calling in to work in the morning. but i'm not safe to be working. this tired and ill isn't safe for any nurse to work.

how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
i want to be phsycially well. i want to be able to speak my mind (with tact and politeness) to baby's mom and not take the verbal abuse from her. i want to feel strong.

hurting won't get me there. i'll just feel like a big loser and even weaker.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
idk if i'll even get relief. hopefull i'd sleep till morning then i could call my t. i need to take my sleeping pill (yes just one) maybe i could sleep then.

what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
see above. i'll be rested. that'll help with my feeling oevrwhelmed. change won't last long. *sigh*

how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
i'll feel guilty if i si. i'll hopefull feel rested but probly also doped up.

what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
i want to sleep. i want to stand up for myself to baby's mom AND my boss.

Hey Swannie!

Wanted to drop off some hugs for you. I haven't been around much to be supportive and I'm sorry about that. I'm going to go back and read your post now, but I wanted to get this in before my husband gets home.

Love,

Wendy

Sorry so much is going on Swannie. I know I feel urgy when I've been sick and am still recovering. Add to that the custody of your kids and an abusive employer and it's really hard. I couldn't say anything better than what you've already said. You're right it will just make you feel worse about yourself if you cut. Are there additional positive things you could do to be nice to yourself. You really deserve some nice things!

Love you!

Wendy

thanks wendy. i spent half of today sleeping off my sleepingpill. then i tried to get outof the house and function. bought a new air filter. so i guess i can change that tonight.

but it's only 725 pm and the night is still young.

oh yeah---i didn't si.