bus

I don't know if this is an improvement or a slide into something easier. I got very antsy and wanted to SI this afternoon. I didn't do any of the things I "commited" to doing last time I cut. I know what would have been the most effective and that is calling my T which I have permission and even encouragement to do. Felt like such a fool last time I did though -- so needy and dependent. Have a few judgments on those things obviously. What I didn't do is cut. Just needles -- won't get more graphic than that. I don't know if it's even proper SI or not -- no real injury to speak of but it works pretty much the same way in calming me down and helping me feel more in control. It's nice that there are no scars to hide. Problem is that there are no scars to hide, so not much motivative to avoid behavior. I'm pretty sure using your skin in whatever fashion to cope with your emotions is not a good thing. Maybe it's an improvement because it's less injurious. Maybe it's just a cheat.

If it's okay, I think I won't bother to go download the steps this time. The stressors were having been sick for two days, having had sex, and having husband discuss budget and lack of fund for a counselor -- the last one is probably the biggest stressor.

I feel less ansty -- not great -- but not urgy either. Just kind of okay.

Tomorrow, I'll be disappointed that I didn't choose another option. Monday I'll have to decide whether to tell my T and I'm leaning towards not -- what's the point. I'll just get so shameful that I probably won't get much work on anything else done.

What I tried was nothing. I seriously considered calling, but partly because that is so embarassing I didn't and partly because I wanted the relief and didn't want to be talked out of it.

What I'll try next time -- hopefully the same things I commited to last time. Very disappointed in myself for not keeping my last commitment, so not inclined to make another one. But that is the direction I'm going to try to head.

Wendy

hi wendy

yeah, im kinda out of words that make sense to me. i replied to your funds thing on felo. i dont think you must feel bad that you didnt follow your steps, sometimes si is more than just an urge or a need. i think you must try to follow the steps next time. speak to your t about your slip. even if just to appease you. if you are not totally honest, you may find yourself wondering that maybe in 2 months you want to discuss this slip but are scared to bc you didnt tell her and then you mix dates up and you start worrying what you said and didnt, which leads to you being more closed and lying more to cover up this lie and before you know it all trust and openess is gone from your relationship with your t, and not even for a decent reason.

so that previous bit almost confuses me. i think, bottom line, tell her. even if you start with, t (?) i slipped, i dont want to discuss it right now but i just want you to know. i think for your own sake this is a nescessity.

noel

Yeah,you're probably right Noel. I'll say something or maybe I'll just print out this post. Tell her she can read it later --she never has her reading glasses with her in session!