after

[Aly]

1.Why do I feel I need to hurt myself?
because it will make me feel better, it will help me to see things clearer, it will stop me hurting inside, it will stop me thinking im a fucked up piece of shit, it will make me less angry, it will make me more in control
What has brought me to this point?
talking about it today, thinking about it, the fact that I want to do it most days, and until i lost my knife did it most days, the fact that it seems that everyone thinks that, noone understands even when i try to tell them, the fact that i lie about how often i cut, and when i last cut myself

2.Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it?
yes, I cut myself
How did I feel then?
bloody damn good. felt like i wanted to feel

3.What I have done to ease this discomfort so far?
nothing, i want to cut, i dntwnt to do anything else but cut
What else can I do that won't hurt me? i dont care, i just want to be able to cut myself. nothing else will give me the release i want to get. nothing else will always remnd me that i have a way to deal with things when the pain and confusion gets too much.

4.How do I feel right now?
i feel like cutting, like iv told too many people, that noone understands, that noone loves me, that noone will care if i cut myself, that noone will care if i die. I feel guilty that iv lied to so many people i care for about when i last cut, and that i want to stop cutting, and that im trying to stop. i dont want to stop, and im not trying to. I feel guilty that i know i will cut, but that it will disappoint and hurt so many people, i feel upset tht i cn only tell 2 ppl rly wen i feel crap cos noone els will undastand. i cn only tell those ppl when i wnt to cut, n the fact tht i dnt wanna stop cos anyone els will get angry n mad at me for it. n i dnt want to tell them, cos it will hurt them, it will cut them up, it will make them think less of me, it will make them respect me and value me less, it will make them dislike me and bvelieve tht i am not worth any effort because i still wont stop even though they put so much effort into trying to get me to stop. i feel guilty tht i enjoy cutting myself, tht i like cutting myself, tht i dnt wnt to stop, tht i dnt feel i cn stop, cos so many ppl believe tht i cn, and will think so much less of me tht i wnt to carry on n like it. I feel guilty tht i cnt stop for anyone, even the ppl i care about most.

5.How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
probably good. and relieved, and less guilty and more in control and totally consumed in what im doing.

6.How will I feel after hurting myself?
erm, guilty tht i did it again, tht i
gave into it again, but clear minded, focused, good about myself, and pleased tht i dnt feel bad anymore.
How will I feel tomorrow morning?
incredibly guilty, but i love the look of my scars, i will no longer feel good about anything, and will probs want to cut again, i will try to hide what iv dun, bt at the same time wnt to tell everyone. i will feel happier thn i did before i cut, bt no tht it will build up again befor the end of the day. then i will feel as if its ridiculous cuttin cos it goes after such a short period of time, and all the feelings come bck, with the added guilt tht i did it again.

7.Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
i could...i suppose, bt i dnt want to. i like this way. i like the blood, i like the scars, i like how it makes me feel. i dnt wnt to deal with it ne otha way, this is the best way for me to deal with the emotions im feeling inside.

8.Do I need to hurt myself?
yes, i have no other way to relieve the pain and guilt and confusion tht i feel.

[Wandering]

Hello - thought I'd just give you some of my thoughts on what you've written.

It seems quite clear (and correct me if I'm wrong) that one of the major things you're struggling with is that people who know about your SI want and expect you to stop, while you don't feel you can/want to. From my experience, trying to stop for other people's sake is never going to work, it might help, but you need to really want to stop for you, because it's only you who can stop yourself doing it. As you don't seem to be in a place where you want to/feel you can stop, I don't think its really gonna happen - you need to come to a point where you want to stop for you, not just because you feel you should because of others.

Maybe there's some way you can talk to the people who are wanting you to stop, and explain that you can't just drop a huge part of your life when you don't feel you can cope without it. Maybe write down how you feel, and explain how taking away the SI won't mean you're cured anyhow, as its a symptom of the underlying things.

n i dnt want to tell them, cos it will hurt them, it will cut them up, it will make them think less of me, it will make them respect me and value me less, it will make them dislike me and bvelieve tht i am not worth any effort because i still wont stop even though they put so much effort into trying to get me to stop

I disagree with you saying that it'll make them dislike you. If they're putting effort into helping you, then they obviously care about you, and I don't think they'll suddenly give up on you if you tell them you don't feel you're ready to stop SI. Could you maybe think of some other ways for them to 'help' that aren't related to SI? Just so they don't feel useless?

If you're gonna stop you need to get some coping methods into your life, ones which aren't harmful, because right now the major way you use to get through things is SI, and as you say you need a way to deal with things. Even if you don't feel you want to stop SI right now, perhaps you could start building some things into your life that might help you cope? Maybe before you SI you could write down how you're feeling, not as a 'I must not SI' but as a way to start looking at what is making you SI, so when you want to try and do it less, you have some way of seeing what triggers you, etc.

I don't think its wrong to not want to stop - after all SI has probably got you through some rough times. But the whole fact that you've posted here suggests you aren't happy with the situation.

I hope something in my long ramble might have helped

Andi

[Wandering]

Hello - thought I'd just give you some of my thoughts on what you've written.

It seems quite clear (and correct me if I'm wrong) that one of the major things you're struggling with is that people who know about your SI want and expect you to stop, while you don't feel you can/want to. From my experience, trying to stop for other people's sake is never going to work, it might help, but you need to really want to stop for you, because it's only you who can stop yourself doing it. As you don't seem to be in a place where you want to/feel you can stop, I don't think its really gonna happen - you need to come to a point where you want to stop for you, not just because you feel you should because of others.

Maybe there's some way you can talk to the people who are wanting you to stop, and explain that you can't just drop a huge part of your life when you don't feel you can cope without it. Maybe write down how you feel, and explain how taking away the SI won't mean you're cured anyhow, as its a symptom of the underlying things.

n i dnt want to tell them, cos it will hurt them, it will cut them up, it will make them think less of me, it will make them respect me and value me less, it will make them dislike me and bvelieve tht i am not worth any effort because i still wont stop even though they put so much effort into trying to get me to stop

I disagree with you saying that it'll make them dislike you. If they're putting effort into helping you, then they obviously care about you, and I don't think they'll suddenly give up on you if you tell them you don't feel you're ready to stop SI. Could you maybe think of some other ways for them to 'help' that aren't related to SI? Just so they don't feel useless?

If you're gonna stop you need to get some coping methods into your life, ones which aren't harmful, because right now the major way you use to get through things is SI, and as you say you need a way to deal with things. Even if you don't feel you want to stop SI right now, perhaps you could start building some things into your life that might help you cope? Maybe before you SI you could write down how you're feeling, not as a 'I must not SI' but as a way to start looking at what is making you SI, so when you want to try and do it less, you have some way of seeing what triggers you, etc.

I don't think its wrong to not want to stop - after all SI has probably got you through some rough times. But the whole fact that you've posted here suggests you aren't happy with the situation.

I hope something in my long ramble might have helped

Andi

[Aly]

thankyou for replying....
you hit the nail on the head when u said that ppl who know bout my SI want me to stop whereas i do not want to....that is precisly how i feel....
the main person who wants me to stop, and who makes me feel bad when i tell her i seem to have failed again, gets mad at me...when i tell her i feel urgy, or i tell her i cut the previous night, she gets mad. as in yells at me....asks me why, and then when i cant provide an answer that clearly shows it was a particular event, she also gets mad.....and ive tried not telling her, but she'll ask, and when i wont talk to her bout it, she'll either pull up my sleeve or pull my skirt up, so she can see whether ive cut or not.....THIS is the reason ill feel theyll dislike me when if i dont suceed. She gets angry when ive cut again...and i dont know how to make her see that she hurts me so much...she wont understand or even listen when i tell her i dont wanna stop. maybe its bad to judge how people will react on just one persons reaction, but i just cant seem to help it.

If you're gonna stop you need to get some coping methods into your life, ones which aren't harmful, because right now the major way you use to get through things is SI, and as you say you need a way to deal with things. Even if you don't feel you want to stop SI right now, perhaps you could start building some things into your life that might help you cope? Maybe before you SI you could write down how you're feeling, not as a 'I must not SI' but as a way to start looking at what is making you SI, so when you want to try and do it less, you have some way of seeing what triggers you, etc.

the thing about finding alternative coping methods, are that there are inevitably gunna be ones that i try that'll not work, and therefore make me believe that none will. i know this is irrational, but i cant help it...its taken me a long time to find a way to cope, unfortunatly that way is SI, but it helps...i dont wanna have to go through that whole process again, finding ways that dont work, and making me feel even worse along the way...
i kinda know what things trigger me...i talk bout it a bit with some of my friends, and this coming yr im seeing someone (a teacher who i trust) at sch. bout it, and someone outa school as well....i often write letters to ppl, but find it pointless if i dont then let them read them, however i say so much in them, let the real me shine through that i find i cannot possibly let people read them.....and then i feel like its pointless writing letters....and i cannot write things purely for me, with no aparent (at least when im writing it) reason to do so.....sorry, im know im not making it easy for ppl to help me.

you helped a lot Andi, thankyou so much
xxxtake carexxx

[Aly]

thankyou for replying....
you hit the nail on the head when u said that ppl who know bout my SI want me to stop whereas i do not want to....that is precisly how i feel....
the main person who wants me to stop, and who makes me feel bad when i tell her i seem to have failed again, gets mad at me...when i tell her i feel urgy, or i tell her i cut the previous night, she gets mad. as in yells at me....asks me why, and then when i cant provide an answer that clearly shows it was a particular event, she also gets mad.....and ive tried not telling her, but she'll ask, and when i wont talk to her bout it, she'll either pull up my sleeve or pull my skirt up, so she can see whether ive cut or not.....THIS is the reason ill feel theyll dislike me when if i dont suceed. She gets angry when ive cut again...and i dont know how to make her see that she hurts me so much...she wont understand or even listen when i tell her i dont wanna stop. maybe its bad to judge how people will react on just one persons reaction, but i just cant seem to help it.

If you're gonna stop you need to get some coping methods into your life, ones which aren't harmful, because right now the major way you use to get through things is SI, and as you say you need a way to deal with things. Even if you don't feel you want to stop SI right now, perhaps you could start building some things into your life that might help you cope? Maybe before you SI you could write down how you're feeling, not as a 'I must not SI' but as a way to start looking at what is making you SI, so when you want to try and do it less, you have some way of seeing what triggers you, etc.

the thing about finding alternative coping methods, are that there are inevitably gunna be ones that i try that'll not work, and therefore make me believe that none will. i know this is irrational, but i cant help it...its taken me a long time to find a way to cope, unfortunatly that way is SI, but it helps...i dont wanna have to go through that whole process again, finding ways that dont work, and making me feel even worse along the way...
i kinda know what things trigger me...i talk bout it a bit with some of my friends, and this coming yr im seeing someone (a teacher who i trust) at sch. bout it, and someone outa school as well....i often write letters to ppl, but find it pointless if i dont then let them read them, however i say so much in them, let the real me shine through that i find i cannot possibly let people read them.....and then i feel like its pointless writing letters....and i cannot write things purely for me, with no aparent (at least when im writing it) reason to do so.....sorry, im know im not making it easy for ppl to help me.

you helped a lot Andi, thankyou so much
xxxtake carexxx

[Aly]

thankyou for replying....
you hit the nail on the head when u said that ppl who know bout my SI want me to stop whereas i do not want to....that is precisly how i feel....
the main person who wants me to stop, and who makes me feel bad when i tell her i seem to have failed again, gets mad at me...when i tell her i feel urgy, or i tell her i cut the previous night, she gets mad. as in yells at me....asks me why, and then when i cant provide an answer that clearly shows it was a particular event, she also gets mad.....and ive tried not telling her, but she'll ask, and when i wont talk to her bout it, she'll either pull up my sleeve or pull my skirt up, so she can see whether ive cut or not.....THIS is the reason ill feel theyll dislike me when if i dont suceed. She gets angry when ive cut again...and i dont know how to make her see that she hurts me so much...she wont understand or even listen when i tell her i dont wanna stop. maybe its bad to judge how people will react on just one persons reaction, but i just cant seem to help it.

If you're gonna stop you need to get some coping methods into your life, ones which aren't harmful, because right now the major way you use to get through things is SI, and as you say you need a way to deal with things. Even if you don't feel you want to stop SI right now, perhaps you could start building some things into your life that might help you cope? Maybe before you SI you could write down how you're feeling, not as a 'I must not SI' but as a way to start looking at what is making you SI, so when you want to try and do it less, you have some way of seeing what triggers you, etc.

the thing about finding alternative coping methods, are that there are inevitably gunna be ones that i try that'll not work, and therefore make me believe that none will. i know this is irrational, but i cant help it...its taken me a long time to find a way to cope, unfortunatly that way is SI, but it helps...i dont wanna have to go through that whole process again, finding ways that dont work, and making me feel even worse along the way...
i kinda know what things trigger me...i talk bout it a bit with some of my friends, and this coming yr im seeing someone (a teacher who i trust) at sch. bout it, and someone outa school as well....i often write letters to ppl, but find it pointless if i dont then let them read them, however i say so much in them, let the real me shine through that i find i cannot possibly let people read them.....and then i feel like its pointless writing letters....and i cannot write things purely for me, with no aparent (at least when im writing it) reason to do so.....sorry, im know im not making it easy for ppl to help me.

you helped a lot Andi, thankyou so much
xxxtake carexxx

[Wandering]

the main person who wants me to stop, and who makes me feel bad when i tell her i seem to have failed again, gets mad at me...when i tell her i feel urgy, or i tell her i cut the previous night, she gets mad. as in yells at me....asks me why, and then when i cant provide an answer that clearly shows it was a particular event, she also gets mad.....and ive tried not telling her, but she'll ask, and when i wont talk to her bout it, she'll either pull up my sleeve or pull my skirt up, so she can see whether ive cut or not.....THIS is the reason ill feel theyll dislike me when if i dont suceed. She gets angry when ive cut again...and i dont know how to make her see that she hurts me so much...she wont understand or even listen when i tell her i dont wanna stop. maybe its bad to judge how people will react on just one persons reaction, but i just cant seem to help it.

The reason she gets angry at you is probably because she feels hopeless - that doesn't excuse her behaviour by any means, but its probably (and I know I'm assuming here) not because she actually dislikes you for doing it. Still...doesn't sound easy at all. How much does she know about SI? As people are often a bit scared of things they don't really understand? She really needs to learn that forcing you to let her know if you've cut or not doesn't help, but I don't have any particularly bright ideas about how you can do that. Maybe direct her to a friends and family board, on a different site if not here.

the thing about finding alternative coping methods, are that there are inevitably gunna be ones that i try that'll not work, and therefore make me believe that none will. i know this is irrational, but i cant help it...its taken me a long time to find a way to cope, unfortunatly that way is SI, but it helps...i dont wanna have to go through that whole process again, finding ways that dont work, and making me feel even worse along the way...

Could you perhaps just try things for a set time - for example, say to yourself, I'll try going for a 1/2 hour walk, and if I don't feel any better, I'll SI. Because that's only putting off the SI for a short time, not completely ruling it out. Maybe try to work out how long you think you can cope without SI, and fill that time with an alternative way of coping. If it doesn't work, you've lost nothing, and let yourself SI. But if it makes you feel a bit better, you know in future you can always try it again.

i kinda know what things trigger me...i talk bout it a bit with some of my friends, and this coming yr im seeing someone (a teacher who i trust) at sch. bout it, and someone outa school as well.

Good

i often write letters to ppl, but find it pointless if i dont then let them read them, however i say so much in them, let the real me shine through that i find i cannot possibly let people read them.....and then i feel like its pointless writing letters....and i cannot write things purely for me, with no aparent (at least when im writing it) reason to do so...

Have you tried keeping them and looking back over them at intervals? I dunno, maybe it won't be something that helps you (everyone's different) but I find looking back, seeing how I felt, why, how I tried to deal with it, what the outcome was, sometimes helps me realise I got through such and such a situation once, so I can do so again.

sorry, im know im not making it easy for ppl to help me

Heh, have you read any of my posts?! I don't make it easy for people either

Hope your day's been ok

Andi

[Aly]

thanks for all your help Andi...i really appreciate it.....J (my friend) doesnt know a lot bout SI, and i know that that's probably the reason shes so unreasonable bout it, but its so hard to deal with ehr supposedly getting angry.....

Could you perhaps just try things for a set time - for example, say to yourself, I'll try going for a 1/2 hour walk, and if I don't feel any better, I'll SI. Because that's only putting off the SI for a short time, not completely ruling it out. Maybe try to work out how long you think you can cope without SI, and fill that time with an alternative way of coping. If it doesn't work, you've lost nothing, and let yourself SI. But if it makes you feel a bit better, you know in future you can always try it again.

K, that make's sense, yesterday i went for a really long walk, and it did make me feel better....i like the idea of a time limit as well....thank-you...that's really helped me.....i shall do that in the future...thank-you angel!

i do keep all the letters...they're in an old exercise book, and now a new diary type thing, but its only letters...i do sometimes read back over them, and, i guess in a way they help, but theyr usually to someone called Will, and iuno, he doesnt rly tlk to me nemor, so it kinda meks me feel a bit blergh...lol

Thank you SO much for all your hlp Andi, I really appreciate it!

xxxtake carexxx

[Wendy]

Hi Agent Alice,

I relate to a lot of what you wrote in your original post. I very much relate to wanting the quick fix and the guilt that follows. I also know that not everyone is safe to tell. There are a lot of very significant people in my life I don't tell, because it would just be harder on me and them. It's important to have a few safe people -- do you have someone like that who can hear and care and not freak out? It does have to be for you and the more people try to force you to stop the more you're likely to hang on to it. Part of changing any behavior is accepting it first and with someone breathing down your neck that's hard.

Take gentle care of yourself!

Wendy