i want to be in control again

[nicki_98_1]

Im answering these questions to prevent myself from harming, i dont want this feeling anymore. I feel guilty all f the time, like i have a big secret that ive done something terrible, similar i imagine to having comitted a crime and walked away. That feeling tht you will neer be good enough, you will always be evil, thats wanti want to negate in myself. Just for a while, just for a break.


how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?

If i do this i will feel better, hurting myself will make all of the bad feelings disappear for a while. They will not be real.

what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?

Hurting myselff will bring imediate relief, ill forget all in my head and concentrate on this 'real' pain. However when its over ill hate myself twice as much, as ill have more stuff to hide.


how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?

i want to forget al the hurt inside me. Hurting myself will get me closer imedietly to this, but in the long run ill be further away from acheiving this. kinda like one step forwards five back, this rational thinking makes sense, but i wanna do this to feel in control again, its my thing, i can handle this.

if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?

want the relief to last forever, want to hurt in a controlled way, not in this way that i dont understand why i feel like it, why it hits so hard. If i hurt myself, i say when and how much i can take.


how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?

ill hate myself for it, i wont be abe to loo at myself. If i dont do it ill still feel the same, i just need that relief that will last however long it lasts. Ill still tomorrow not be able to control the feelings in my head.


what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?

now, i really want to hurt, i want to hurt so that i feel human again, ill take of my injurys in a way that i cant take care of my head, i want to feel like me again, so i dont have to think bout my shit. I wont hurt myself. but i need to. Some relief from feeling this way, to stop the downward spiral that im in at the moment. I need my head to stop it. I need the deep dark feeling in the very pit of my soul to leave, if i self harm this will temporarily go. Its a way out for a few hours.

cant think anymore. Feels like ill explode, trying to rationalise my feelings that i dont understand. Feel like im losing everything, ill be left with nothing but my si.

[Laura]

Hi

Sorry you were feeling so bad last night. How are you now? Did you manage to resist?

You talked a lot about feelings of guilt. Do you have an idea of where you got those from, or of how the SI helps with them? What else might help?

Sorry I don't have anything majorly intelligent to say here I just saw you'd posted and there doesn't seem to be many people around.

You're in my thoughts, Nicki. Take care
Laura

[nicki_98_1]

Hi Laura

Thanx for replying. I did manage to resist, i dont know what made me stop, but i do know that i feel better for not hurting myself. I woke with a kinda relief that i didnt have to hide anything new.
My feelings of guilt still go back to when my dad died, i rationally know that its not my fault, yet i still feel responsible forletting him go out. Dont know if that makes any sense i have no idea.
What i do know is that hurting myself gives me a feeling of control, i guess i need to get this feeling without hurting myself and i feel i made a steptowards that through this post and exploring things in my head.

Thanx for caring. Hope that you are doing ok over the festive period.

Luv Nicki xx

[Wandering]

What i do know is that hurting myself gives me a feeling of control, i guess i need to get this feeling without hurting myself and i feel i made a steptowards that through this post and exploring things in my head.

Have you tried the 15 minute rule thing? Where you tell yourself you have to wait 15 minutes, then try another 15, and see how long you can go? (I'm sure you get the idea!) I'm just thinking if a lot of it is about feeling you have more control over things when you SI, then perhaps you can change your thinking so you control yourself so you don't cut? I may be a long way off, but its just an idea

Well done for managing to make it through - that's brilliant.

Take care
Andi