bus

Have you taken care of your physical wounds?

Yes

What had happened right before?

It had just been building since my counseling appointment yesterday. I also had read something on BUS that I related to too much and just got me thinking about how much SI'ing helps these feelings.

What were you thinking and feeling?

I was feeling like a jerk who needed to be beat up because I couldn't get my feelings under control and my act together. I just feel I have no excuse for feeling this way -- I haven't been through anything like so many people on this board have. I've had a pretty darn good life.

Why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? Was there an event that was the final straw? What was it?

I just got fed up with feeling this way and needed to get some focus and get some stuff done. I think I've already addressed the last questions.

How did the situation get to the final straw stage? Trace it back through the events that led up to the last even. Look for some point at which you could have made a different decision and not arrived at the final straw.

It got to the last straw because I just kept getting madder at myself for what I was feeling which just made me feel worse. I also felt scared because my husband was coming home and I hadn't gotten much done because I was so scattered. That made the feelings worse too. When my counselor called to reschedule my appointment and asked how I was I told her I was okay. I should have told her the truth. I should have called my friend C for help and support. Instead I just buried my head in my own garbage. I wanted to get on line to post but my husband was home so I had no privacy to do so.

Were there outside factors like drugs, alcohol, being off yor meds, lack of sleep, etc? Can you address those in the future? How?

No to the substance abuse. I'm not on meds. I am way behind on my sleep and I'm sure that isn't helping. I'm always more vulnerable then. I'm also PMSing right now which doesn't help. I can make a better effort to set boundaries with my husband and get more sleep. I'm not to sure what to do about PMS. I frequently don't get through this stage of the month without SI'ing.

What other ways of coping did you try besdies self-harm? How well did they work?

I wrote my therapist a letter talking about how I feel. I pet my dog. Took a short drive. That's about it. Obviously it wasn't enough.

In retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? What were they?

I had recent recommended to another BUSSER that they should journal, exercise, and reach out and honestly ask for help. I think I should have taken my own advice.

Name a least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.

I think I need to make an emergency box with suggestions of things to do and maybe even some tactile activities.

How do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? Is it resolved? If not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?

I feel better thanks to the SI. Situation remains unchanged. I will take it up with my therapist on my next appointment. I think I'll be okay til then. I'll bring a copy of this post as well to my session.

Are you likely to be in the same emotional place again?

Very likely. I'm in therapy right now and lot of stuff is coming up. Plus I have a lot of unresolved issues in my marriage.

What will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? List three specific things you will commit to trying.

I will journal. I will go for a long walk or get some kind of exercise. I will call someone for support. I'll get on line and post. Maybe I'll even see if I can do something nice for myself like doing something I enjoy or taking a hot shower or something. I'll commit posting on BUS, journaling, and calling for support (that's the hard one).

Wendy

Ronda,

The first thing I noticed about your post was that even after the incident of self-injury, you were still beating up on yourself. Talking about 'shoulds' and not deserving to feel how you do. Why? Why on earth don't you deserve emotions? I think the hardest thing for me in my therapy (yes, I know it's hard!) is accepting my emotions rather than assuming they somehow represent who I am.

I think a coping box is a great idea. I've found that just knowing I have one is comforting in a lot of ways.

I also sympathize about the pms. Although luckily I'm on enough mood regulators now that I don't notice a huge bump in emotional sensitivity that time of the month (just the usual physical stuff, yuck). Have you talked to your doctor? I'm serious now. If you are really emotionally sensitive and it's stopping you from being healthy that time of the month there are some things they can do. It's embarrassing to talk about, but maybe worth it?

So you talked about SI as a punishment for feeling the way you do- what were you feeling (feeling you were a jerk is not a feeling, it's a thought)?

My therapist tells me over and over (and over) that painful feelings point to a problem, and until you deal with the problem, they will just come again in different strengths and guises.

(This is the bit I always have trouble with)
All of your coping mechanisms seemed to be distractions. Distractions are great when you are fighting a really strong urge to SI and can't think about the cause. They are. But could you try incorporating some activities that would validate the way you feel instead of actively trying to change it? I'm not saying cling to the painful emotion (who would want to do that?), but just acknowledge it without jumping into judgments about what you should be feeling.

Journaling is one way (so long as you remember not to just use the journal as a place to beat up on yourself). Going to therapy itself is another. So good for you for finding those two. Is there anything else you can think of?

JoAnna

Thanks for your thoughtful response, JoAnna. You're right "jerk" is not a feeling. I was feeling scared, angry, and scattered. I don't know why -- that's what's driving me nuts. It would be much easier to accept and sit with if I knew why I was feeling that way.

Last night I had a really scary experience coming home from the book store where I had been reading some pretty upsetting stuff about SI. I turn my head lights off twice on dark roads without realizing it or remembering doing it. Fortunately, I realized before I had an accident, but it kind of shook me up since nothing like that has ever happened before.

I know the "shoulds" aren't helpful, but since I can't figure why I'm feeling what I am, I tend to get mad at myself, which just makes everything worse. I guess I'm going to have to try to be more accepting, even before or if I get any answers.

I tried talking to my OB/GYN since I thought it was partly perimenopause and PMS related. She just blew me off and told me it was stress from moving, even though I told her my counselor said I had depression with anxiety. I guess I didn't have the guts to push it. Probably need a new doctor or different kind.

I'd better send this before my computer dumps it again.

Thanks,
Wendy

Wendy wrote:[What were you thinking and feeling?

I was feeling like a jerk who needed to be beat up because I couldn't get my feelings under control and my act together. I just feel I have no excuse for feeling this way -- I haven't been through anything like so many people on this board have. I've had a pretty darn good life.

Wendy

Hi Wendy - Sorry this post is so late but I had to go through the approval process and then bus was down. But, I was struck by this answer because I have felt the same guilt so often. I was raised by loving parents and have a life that would look great to most people. And, it does when I look at it too - so why do I get depressed. My therapist told me something to the effect that he would like me to understand that I am "worthy" of having problems - and that they are real and legitimate. I can't quite get my head around that idea yet, but I think I understand what he means when I read your post. My reaction to you is to tell you, "Don't beat yourself up or minimize your problems. You have some serious issues in your marriage, little children to deal with, professional struggles, and are a long way from home. Of course you are stressed!" And, I mean that. So, hopefully next time you will be able to remember that you too are worthwhile enough to have these problems.

Susie

Thanks Susie,

I know I really get in my own way by beating myself up because I don't deserve to have problems like this. Thanks for the reminder (I'll keep it and post it back to you as needed ).