Feeling the pull (and pulling back)

[Tamrick]

Before what - I don't even know - SI/SU/OD/ED behaviour???
I am very depressed so here goes a before I do something I'll regret post...

1. how will this situation or feeling change if i hurt myself?
SI - It won't - I'll still be depressed and guilty on top of it.
SU - I'll be dead
OD - I will get some sleep and forget all about stuff while I sleep

2. what will hurting myself bring to the situation? what will it take away from the situation?
SI - brings pain, ability to care for myself, guilt, takes away other thoughts (become single minded)
SU - brings nothing, takes away everything
OD - brings sleep, takes away my physical health (what I have of it)

3. how do i want to feel about this in the long run? is hurting myself likely to get me closer to or farther from feeling that way?
SI - I want to be happy. No
SU - I won't feel anything
OD - further away

4. if hurting myself seems like my best option right now, how long will the relief it brings last? what will i do then?
SI - it probably won't do antything - I don't know its been an age since I SIed
SU - relief forever (or never)
OD - relief will depend on how long I get to sleep I guess

5. what is something i could do now instead of hurting myself? how will it change the situation i'm in? how long will that change last, and what will i do then?
SI - I really can't think of any more. I need to sleep. I have already painted and packed and spoke to someone on the phone. I've read books today and written in my journal, I've even eaten some food.

6. how will i feel tomorrow if i hurt myself? how will i feel tomorrow if i do the other thing i came up with?
SI - I'll feel the same, depressed
SU - I'll feel nothing (probably) (I'll feel if I don't)
OD - I'll feel sick probably and guilty (other things - depressed)
(Ok so it sounds like I am out to feel depressed regardless, like I've made up my mind or something, maybe I have... or maybe it only comes over some of the day, but it seems to be there all the time now)

7. what do i really want to do right now? how can i best honor the self-protective instinct that has me wanting to self-injure right now?
I want to drive to my boyfriends house really, but I can't...
I want someone to hug me and help me and tell me its ok and somehow make me believe them. I want to go home and take a walk on the beach... but I can't. I want to see my friends I haven't seen in two years. I want to see my horse they sold. I want to see my dog at home who is old now. I want to dress up0 in warm clothes and cuddle my teddy bear without feeling boiling hot. I want to cry and I want to stop crying...

8. Why do I feel I need to hurt myself? What has brought me to this point?
I'm depressed and I want someone to know that I am not coping and need some help cause when I ask they don't believe me and they can't help - they tell me they are too far away ir they need time to be alone. And I don't like myself cause I can't cope and I get upset so easily and shout at people and they won't like me.

9. Have I been here before? What did I do to deal with it? How did I feel then?
Yes and then I cut. Yes and then I ODed. Yes and then I ODed so badly I landed in ICU. I haven't felt this bad ever and not done something stupid. Once I felt this bad and drove my unroadworthy car 1000kms without telling anyone. Things didn't get better because of that...

10. What I have done to ease this discomfort so far? What else can I do that won't hurt me?
I answered this above and I am writing this now. I guess I could try to sleep or take a bath.

11. How do I feel right now?
Depressed unhappy, miserable, and a bit angry

12. How will I feel when I am hurting myself?
Who knows?

13. How will I feel after hurting myself? How will I feel tomorrow morning?
I'll feel sore. and guilty. and proud of myself and very angry and defiant and annoyed

14. Can I avoid this stressor, or deal with it better in the future?
no - oh stressors at teh moment = new job
need to move home
boyfriend wants time alone
work at teh moment is very busy and I am on
my own there too
my dogs fought badly this evening
Christmas preparations (not that I'm doing
anything)
Not being able to be home for Christmas
Money problems
I can't put any more down now...

15. Do I need to hurt myself?
not really

[Tamrick]

Today I do not want to SI. I made it through the urge. I am actually too tired to do anything much and have no energy.

I am taking anti depressants again in the original dose and hope they will improve things slowly. I have also started taking a multi vitamin.

Realistically I expect the next week to be very difficult, but perhaps I can cope. I want to be more positive, for now in writing and on BUS, but maybe later I can even sound a little more positive and less dead.

I'm glad I never SIed yesterday. I know I may feel like that again soon, but I think I can get through it for now... yesterday was really bad...

[eunomia]

i'm very pleased you made it through. i hope you're proud of yourself for making it.

[dreams]

Tamrick, well done for fighting the urge. You are an inspiration to me.

You seem to have a lot of stressors in you life at the moment. Is there anything you can do to take 'time out' - time for just you when you can't dwell on all the issues in your life at the moment?

dreams

[Wandering]

Well done you.

I'm glad I never SIed yesterday. I know I may feel like that again soon, but I think I can get through it for now... yesterday was really bad...

Can I suggest (not very good at suggestions but hey, I'll have a go!) that you make a note of this post - how bad you felt, how you couldn't really see how you'd feel better without doing something 'stupid', but then how you did make it through? Just so you can encourage yourself that it is possible when you feel rough in the future?

Take care of you
Andi x

[Wendy]

I'm really glad you made it through without SI'ing -- good for you! I see you've gone a long time without SIing. That's something to be really proud of. Each success makes the next one more likely. The same is also true of each giving in to the urge to hurt yourself, so you really did yourself a favor by choosing not to.

Hugs,
Wendy