bus

what had happened just before?
i couldn't sleep. internet wouldn't work. didn't know what to do with myself

what were you thinking and feeling?
thinking that i couldn't bear a whole night lying awake feeling as i did. feeling ashamed of myself, feeling angry, feeling tense, feeling frustrated

why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
yeah, had been struggling with urges for a while. was 151 days free. had been putting it off and putting it off, and gradually feeling worse. was more like a made a decision to do it rather than suddenly breaking

how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events thatled up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
i'd drunk *a lot* the night before and i was feeling ashamed about that. i'd been in a low mood all day. i came home intending to do a 'before' post here, but the internet wouldn't work. technical hitches really wind me up hid in my room for the rest of the evening, went to bed but couldn't sleep. was lying there for ages. got worse and worse. tried watching tv. didn't help. got up, went downstairs for a while. didn't help. tried relaxing. didn't work. thought about alcohol but didn't want to - i've been getting more concerned about my drinking and was determined not to drink that night. didn't want to lie awake all night - would have gone completely out of my mind. decided that SI was the 'best' option given the circumstances. gave myself a time and said that if i wasn't asleep by then, i would let myself SI. so i did.
i could have talked to my housemates rather than hiding in my room all evening.
i could have written in my journal

were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
lack of sleep, yes. not sure what to do about that.
alcohol - yes in terms of night before...am working on cutting that down.

what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
tried to distract myself watching tv, reading, etc. texted friend to ask for support. thought carefully about what SIing afer 151 days free would mean.

in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
dunno. could have done things like drawing, writing etc. but all i wanted was to sleep - i didn't want to keep doing things to put it off if that was going to take all night
could have phoned someone but i can never bring myself to do that, especially in the middle of the night

name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
have got a coping box in my room. i didn't open it. i can leave it by my bed and make sure i at least have a go at more of those things.

how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
that immediate situation is resolved now in that i did get to sleep after SIing. other things still being worked on. will be talking to counsellor about this tonight.

are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
yes. ummm....well i'll feel all the things i wrote above

what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
come online and post here for support
write about it in my journal
open coping box and use stuff in it

Hi eunomia, firstly I wanted to apologise for taking so long to reply to this. I did read this and was thinking of you. 151 days is an amazing achievement.

eunomia wrote: internet wouldn't work.

Don’t you just hate that. I’ve become so dependant on the internet as a coping resource I completely understand what you mean when you say you didn’t know what to do with yourself. Is there anyway you could make up a list of coping resources that you could use if this happens again? Something that doesn’t rely on internet connections, electricity and other things that can break down just when you really need them.

eunomia wrote: couldn't bear a whole night lying awake feeling as i did

I can relate to this too. What did you do to try and get to sleep? Is there anything else you could try?

Tips on getting to sleep

eunomia wrote: i came home intending to do a 'before' post here, but the internet wouldn't work

Could you print of the questions in the before posts and maybe just write out the answer if the internet ‘breaks’ again?

eunomia wrote: alcohol - yes in terms of night before...am working on cutting that down

Good for you

eunomia wrote: what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
come online and post here for support
write about it in my journal
open coping box and use stuff in it

Again well done for making those three commitments to yourself. I hope you can carry them out.

I’m thinking of you

Dreams

dreams wrote:Hi eunomia, firstly I wanted to apologise for taking so long to reply to this. I did read this and was thinking of you. 151 days is an amazing achievement.

thank you much appreciated.

eunomia wrote: internet wouldn't work.

Don’t you just hate that. I’ve become so dependant on the internet as a coping resource I completely understand what you mean when you say you didn’t know what to do with yourself. Is there anyway you could make up a list of coping resources that you could use if this happens again? Something that doesn’t rely on internet connections, electricity and other things that can break down just when you really need them.

yeah, i could have phoned someone, or just chatted to my housemates, but i guess i wanted bussers who would require less explanation of what was in my head and irl friends. i think that getting through the evening without internet was fine...it was when i then couldn't sleep that i really wanted to be able to come on here (and by that point irl friends were asleep)...i think i just took it as a sign that the whole world was conspiring against me and that it was therefore ok for me to SI i could have journalled, read, watched more tv (no matter how bad it was). there was more stuff i could have done. i think i just need to be careful not to get into the frame of mind where i think enough has gone wrong that i'm justified in SIing without trying other things first that i know are there.

eunomia wrote: couldn't bear a whole night lying awake feeling as i did

I can relate to this too. What did you do to try and get to sleep? Is there anything else you could try?

i tried relaxation techniques, tried focusing on breathing
but i couldn't stop those intrusive thoughts. i started thinking about all the things i needed to do. i kept running things through my mind like when we got burgled - reliving the moment i came home to find police in the living room (this was august so i don't know why it popped up again then). i was thinking ED and body image stuff. i was thinking about all this stuff that's happened recently with my mum etc etc.
i guess i could have tried writing some of this down, or tried to think about other, more pleasant and soporific stuff...

eunomia wrote: i came home intending to do a 'before' post here, but the internet wouldn't work

Could you print of the questions in the before posts and maybe just write out the answer if the internet ‘breaks’ again?

to be honest, i think i know them pretty well anyway - i've run through them at my head at work and while sitting on the tube on the way home in the past when i've been urgey.
i could have sat down and written out my answers to them in my journal. i think i was just sulking about the fact that i couldn't come on here when i needed to, and, like i said, took it as a sign that the world was conspiring against me

thank you