Well that was clever...
Posted: Mon Dec 13, 2004 11:48 pm
I'd made it nearly 11 months then I messed up. I don't like how I'm feeling right now, and I don't trust myself, so I'm gonna try to do something about it.
what had happened just before?
I had had a hard week - for no particular reason I'd been thinking about cutting more than usual. That day I'd just been in an odd state of mind - again for no real reason, but I was just restless, I wanted to cut, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I could have done with talking to someone but couldn't
what were you thinking and feeling?
I was stressing about how much college work I had. I was stressing about my future (I finish college in summer and have no idea what I'll be doing after that). I had SI on the brain, and was debating whether or not to cut - I didn't want to break my 10 1/2 months, but I was so desperate to cut. I was weighing the pros and cons
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Yeh, i was very close to deciding to cut, closer than I had been for months, then my mum picked that particular moment to have a go at me about something (I can't remember what it was - it was that important!) That made me feel I'd had enough - I didn't want to 'cope' any longer.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I could have made more of an effort to speak to someone, anyone, though I don't honestly believe it would have made a difference - I had already tried talking to one of my friends and I just couldn't talk, if that makes sense. I didn't know how/why I was feeling like that myself, so I couldn't put it into words for someone else. I guess I could have made myself stay around other people when my mum had a go at me, but for a start that would probably have led to me hitting her, and secondly I'd have cut later - I couldn't stay around others forever.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Nope, well, just too much college work and mum getting on my back, neither of which I can do much about
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried talking to someone, but couldn't, so the effect was nil. Apart from that I'll admit I did very little - I'd given up to some extent - I was too tired mentally to fight the urge any longer
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have made more of an effort to talk to someone. Though I don't think it would necessarily have helped. I could have stayed around people, but the only person was my mother and I think I'd have ended up hitting her if she'd carried on, so maybe not such a good plan! Also, they weren't urges that would go away in an hour or so, I had had them for the last day or two, and they were gonna stay for a good few more unless I did something about it. I didn't have the strength to weather them this time. Walk the dog, read the bible, draw.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Well it wasn't that I forgot them. I just couldn't be bothered to put off cutting by doing them. I suppose in future I could remind myself of the times they have got me through.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm still stressed about college work, the future, and mum is still getting at me. I can't see what I can do about it really. I try to just get on with a sensible amount of work, but its not really optional. I try to avoid mum if she's in a bad mood, but its not always practical.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yep. I can tell you when I'm heading towards it. I'll start thinking about cutting, railway lines will start looking inviting. I'll get restless, and my sleeping will get worse. It'll get worse and worse over about 3 days, with every little thing adding to it. If I cut, I'll feel ok. If I don't, it'll last about a week then I'll feel slightly better, more in control. And a week or so later it'll happen again.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Groom my dog. Read the bible. I know thats only two, but I can't think of anything else I can honestly commit to. But those I will.
Thanks for reading and for suggestions - contrary to what some of this post sounds like, I do want to stop SI. I just get so tired of fighting it. And I don't know how to keep myself going when I've given up?
Andi x
what had happened just before?
I had had a hard week - for no particular reason I'd been thinking about cutting more than usual. That day I'd just been in an odd state of mind - again for no real reason, but I was just restless, I wanted to cut, I wanted to cry but I couldn't, I could have done with talking to someone but couldn't
what were you thinking and feeling?
I was stressing about how much college work I had. I was stressing about my future (I finish college in summer and have no idea what I'll be doing after that). I had SI on the brain, and was debating whether or not to cut - I didn't want to break my 10 1/2 months, but I was so desperate to cut. I was weighing the pros and cons
why did you end up hurting yourself then instead of some other time? was there an event that was teh final straw? what was it?
Yeh, i was very close to deciding to cut, closer than I had been for months, then my mum picked that particular moment to have a go at me about something (I can't remember what it was - it was that important!) That made me feel I'd had enough - I didn't want to 'cope' any longer.
how did the situation get to the final straw stage? trace it back through the events that led up to the last event. look for some point at which you could have made a different decisiona nd not arrived at the final straw.
I could have made more of an effort to speak to someone, anyone, though I don't honestly believe it would have made a difference - I had already tried talking to one of my friends and I just couldn't talk, if that makes sense. I didn't know how/why I was feeling like that myself, so I couldn't put it into words for someone else. I guess I could have made myself stay around other people when my mum had a go at me, but for a start that would probably have led to me hitting her, and secondly I'd have cut later - I couldn't stay around others forever.
were there outside factors like drugs, alsohol, being off your meds, lack of sleep, etc? can you address those in the future? how?
Nope, well, just too much college work and mum getting on my back, neither of which I can do much about
what other ways of coping did you try besides self-harm? how well did they work?
I tried talking to someone, but couldn't, so the effect was nil. Apart from that I'll admit I did very little - I'd given up to some extent - I was too tired mentally to fight the urge any longer
in retrospect, are there coping methods that you now realize might have helped? what were they?
I could have made more of an effort to talk to someone. Though I don't think it would necessarily have helped. I could have stayed around people, but the only person was my mother and I think I'd have ended up hitting her if she'd carried on, so maybe not such a good plan! Also, they weren't urges that would go away in an hour or so, I had had them for the last day or two, and they were gonna stay for a good few more unless I did something about it. I didn't have the strength to weather them this time. Walk the dog, read the bible, draw.
name at least two things you will do to help yourself remember those coping methods if you end up in this situation again.
Well it wasn't that I forgot them. I just couldn't be bothered to put off cutting by doing them. I suppose in future I could remind myself of the times they have got me through.
how do you feel about the situation that led to self-harm now? is it resolved? if not, what are some steps you might take toward resolution?
I'm still stressed about college work, the future, and mum is still getting at me. I can't see what I can do about it really. I try to just get on with a sensible amount of work, but its not really optional. I try to avoid mum if she's in a bad mood, but its not always practical.
are you likely to be in that emotional place again? how will you recognize it when you're in that situation?
Yep. I can tell you when I'm heading towards it. I'll start thinking about cutting, railway lines will start looking inviting. I'll get restless, and my sleeping will get worse. It'll get worse and worse over about 3 days, with every little thing adding to it. If I cut, I'll feel ok. If I don't, it'll last about a week then I'll feel slightly better, more in control. And a week or so later it'll happen again.
what will you try before you resort to self-harm if you're in that situation again? list three specific things you will commit to trying.
Groom my dog. Read the bible. I know thats only two, but I can't think of anything else I can honestly commit to. But those I will.
Thanks for reading and for suggestions - contrary to what some of this post sounds like, I do want to stop SI. I just get so tired of fighting it. And I don't know how to keep myself going when I've given up?
Andi x
